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The Humilliatingly LATE Update covering Aogust, September and Octobor 2000

Page 12 of 39


Slowly Zeke lumbered over to Granfather's spot on the sofa. With an untrustworthey look on his face and bairing a hole thru Granps with an evil eagle eye he lowered himself into Granfather's favored spot, splaying his awkword, creaking, too-long knobbey-jointed huge-boned limbs, slower than one of those giant military transports landing silently from a grey sky or in the case of Uncle Zeke an elderly ovorsized arthritic giraffe, not knowing WHY he is doing so, only that he MUST, stiffley positioning himself to reluctantly mate for the first time in his long miserable life. (Actualy, while Granfather was trying to be nice--the seat he offored to Zeke is closest to the TV set and is indeed the best in the house--its also the stinkiest. Remember, Granfather's ass is in it all day).

"NOW, BOY," said Granfather, turning his devil eyes toword me, "WHAR IS THAT NICE LEMONY SODY POP DRINK MAH DEAR BROTHER LIKES?"

Ohmigod. Id forgotton to get the Zima from Cathyann. Danm. I shoud never of trusted her to bring it over.

Zeke scowled suspiciousley. "Whut the heck is goin' on here?"

Junior interupted, "Gee Grampy you shore is bein' nice to Mr. Zeke."

Granfather screamed, "SHUT YER DANM MOUTH JUNIOR.

B'FORE I RENDER YER LARDY-ASS CARCASS DOWN INTO SOME NEW AGE CANDLES, AN' SELL YOU OFF TO THE HALLMARK STORE."

The old basterd then hopped over to me like a limping rabid wallaby. He was pissed at me cause I forgot the Zima. Uncle Zeke never knowingly took alchohol in his life and the smallest ammount indeed knocked him out on his big flat butt. But Zeke has, and will, drink Zima. Granfather stared hard and unblinking in my eyes.

"I...I forgot the Zima, messed up," I stammored.

"WAAL, YOU BETTER GIT IT BY TOMORROW," he growled. Granfather threttened to do the same thing he just thretenned Junior for and also allot of other unspeakoble things involving a prickley pear plant, some powor tools and my ass.

I went in my room to check my email. My life is a whole lot of highs and lows. Usually lows but here was a high: In my email there was not one, but TWO mesages from my beloved former counselor NiNi. OK, they werent directly adressed to me, but were part of a distrobution list. One email was about some bogus virus scare, the othor about some bogus rumored plan to tax the internet. Clearly these were the signs of someone just learning to get on the Internet.

It is true love:

Yes, i was cherishing and walowing in the delerious joy of her spam. Her SPAM for Godsake. To me even her spam was beutiful. My love for her was renewed beyond all hope....Until...

The sound of screamming came from back in the living room.

Granfather and Madison were having a big row. Madison is one of the few people in the world who is not affraid of Granfather. This is cause he considers the old basterd a study subject, and not a human.

What they were fightin about; A disagreement on Medicine

There was some expensive medicine that Madison had got for Granfather, and now the old basterd apeared to of lost it.

"HOW MANY TOES DO YOU SEE HERE, MADISON? HOW MANY TOES YOU DUMBASS!"

Madison hollored back, "Ten, eleven or twelve, It dosent matter! You take the dosage anyway!"

It seems that Granfather was takin some very costly meddicine that was suposed to be used only by herbiverous ungulates. An ungulate is an animal like a horse, cow (and I think also a pig and elephent but I am not sure) but this particulor medicine Gramps was taking was made strictly for a very large ungulate, specifically a rhinoserous.

There are even-toed ungullates and those with an odd numbor of toes. Since Granfather has eleven toes, (5 on one foot, 6 on the othor), he was fighting with Madison about the dosage.

Granfather also lost his medicine, and it cost allot. Madison, in turn, blamed Granfather for purpossely losing the medicine out of spite.

What the ungulate meddicine was for

The medicine was designed to stop diahhrrea in Rhinos who acidentally eat things like icecream or chocollate that dumbass tourists throw in their cages at zoos.

Interrestingly, (if you happen to find these things of interest), while Granfather is a carniverous predator that is biologgically related to primates, insects, funguses, canines and reptiles, he is NOT an ungulate. However he craps like an herbivorrous pachyderm which includes elephents and maybe even rhinos so that is why Madison gave this type of medicine to him.

Granfather coud not of lost the medicine on purpose

I have to say: Madison was probly wrong on this one. And it pains me to credit the old basterd on the side of any argumment, but I had to considor the facts: If anything, in order to maintain his floating world Record Metamucil island, Granfather was trying to CUT DOWN on anything that might shake the ground; (and believe me when he goes to the bathroom he shakes the freakin ground.)

It was indeed an akward mystery as to where the missing medicine was. But I had othor problems to deal with. Mainly my JOB.

An unpleasent shock at work

Well I have to tell you I was pretty pissed about bein houmilliated in front of the whole company. One part was being publicly mocked when they named a danm server after me called: WALLY_IS_A_PANSY.
I dont even like to be called Wally danmit. But the WORST was the danm looping film of me on the security camera. That event for me was unspeakably mortifying, embarasing and hoummilliatting all in one.

So the next day I took my sweet time gettin into work and rolled in at 9:30 which is more than an hour late. (I tell you I realy dont care. The way they treat me, they canot blame me if I start to get a bad attittudde.

In any case I marched straite into the office of the Vice President of Human Resources to file an officiol complaint.

Boy was I in for a supprise. An unpleasent suprise.