Star Trek: Voyager Stealth Wedgie

by Walter Miller, 1996

(Scene 3--Mess Hall)

Neelix: Mr. Tuvok, I'm so glad to see you! I've been working on a dee-light-ful Talarian boar egg stew; easy on the Angulian sea salt, and with just a hint of Loridian clove spice. I'm sure you'll find it enchanting.

Tuvok: It is impossible to enchant a Vulcan.

Neelix: Ah, yes, my pointy-eared friend, but as morale officer of this ship, you know I'll try until I'm pink in the face!

Tuvok: Please, refrain from physically touching me.

Neelix: Then what can I get for you, my good man?

Tuvok: Plain Vulcan grain porridge.

Neelix: Oh, how boring! Perhaps I might interest you in trying it with a smidge of this delicious Jozalian sour cream topping?

Tuvok: I have a mild dairy intolerance.

Neelix: Oh, please! Just TRY it!

Tuvok: Perhaps I may, if you will desist immediately in slapping and fondling my shoulder.

Neelix: Just taste it!

Tuvok: I must admit it is somewhat palatable. What is the recipe?

Neelix: Oh, Tuvok! I never use a recipe! And I never measure: I throw in a little of this, a bit of that. A dollop of yogurt, a pinch of chives, some fermented Jozalian mare's milk...

Tuvok: How much mare's milk, exactly?

Neelix: (hesitating) Well...I always squirt in exactly two whole mouthfuls.

Tuvok: That is a violation of Starfleet dietary regulations.

Neelix: Oh, I strain out any of my whisker hairs! You and your regulations!

Tuvok: I will now run a tricorder scan on this tray of leftover meat loaf. It did not appear to be meat loaf when I ate it last night.

Neelix: Now, THAT recipe I got straight from the ship's computer!

Tuvok: You are correct. My scan indicates the exact signature of a recipe developed by a Commander Data, who currently serves on another Starship. It is called Feline Nutritional Supplement Number 25.

Neelix: Oh, Mr. Tuvok!

Tuvok: I am leaving.

Neelix: Wait! Wait!

Tuvok: What is it, Neelix?

Neelix: (lowered voice) Mr. Tuvok, can I confide in you to keep a secret?

Tuvok: We Vulcans are capable of unusual restraint. However, this restraint will be tested if you continue to knead and rub my arm, and engage in other acts of unwelcome, overly-familiar comraderie.

Neelix: A wedgie, Mr. Tuvok! I got one!

Tuvok: Please explain.

Neelix: We Talaxians don't have what you call...cracks down there.

Tuvok: I believe you are referring to cleavage of the posterior glutemus area.

Neelix: Yes, yes, There's nothing down there, except...Well, see these spots and downy hair around my head? The area of my buttocks is ringed with...

Tuvok: I will remind you that this is an environment of food consumption. Please refrain from detailed descriptions.

Neelix: All right, let me get to the point. I was half asleep this morning, and thought I was dreaming. When suddenly, out of nowhere, I heard voices! Then I felt an invisible hand pulling my tunic--trying to give me one of those wedgies the whole ship is talking about.

Tuvok: Are you sure it wasn't Kes?

Neelix: (offended) Kes and I do not sleep together!

Tuvok: I see.

Neelix: (giggling) And I know her hand when I feel it, if you know what I mean!

Tuvok: Please stop jabbing me with your elbow. I will log the report of your wedgie later.

Neelix: Thank you, Mr. Tuvok!

Tuvok: Neelix, what is this dark brown, paste-like muck spread on my toast?

Neelix: Oh, that! My Grodian game bird chopped liver spread; very rare, and only from one species of fowl, found on Groda Two...Uh, I think.

Tuvok: What do you mean you think?

Neelix: Uh, well, I found an unmarked jar in the pantry.

Tuvok: This tricorder scan shows it is a lithium-based, oxygenated grease with high levels of sulfur.

Neelix: Yes, now I remember, I found that around the time the Kazons were aboard for that summit meeting.

Tuvok: My scan concludes that it is a jar of industrial-grade alien ornamental pomade. And, the stardate on the label shows it is expired, and quite rancid.

Neelix: (dejected) Yes, it's Kazon hair grease. And the freshness button WAS popped on it when I got it.

Tuvok: The captain will hear about this

(captain enters)

Janeway: The captain will hear about what?

Tuvok: We will discuss it later.

Janeway: Good. I need you now in engineering...Big fella.

Tuvok: Captain. As my superior officer, it is inappropriate for you to press your palms on my pectoral region.

Janeway: (smiling suavely) We'll discuss THAT in the turbolift

Neelix: He doesn't let me touch him either, Captain!