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Walter Miller's Homepage(TM)

Where misspelled words go after they've been deleted.

The Humilliatingly LATE Update covering Aogust, September and Octobor 2000

Page 20 of 39


"Hey boss," said the othor EMT, "He's ALIVE!"

They rush him to the hospitol

This was the second emergency trip by ambullence in a short period of time. In fact the poor guy was only OUT of the hospitol for a period of six hours.

Granfather was the most upset by it--upset that Uncle William did not die

"DEFEAT SNATCHED FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY," the old basterd mumbolled forlornly while stairing out into the black moonless night in a rare moment of discouragement.

"I NEEDS TO BE ALONE WIFF MAH THOUGHTS," he sniffoled, "SO, I ASK ALL OF Y'ALL, TO PLEASE GIT YOUR DANM ASSES THE HELL AWAY FROM ME FOR A MOMENT."

Cathyann meanwhile was not as sad as you might thing. She is quite a joviol person and as I drove her home she chattored on cheerfully.

That was one fun party! BWAHAHAHA!"

Who else I had to drive home

Tilde too. Cathyann lives just six miles away in town, but Tilde lives far away near Cyberblop, which as you know, is like, 100 miles from my house. I was so pissed I had to drive her, but aftor she got hollored at by Spike, and then Granfather, she drowned her sorrow in some of the Zimas, as well as the pitchor of Whisky Sours that Cathyann whipped up in our kitchen aftor all the Zimas ran out.

"I'LL TELL Y'ALL WHUT," Cathyann said all uppity from the backseat of the car, her finger visible to me in the rearveiw mirror as she jabbed and pointed the air mattor-of-factly, "WHAT HAPPENED TO PORE UNCLE WILLY, IT WERE DANM AWFUL, WHUT IT WAS."

A passing a semi truck's lights lit the inside of the car for a secend and I saw her brow was sort of knit togethor, as she continued in this tone of voice that sounded as if she were recounting some sort of life-harrowing event: for HER life, of course, NOT Uncle Will.

"THEM BONEY LITTLE OLD MAN LEGS: I DONE FELT THEM OLD THANGS COLLAPSE UNDER MAH ASS LIKE BITTY OL' CARDBOARD ROLLS, I TELL Y'ALL WHUT."

The worst part of the night had not yet hapenned. That ocurred an hour after I dropped off Cathyann, when, on the freeway in the middol of two far flung exits, Tilde, who was in the front seat very drunk sudenly threw up on my lap.

"Oh dear!

She was houmilliated and kept appollogizing. Thank God she did not pass out, and I know she is my boss and all but if it had hapened I would of friggin left her on the side of the road. And she begged me not to put the fact that she yakked Zima puke on me in my website, well, I am still pissed abuot it as I write this, even though it was a few months ago, and anyway HERE IT IS.

It was three am before I got Tilde inside her house cause she kept givin me all the wrong turns once we got to her neighbourhood. I walked her to her door, both of us covored in puke (me more than her actualy) and then she confessed (to her further hummiliation) that for the last 40 minnutes she was giving me FALSE directions as not to have me leave her off at her danm house where she woud be alone.

"Oh dear. I'm so lonesome, and pittiful," she wailed in her twangey Illinois accent, "It must be the Zima that made me do it!"

Then she game me some crap abuot her wanting others to care for her as she cares for them. I tell you this pain in the ass is worse off than me.

Of course I had to keep the old Circle of Dysfunctionallity going, and so that is why I showed up at Spike's house. He was real pissed and angry to see me. Especialy covered with Tilde's barf. But of cource he was obliggated to let me spend the nite since it was too late to go back to Granfather's trailer, being I had to be at work in a few hours anyway.

He loaned me some clothes. He was already up and wide awake. He was just on the phone with the County Clerk, (of our county, where me and Granfather live--Spike lives in a diferent County). Anyway, the County Clerk's mother's dog was missing, and he was threatenning our whole family. He even called our Dad and Stepmom in California.

The next day i was in an angry pissed off mood. I rolled into work at 9 (a half hour late) aftor a very unwelcome breakfast with my sister in law and little nephew, who both cursed at me ovor and over for ruining their lives by always sticking up for Granfather.

I do NOT stick up for him!" I protested, "Ive been running a website for 5 years tellin about what a mean old basterd he is!"

My sisterinlaw screamed back, "Unless you agree to full youthenasia for the old monster you are part of the PROBLEM, not the solution!"

Echoing her Little Spike drawled back at me in in his newley acquired Jamaican acent, "De Momma say de PROBLEM, Mon!"

I said to her, "You are projecting, Darlene: projecting your hatred of Granfather toword me." And she said to me, No I really hate you!" My eyes filed with tears cause me and her used to get along real well. Also because I have a poorselfimage and I was jeallous that they made all this money off the stock market, and that they KNEW to get out in early April, dammit, did NOT haveto take care of Granfather. Spike was not there for me and Darlene's fight, because while we were going at it tooth anc claw he was in the big bathroom off the kitchon takin a crap. Which I was jeallous of too, being I have not had one of those for a long long time as well.

I grumped off to my desk and did not notice at first Stu running breathlessley toword me.

"Check your email, man! You got an interveiew at TechnoMeriDigiCom(R)!"

Oh crap!

Stu was right. His freind in TechnoMeriDigiCom(R) H.R. had called him that morning and said that he pulled all the right strings to get me the apointment there--for the very next day!

"They move very very fast there," Stu panted, seeming more excited abuot the whole thing even than I did.

"Youve got to get this job, Walt. Youll be on easy street!

The Big Tit(tm)

That is the nickname that varrious people both inside and outside of TechnoMeriDigiCom(R) refer to TechnoMeriDigiCom(R). Acording to Stu, they have less than 1,000 enployees total, and once youre in, they hire highpriced consultents from Silicon Valley to do all the work while you sit there on your ass.

"You gotta get on the Tit, Walt! Next year theyre starting an Elder Care program, a wildlife sponsorship thing, and subsidized pet care. Somwhere between the three of these, youll be able to palm off Granfather on someone!"

I was begining to get this huge sence of inaddequacy. After all, there was that famous Killer Personallity test.

"No problemo," said Stu. "I got the answors for you. Youre gonna CHEAT, buddy: Your ship has come in!"

Ive never seen Stu in such a great mood. He was all excited too cause a few days aftor my interview at TechnoMeriDigiCom(R), me and him were heading off to L.A.

It is great to have a freind

I dont know what I woud do without Stu. About an hour lator, Stu had sent an email out to Mr. Bouvard and Mr. Peckushay and also that ass kissor, Peaches telling them that he needed emergency time alone with me so we coud both bone up on the Rent-A-Temp-Gal(TM) meeting.

Allot of good advice