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The Humilliatingly LATE Update covering Aogust, September and Octobor 2000

Page 14 of 39


This place sucks

I just sort of flopped into my chair. It was bad attittude time and you know what? I just did not give a crap. I was now the proverbiol employee with the chip on his shouldor. I pulled up the shareware version of Quake and started to blast away at some medieval monster ass with the danm nailgun. I cranked the sound on high. And you know what I did not give a crap about that eithor. Plus to top it off my stomoch still was killing me. It hurt like hell, and I did not know why.

"Turn that off!" Barry screammed at me. He looked prettey pissed so I did what he said. Remember I am sheepish. Then he said to me, "Remember, you will soon be only a temp--a Rent-A-Temp-Gal(tm) Ha Ha!!

I cannot keep my Personol Problems at home out of the workplace

Yes the whole world harrasses me at my job. My phone rang for like, the thuosandth time that day. Sureley it was either Granfather or some sort of Granfather rellated problem. I was right.

It was the County Clerk calling. He was holloring and screamin at me. Aparantly he took his mother to the cafe in our town and who was there but Granfather.

Why the County Clerk was mad

The old basterd had took his still-suspicious brother Uncle Zeke there as a speciel freindly treat. Anything to get him out of the house. If Zeke knew abuot the existance of the Magical Mettamucil Island he woud try to sink it in a second.

It is kind of funny to see Granfather desperateley kiss up to someone he hates. But anyway all this pent up hatred was intensified when, safely six miles away from the World Record floating powdored laxative Miracle, the other object of his hatred, the County Clerk walks in.

The County Clerk recounted to me what hapenned. He acused Granfather of doing somthing horroble: The county Clerk's mother's cat was missing and he blamed Granfather for foul play.

The county Clerk's mother is an old lady about 80 years old but she is kindof tough and can take care of herself. Anyway a few years ago Granfather saw the old lady sittin on the park bench near the courthouse with the cat in her lap. The old basterd aproached to pet the kitty, but like everyone else in the County she hates Granps and told him to go to hell. Also the cat is sort of the bitchy type and it hissed and spit at Granfather.

I know it is stupid but this is the way things are in a small town like ours. In any case the Countey Clerk swaggored up to the table where Granfather and Uncle Zeke sat and accused Granfather in the cat's disapearance and a whole ugly scene ensued. The way it ended up Granfather later on the parkin lot sort of vandallized the County Clerk's car. Did you ever see the movie Ragtime when back in the year 1900 the mean auto mechannic guy takes a crap right on the Real Corinthien Leather of the poor piano player's car seat? Granfather did something like that. The car is now unusable.

The County Clerk was now callin me up at work to holler at me about it

I told the County Clerk (in sort of a haughtey tone, but you know, I was in such a bad mood), that he might as well get his ass into therapy because he had problems with projecting. Yes, he coud not deal with Granfather himself, and so he was picking on ME..

I was so danm tired of the County Clerk

It is time for him to give it up. You cannot win agianst Granfather.

Anothor unpleasent discovery

I fished arround in my desk drawer for anothor Maalox tablet. Ive been takin antacids for the past few days for my stomoch. Usualy I swallow them whole cause I cant take the chalkey taste but while I was on the phone with the countey Clerk I was actually chewing one whole. It was so extremly nasty tasting. I took a good look at the blistor pack for the first time. I realized I was not eatin Maalox at all.

This was Granfather's missing medicine.

I must of took it out of the bathroom at home by misteak. I am freakin eating anti diarhhrea medicine meant for a four thuosand pound animal. No wondor I cannot crap.

was now time for lunch and so i headed for the caffeteria. I was so depressed about my job it did not mattor that I was takin a danm rhinocerous anti-diarrheal. I was practicaly in tears when I sat down at the table. Tilde, Cathyann and Stu were alredy there.

Yes we realy are the Seinfeld crew like Cathyann says. It is allways just us four. The entire company hates both me and Tilde. Cathyann, who has no where else to sit, is a pain in the ass so peoplle avoid her all the time. She is not even suposed to be at our table, she is suposed to be working during lunch, since she is a cafeteria workor. And Stu, well, Stu has allot of connections high up in the company and is the only one of our little group who can be called a sucess. But he looks so danm much like a pig that (at least its my guess that) no one in his peer group will eat with him. It is never a prettey sight anyway.

Anothor long conversation domminated by Cathyann

"See mah bracelet?" Cathyann barked, while shoving her sweatty wrist in our faces. "IT'S A LOVE BRACELET: A BRACELET OF LUUUUVE.
..."It's from may boyfriend DOO-WAYNE."

Alls it was, was a plastic hospitol ID wrist strip linked thruogh some old "Body By Fisher" metal seal from the threshhold of some old truck that DuWayne wrecked into a pole on his way to rush Cathyann to the hospitol one night when they both were foolin arround in the cargo area and she thoght she was havin a heart attack.

"See, Ah THOUGHT Ah wuz havin' a heart attack. Big ole sharp pain and what not, near mah aorta," she explained.

"See, ya'll got a AY-orta, right here," she said, liftin up her shirt, (oh, yuck!).

"And this here's a yer BEE-yorta whut run under yer armpit. 'Course it weren't no heart attack at all. Just the steel clip from DOO-Wayne's picture ID badge stucked thar on his shirt pocket while he was sprawled-up top of me, just done stabbin' mah left titty! BWAHAHAHA!"

Stu, who allways finds a way to be gracious and interrested in the othor person asked, "So, where does Dwayne work where he wears a picture ID?"

"TechnoMeriDigiCom(R)," Cathyann said. And when she said that, Stu, Tilde and even I laughed. It was very very unusuol to have us three laugh and her not. We thought she was makin a joke.

"I ain't foolin, y'all. In fact here it is," she said, tossin onto the table after pullin out from her white cafeteria smock pocket a genuine TechnoMeriDigiCom(R) ID badge.

"Oh, Crap," I said. No one was laughin now.

What it means to work at TechnoMeriDigiCom(R)