Star Trek: Voyager Stealth Wedgie

By Walter Miller, 1996

(Scene 4--engineering)

Torres: Damn it!...DAMN IT!

(She strikes the console hard with the heel of her hand)

Chakotay: Take it easy, B'Elanna

Torres: I can't find anything wrong with our sensors, or the holodeck.

Janeway: Well, something IS wrong with the holodeck. The little girl in my Gothic holo-novel program is going around giving wedgies all over the English countryside.

Torres: Tell me again, Tom, what the hell happened in the holodeck?

Paris: B'Elanna, I've explained it six times! I don't remember anything else!

Chakotay: Your poor memory is another indication of a bad work attitude. Change it, Mr. Paris, or I'll have you thrown in the brig.

(Torres violently kicks a wall panel; sparks fly in the air)

Torres: I have to know how that wedgie happened! Tell me, Starfleet!

Paris: I don't know what to say. You're asking me to explain an ancient ritual that only the Cardassians, or Klingons, or whoever have re-popularized...

Torres: (screaming) Klingons don't give cowardly wedgies! Klingons are warriors who attack head-on, not from the rear!

(She swings the heel of her hand hard onto Paris's face; blood flies everywhere; Paris collapses)

Janeway: That's it, B'Elanna. You're on report.

Tuvok: This scan shows that his neck and nose are broken. There are 17 more fractures on his face and skull. His life is in danger.

Janeway: Tuvok, take him to sick bay. B'Elanna, go to your quarters, and take a cold shower

Torres: (head bowed) I'm sorry Captain.

Janeway: No replicator privileges for one week. If Lieutenant Paris should die, then it's two weeks.

Torres: But Captain!

Janeway: You heard me!

(Tuvok, Paris and Torres leave)

Chakotay: That was unnecessarily harsh, Captain. I think you're picking on her because she was a Maquis. You should have let me handle it.

Janeway: (suave smile) Now that we're alone, I kind of like the idea of handling you...Red Man...

Chakotay: Captain, please!

Janeway: (deep, sultry voice) I took a look at your personal Starfleet records, Chakotay. You've got those funny little tattoos all over your body. Let's see if any of them will rub off on your captain...

Doctor: (on speaker) Doctor to Captain Janeway. We have had two more stealth wedgie attacks!

Janeway: Have Tuvok issue a ship-wide intruder alert. I want the senior staff in my ready room, right now!

(Scene 5--Captain's ready room)

Chakotay: Where's Paris? He's 10 minutes late...again.

Doctor: (on screen) He's still comatose. But I've just upgraded him from "Near Death" to "Grave".

Chakotay: That's no excuse. He still late, and that shows a bad attitude. I'm placing him on report.

Janeway: As you wish, Commander. So, what's your latest view of this wedgie situation?

Chakotay: So far we have had five confirmed stealth wedgies. The victims have been Mr. Kim, Kes, Mr. Neelix, and now Mr. Tuvok and the doctor.

Doctor: Captain, as a matter of dignity, I demand that you do not refer to me as a recipient of this barbarism! I am a holographic image! I lack a digestive tract! The attempted wedgie...

Janeway: Turn off the sound!

(Chakotay turns sound off; the Doctor keeps yammering)

Janeway: One of these days we've got to re-program that annoying voice.

Chakotay: It seems that even those without glutemal cleavage--like the Doctor and Neelix--can be victims, or at least attempted wedgie victims

Kim: What's 'glutemal cleavage'?

Chakotay: Ass cracks.

(Kim, Neelix and Kes giggle uncontrollably)

Janeway: (sternly) The rapport on this ship continues to stoop to lower levels of evacuation-chamber humor, and I will no longer tolerate it!

Chakotay: Yes, Captain.

(There is a long, uncomfortable silence; Neelix, who is sitting next to the captain, narrows his eyes, and peers into her face)

Neelix: You know what I've just noticed, Captain? You have a li-i-i-tle blonde moustache right on your upper lip.

Janeway: Do you want a wedgie, Mr. Neelix? This one won't be just an attempt.

Chakotay: That's not funny, Captain.

Janeway: You're right. I apologize. Proceed.

Chakotay: It seems that Mr. Tuvok was hit from behind--as in all of the stealth wedgie attacks--while he was on the turbolift taking Mr. Paris to sickbay.

Tuvok: (sternly, to Captain) I believe it was the second incident in one day of an unexpected hand on my posterior region while on a turbolift.

Janeway: (smiling) It was just a little pinch, handsome. And I did warn you.

Tuvok: You are correct Captain. The more disturbing incident was the stealth wedgie. The violator was invisible.

Kes: How humiliating!

Tuvok: I am incapable of humiliation.

Scene 4 continued