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The Humilliatingly LATE Update covering Aogust, September and Octobor 2000

Page 10 of 39


Fortunnatly not allot of people knew what she was saying. Cathyann's allways been more loud than coherent.

Then a few minnutes as the boring meeting droaned on, Stu leaned over to me agian.

He told me there were probloms with the cartoon pilot and the investors are pissed. As you know some investors paid to produce a 12-minute pilot of Walter Miller's Homepage: The Cartoon" This is not a joke. Yes a number of peoplle think that my story is funny and pittiful enough to be on TV.

There are actualy some TV networks interested. One of them put togethor some focus groups to watch the pilot. The problom is that many of the sound files for the "Granfather" charactor, are well, too disgousting.

"The focus groups threw up all over them," Stu said, "And that was only the people who didnt run out of the screening. We have to go to L.A. and see about auditioning some other voices for Granfather."

I said to Stu, "The old basterd will kill me! And besides, I dont have money to go to LA!"

Stu told me that a coupel of people from Cyberblop were going to LA next week and that I coud come along. I asked him HOW.

"The Rent-A-Temp-Gal(tm) account is a mess," said Stu. "Do you know anything about that?"

Lying, I said that I did not. Stu went on, "They're based in L.A., and me, Bouvard, Peckushay and Peaches are going out there. I told Bouvard we need you too, as tech lead."

I said, "Bouvard hates me! He'll never OK it!"

"No, Peaches hates you. Bouvard doesnt even know you're alive. But I'll get the old guy to approve the expense."

I whispored back, "Yeah right."

Stu wrinkoled his snout. "Oh, I've got the untouchable expence account," he sniffed. "I once got the old fart to approve a $400 massage."

"Pay atention back there!"

We were snapped back to reallity by Peaches who screamed at us from up on the stage. They were now discussing all these stupid things that were suposed to "improve morale" here.

Two consultants were introduced. These were high-payed idiots who we ocassionally saw around the office. They were Peaches' friends from Silicon Valley. Today they were flown in and payed $5,000 a day each as "Esteem Enhancement Coordinnators" which was a fancy term for corporrate cheerleaders. (Meanwhile, last year these two idiots were "web design experts" who alls they did was come in and tell us our website sucked.)

"To hell with Profits," Peaches crowed into the mike, "If we dont, as humen beings, FEEL GOOD abbout ourselves on the workplace, the profits themselves are never worth it."

The two consultents frowned angrily at us, and told us that we sucked becuase we did not all feel as good as we really truly shoud. Next, they showed a picture of a giant copper capuchino machine the size of a locamotive.

"Companies that feel GOOD about themselves reward themselves with latte," one of them hissed.

Next the other dumbasses sugested that we drill big holes between floors and put in big spiral playground slides, cause he saw these at some trendy company he visited in Silicon Valley.

Upper management chimes in

"We need to be trendy!" Mr. Bouvard warbled, "Why, we're just as good as the others! Harrumph!! What do those OTHER companies that we don't?" he growled into the micraphone on the stage.

"Profits!" yelled out Cathyann after a breif instant of pause, BWAHAHAHAHA!

Then she whispored to me, "What I orta say NOW is: 'At least that's whut this here WALTER feller sittin' next to me thinks!' ...BWAHAHAHAHAH"

I was glad no one heard her say that. Adressing the audeince again but this time much more pissed, Peaches said, "No more jokes! Cyberblop is very concerned about the well being of our employees, and we've put some resources up on the corporate intranet. Barry will now demanstrate the path from the Network Neighborhood to the folder where they reside..."

Barry, the pain in the ass guy I sit near was now sittin up there on the stage on a small folding chair. In front of him was anothor folding chair, on which sat a laptop, whose screen was now displayed on the giant screen. The whole compeny was treated to four inches of moon white carpenter crack as Barry's butt popped up as he bent over to navigate the path... Oh crap. They GOT to be kidding.

They were navigating to a server named: Wally_Is_A_Pansy
...which is the thing that Barry kept sayin over and over agian just not long ago. I knew he was configguring a new server, and THIS IS WHAT HE NAMED IT.

A couple of people were tittoring in the audeince, cause you coud see all the other silly names they had for servers up there, but none of them atacked someone, least of all me, and of course Cathyann was laughin the loudest as her big booming guffaws filled the auditorium, "WALLY-UNDERSCORE-IS-UNDERSCORE-A-UNDERSCORE-PANSY: I DON'T KNOW WHUT IN HAYLE IT MEANS, BUT, ALLS I KIN SAY IS:

"BWAHAHAHA!"

I was so extremly pissed.

But the ultimate Absollute worst hummiliation was yet to come

"Is there anything else on the agenda?" the consultants running the presentation asked Peaches toword the end of the meeting, while glancing around the stage. Barry, sittin there by the projector piped up, "Has everyone seen Mr. Bouvard's new Welcome Message off the homepage?"

Cyberblop, like so many companies have placed a huge downloadibile file off the page. It takes ten minuts to download, and alls you get after that is a choppy movie of his big red baboon's ass of a face lookin at you and saying, "Harumph! Welcome to Cyberblop-dot-com and the Year Two Thousand!"

Howevor on this day they showed somthing diferent.

"We've had some problems with the wrong files getting on the site, so I'm not responsible for what comes up when I click," said Barry, supressing a giggle, as sevoral other people in the audience giggled. These Systems guys are allways ending the all-hands staff meetings with funny gags, so like the rest of the audeince I was actualy looking foward to what they had up thier sleeve today.

What hapened next was singulorly the most houmilliating, embarassing, mortifying and degrading thing I have ever endured in my entire pitiful life.

Insted of the Windows Media Player file of the Boss's "Welcome Message" it was a media file of ME. Yes, it was a segment of film of me, cought on the security camera in the front reception area. It was black and white but you coud tell it was clearly me. I was carreying a heavy box and trying to get inside the front door of the building. Do you remembor when I wrote about how I tilted my hip toword the Bar Code Pass so it woud read my Pass in my pants pocket? I had to do it six or seven times beffore it worked. As I kept tilting my hips to it, and you speeded up the film it looked like I was doing somthing vulgor on the film. And the whole danm company SAW IT.

"LOOKY THAR," Cathyann creid out to the shrieking howls of laughtor of the entire company, her loud raspy barking voice cutting thruogh all of the noise louder and clearer than anything.

"It's Walter! And he's loves his job so much, he's done humpin' the front door!

BWAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHA! I jumped up and somewhat rudely climbed over Stu and Cathyann out to the aisle. I am enbarassed to say that I made a little bit of a scene. Also, if no one knew the "Wally" in the name of the new servor was me, they all did now.

"Get back here!" Peaches screamed at me. I stourmed out and somhow was able to say, "This is my day off!" but Peaches hollored as I left, "You are still responsable to learn all our new Cyberblop(tm) Corporrate Guidelines on Morale Enhancement and Employee Self-Esteem Milestones and Benchmark Measures! Come back and improve your morale! You worthless idiot! You useless piece of garbage!!"

Walter Has left the Biulding.