(In the public domain)

From Walter Miller's Home Page:


This starts with some "re-treads" but "ends" well, I promise!

PENTIUM CHIP WEDGIE: 3 wedgies plus 2 more wedgies equals 4.9999975 Wedgies

PAINTSHOP WEDGIE: 256 Shades of brown

AIRLINE WEDGIE: Your ass is in Dallas, but your front elastic ends up in London and your rear elastic in Singapore

PBS WEDGIE: Wedgie giver, usually college-educated, interrupts himself several times during the wedgie to ask for money.

STAR TREK WEDGIE: Underwear boldly goes where it has never gone before

STAR TREK NEXT GENERATION WEDGIE: Truly does "Klingon Uranus" as they say.

STAR TREK VOYAGER WEDGIE: Underwear sent at warp speed 75 light years from home. Ass is broken into "remote quadrants".

STAR TREK DEEPSPACE 9 WEDGIE: Drippy, gold colored matter "shape-shifts" out of the wormhole

AT&T WEDGIE: So big it was busted up in 1983 into 8 smaller wedgies. Often entwines underwear and trousers into a twisted pair.

MCI WEDGIE: Any wedgie given to Friends & Family. At one time only left a 'Circle' shaped stain on the shorts.

SPRINT WEDGIE: Quieter than the sound of a pin dropping. Leaves only a small, dime-sized stain.

INTEL WEDGIE: Leaves a small, dark, square stain. Feels like there's pins on the bottom. A new, faster version comes out every 8 month marketing cycle.

DOS WEDGIE: You actually 'see' colon; (Or perhaps, See colon, backslash, return...)

IBM WEDGIE: Once made the biggest mark, then almost washed out, but now leaner, meaner and on the "rise." Sometimes leaves a 'big blue' welt on your ass.

APPLE WEDGIE: The first wedgie with a true 'gooey interface'. Now mostly a "hanger-on."

OS/2 WEDGIE: Multitasking capability to yank someone's elastic, kick him in the ass and work on a spreadsheet all at the same time.

MICROSOFT WEDGIE: Installed on fully 85% of all asses, but with flimsy support. In the case of new product failure, clean underwear will be declared the new industry standard.

SUN WEDGIE: Introducing: The FIRST Wedgie proof software

CRAY WEDGIE: So fast, it requires TWO halt instructions to stop it; executes an infinite loop of the elastic in 6 seconds.

GATEWAY WEDGIE: Leaves irregular black stains on underwear, and, inexplicably, clogs of cow crap on the bottom of your shoes. Usually administered by a friendly South Dakotan.

ORACLE WEDGIE: "One day, there will be an inexpensive 'box' enabling all appliances in your home with wedgie-giving capability..."

PRODIGY WEDGIE: The first, and at one time the biggest. Once "broad based," now penetrates narrower niches.

COMPUSERVE WOW! WEDGIE: Appeared briefly on briefs, wasn't as deep as the hype, and vanished quickly.

MSN WEDGIE: "Those not experiencing an underwear stain please download filename STAINDAT.W95"

AOL WEDGIE: Sorry. Wedgies not available right now. Try back in 15 minutes.

SLATE.COM WEDGIE: Usually stains only the extreme left of the underwear. The parody of this wedgie hurts more than the real thing.

WIRED MAGAZINE WEDGIE: Leaves unusually bright colors on your underwear.

WARREN COMMISSION WEDGIE: Underwear remains sealed in crack for 50 years

REPUBLICAN WEDGIE: #1: Painful, harsh, yet for some unexplained reason, underwear remains totally white. Ass is usually shaken, as opposed to stirred.

REPUBLICAN WEDGIE: #2: "Why the hell do *I* have to pay for others' wedgies?"

REPUBLICAN WEDGIE: #3: Willing to accept a new Federal Department Of Wedgies, perhaps a National Wedgie Czar, but NOT as a cabinet-level post. Opposed to all funding for so-called 'artistic' wedgies.

REPUBLICAN WEDGIE: #4: Walrusy old guy sits you down telling you how he 'pulled himself up' by his own elastic straps, and encourages you to do the same...

DEMOCRAT WEDGIE #1: With a heavy regulatory hand, the underwear is carefully left 60% white or partly nonwhite, 20% brown, 15% black, 3% yellow, 2% red...

DEMOCRAT WEDGIE #2: Wedgie giver gives you a sad look and says "I feel your pain."

DEMOCRAT WEDGIE #3: Wedgie-giver faces $50,000 fine from the E.P.A for soiling the environment. Unwitting Wedgie recipient also faces fine, and must foot the bill for clean-up.

DEMOCRAT WEDGIE #4: Faced with an ethical dilemma: Wedgie-giver favors First Amendment free expression of Wedgies, but opposes prayer in school--realizing, of course, that the latter will always exist as long as the threat of the former is "upheld."