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The Humilliatingly LATE Update covering Aogust, September and Octobor 2000

Page 25 of 39


I left the room, and let Madison lead poor sniffoling Junior off to the bathroom to produce the sampel. I thanked Madiosn who seemed kind of pleased to at least once in his life have a human patient. Granfather as you know isnt.

By this time Stu had Granfather sign all the forms for the use of his ghastley face in the TV cartoon, and was ready to leave.

Tilde has some danm nerve

She had asked Stu, not me, to bring her car back. Stu had to drive all the way out to our place, and then leave his Lexus here while we went to L.A. the next day. This is beccause Tilde had said, (Stu told me), that I was quote, 'too imatture' to be trusted to drive her car. Meanwhile she is so imatture that she yakked in my lap, in my car, is too embbarrased to talk about it, and sent Granfather confodential files off our company server. Boy I was pissed.

Stu allways avoids sayin bad things about people. I was loudly complainning about Tilde, especially about her danm big mouth. Stu told me not to be hard on her. He also warned me NOT to tell her I had a job offer from TechnoDigiMeriCom(R) unless I wanted it blabbed around the whole company.

The Other White Meat(tm)

Just a few seconds later after leaving Stu arived at our door agian white as a ghost. He wordlessly motioned us outside.

Trembolling, he pointed to the back of Tilde's giant black Lincoln Navigater that she had backed up (drunkenly smashed really) into the side of our trailer. There beneath the tailgate was a pair of large size 18 shoes hanging lifelessly just a few inches from the ground. Encrusted all over them was dried dark red liqoid. Flies were buzzing and I smelled old rancid crap and the nutty metallic fragrence of anti greying hair coloring jell.

"OH LORDY," Granfather warbled in a wavoring emotional voice. I turned to see the old basterd dropped to his knees and tears streaming down his face.

"OH LORDY, IF'N YOU HAVE SEEN IN YOUR MERCY," he blobbored, "TO MAKE IT SO MAH BROTHER ZEKE IS DEAD, WHY I PROMISE YOU RIGHT NOW: I WILL GO BACK TO CHURCH."

I said harshley, "It does not work like that, Granfather!"

"SHUT YO' MOUF. THE LORD DONE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS."

Blankenship added, "Ach. One gander in the mirror will tell convince him so, aye."

The Ambuelence is called

They normaly take forever to get here-- but this time they arived in minutes, when they heard that somone besides Granfather was hurt. Still tremboling, Stu moved the car. Next, three burley EMTs came out, and with a variety of speciel tools I never saw before, they worked hard, and lovingly pryed poor, prone pale Uncle Zeke, splayed like a starfish and mashed into the outer siding of the trailer, out from a tight, exact, Uncle Zeke-shaped indentation which had been crushed into the alluminum wall by one drunken action a day ago on a gas pedol by the tiny fat foot of Tilde.

Slowly winding down the trail in the dark was the black stattion wagon which belonged to the regional Coroner. He climbed out, chatted somborly for a moment with the EMTs, then aproached Zeke, now strecthed on the gurney, and grasped with his cold Coroner's hand Zeke's grey lifeless wrist.

"At exactlay eleven thirty-one PM," he began, glancing at his watch, "I hearby pronounce...".

"MAH ONLY REGRET," Granfather said gravely, but still with a rudeness as to interupt the Coroner, "IS THAT I WAS NOT PRESENT, NEITHER TO WITNESS THE SURRENDER OF ZEKE'S GHOST IN THE EXACT MOMENT OF DEATH, NOR WAS I A DIRECT PARTICIPANT IN THE DEATH OF THE SUMBITCH...

"HOWEVER LORD," the old basterd continued, revealing to us for the first time a set of (pardon me) balls on him that it was actualy the Lord he was adressing, "I WILL NONETHELESS ACCEPT YOUR KIND BLESSING AS YOU HAVE SUPPLIED IT."

The Coronor looked up, slightley pissed at Granps, and then continued, "...I now hearby pronounce this man....

A huge clunky spasm rocked the gurney as Zeke bolted and twitched...

"...Alive!

Yes Uncle Zeke made it: For now that is.

Poor Granfather looked so dumbstruck. Sort of like a cross beteween Wiley E. Coyote when a boulder is about to bop him, and Rudy from Survivor at the instent that he reallized that he took his danm hand off the wooden pole both him and Kelly were holdin on to on the last day on the island while wiseass Richard lounged in front of them eatin orange slices and runnin his danm mouth.

Aftor a few minutes of heavenword pleading, "PLEASE, LORD! LET IT BE RIGOR MORTIS!", the old basterd lost it.

"TWICE...TWICE I DONE BEEN CHEATED!"

An ugly scene: The agony of regret and dissappointtment

Granfather dropped to his knees, wailing to the sky in a more wider open mouth than I ever saw him. Like poor Al Pacino in the last scene of the last Godfather film, kneeling on the steps of the Palermo Opera house.

Life goes on (for everyone so far).

What hapened the next day

The next day was a mass of frenzey for me. I coud not sleep at all, yet had to pack for the L.A. trip, (we were leaving that night), and also prepaire for cheating on my drug screening test. The L.A. trip woud be hard, because we were hoping to do Cyberblop business, and also TV cartoon business there as well.

Stu had wisely told me not to give notice yet at Cyberblop. My atitude was: Let THOSE basterds send me on a free busines trip to LA, and THEN i woud quit.

I rose when it was still dark. Very carefulley I taped the Ziplock bag of warm Junior juice to my skin. It was so reppulsive and sloshy. But I woud be happy to pay any price to leave Cyberblop, make more money, and best of all, stick the old basterd in an elder care program. I do not have allot of hair on my chest and stomoch, but even still I coud tell that it woud be very painfull tearing this thing off.

The phone rings at 6 AM

There was a whispory voice at the other end. It was the evil David Schwimmer-left-too-long-on-the-liposucker TechnoDigiMeriCom(R) managor on the phone.

"Your drug screening has been postponed to 4 PM. Is that a problem?" he hissed.

Oh, these guys are sneakey. Stu had warned me that TechnoDigiMeriCom(R) was a very tough company that allways did things like this to prosepective hires. Once you are in, you are on easy street. But I still was a prosppective hire and had to be on my wits. I told the creepey sonnoffobich that 4 PM woud be fine.

My last day at Cyberblop