Star Trek: Voyager Stealth Wedgie

(Scene 4 continued)
By Walter Miller, 1996

Chakotay: Neelix, I just thought of something. If your species completely lacks a posterior opening...then how do you evacuate? If you don't mind me asking.

Neelix: Certainly. We Talaxians have evolved to use epidermal transpiration. See these paw-like pads on my hands? This wet, waxy and rather foul-smelling semi-liquid which secretes and drips from them all day long is actually my bodily waste.

Chakotay: And what is that dry, powdery stuff also on your hands?

Neelix: Oh, that! When I was called to this meeting, I was just in the middle of kneading some dough for my famous Darbudian challah bread. Ve-r-ry tasty, if I must say so...

Kim: Neelix, do you ever wash your hands?

Neelix: Nah.

Tuvok: We Vulcans are incapable of disgust. However, under the circumstances, I feel that revulsion is inevitable.

Janeway: Let's get back to the matter at hand!

Chakotay: Thank you, Captain. I'm trying to pull together common elements here...Harry wears boxers. Tuvok and Neelix wear briefs. Kes, as far as underwear, do you wear boxers or briefs?

Kes: Depends.

Chakotay: Beg your pardon?

Kes: Depends --ask the doctor--he found one before, wedged up my crack.

Janeway: Gosh, I wish I had bought stock in those 'Depends' things way back when.

Chakotay: I think we can narrow our suspects down to a technologically advanced race capable of great savagery.

Kim: But which is also very simple-minded, and not able to know which victims can or cannot physically receive wedgies.

Chakotay: Who would that be, in this part of space?

Janeway: Mr. Tuvok! Stop urinating on the floor!

Tuvok: Yes, Captain. Please excuse me. I believe I am still feeling the residual effects of my latest Vulcan mind-meld.

Janeway: (rolls her eyes) Who did you mind-meld with this time?

Tuvok: It was last week, during my investigation of the mess hall.

Neelix: Oh, everyone's always picking on my cooking!

Tuvok: It seems that Mr. Neelix had a few organ meats in food storage that he was passing off as Talarian calves' brains.

Janeway: Yes, I recall. They were delicious.

Tuvok: One night, alone in the galley, I did a mind-meld with one of the brains, to make sure. They turned out to be canine, not bovine in nature.

Janeway: Dog brains!

Tuvok: Precisely.

Chakotay: I guess that explains the incident on the bridge yesterday, involving you and your rather vigorous attachment to Ensign Kim's leg.

Tuvok: Once again, I apologize, Ensign.

Janeway: It's been some rough week for our little Mr. Kim.

Kim: Thanks, Captain. Thanks Lieutenant.

Janeway: Well, don't start going around sniffing people's butts, Mr. Tuvok. There's a stealth Wedgie Master aboard this ship, and I wouldn't want your nose to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Tuvok: I will heed your logical counsel.

Janeway: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Tuvok?

Tuvok: I believe I am, Captain.

Janeway: This meeting is adjourned. Let's reconvene on the bridge in one hour. Tuvok, you're with me.

(Scene 5--The bridge)

Chakotay: Captain, why are we stopping here?

Janeway: Because I need some answers. Tell me the truth, Chakotay.

Chakotay: About what?

Janeway: Nobody's blaming you for the attacks. But I have to know how Wedgie technology got here to the Delta quadrant.

Torres: I...I guess I can answer that, Captain. The fact that the Cardassians have been using it didn't make it right. But we in the Maquis HAD to use it to fight back.

Janeway: Incredible.

Chakotay: All of us Maquis aboard Voyager have given wedgies to the Cardassians at one time or other during our struggle--but only in self- defense.

Janeway: All of you!

Chakotay: It's not something we're proud of, Captain. Wedgie knowledge and skill reside in the frontal lobes of us all.

Tuvok: This confirms my assumptions. Ensign, there should be a Kazon ship just within communications range.

Kim: You're correct, sir!

Janeway: Wedgie technology in the hands of the Kazon? It will change the face of this quadrant forever.

Tuvok: Captain, I must warn you, even will full shields, their weapons can destroy us in minutes.

Janeway: I'm willing to take that chance. Hail them.

Kim: They are hailing us!

Janeway: On screen.

Kazon: Hello, Captain

Scene 5 continued