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The Humilliatingly LATE Update covering Aogust, September and Octobor 2000

Page 34 of 39


It was only Junior.

"Howdy y'all," he said dourley. The reasen why he was walkin so slow, (sounding indeed like the coroner comin up the steps) was because of what he held in his hands. What he hoped not to spill.

"I done got more samples for yuh, Walter."

Oh God No

It was more urine. Not just a little but ALLOT. It was a bedpan full. Not just full but VERY full. Did you ever fill a glass up with wator, and the level is so high that if you look at it from the side you see it heaped up higher than the rim? Thats how high this yellow treasoure was in that danm bedpan.

"JUNIOR YOU DUMBASS!" Granfather cried. "YOU DIDN'T DRIVE SIX MILES FROM TOWN WITH THAT OL THANG IN YER CAR, DID YUH?"

"No!" Junior declared slightley offended. "I filled this pan up visiting my momma in Lubbock and then done took the BUS." Junior hung his head in enbarrasment and added, "Then after that big ol' long ride back, THEN I droved over."

Okay, allot of othor disgousting stuff hapened regarding that, but this update is gettin way to long anyway. I will try to concontrate on the important stuff, like what hapenned THE NEXT DAY.

Quittin' Time

The next morning when I arived back in the ofice I went straihgt to my cube and cleared out all my personal things. Here is some advice if your ever about to quit, and you want to avoid all the pain in the ass security checks on the way out who think your stealing all their company secrets when all you want to do is walk out with your friggin coffee cups and DOOM disks: Bring it to the mailroom and FedEx it to yourself. (Stu tought me that trick).

A pittiful parting shot on my part

I hate Cyberblop. I wished I coud of told them so upon leaving. But deep down I think I am sort of a coword. I am ashamed to admit it, but one of the things I FedExed to myself that was NOT a personol belonging was a rather heavy three-hole puncher. Yes I confess that. I am not proud of it. It is not like I was stealing it for the sake of "stealing" somthing. I more wanted Cyberblop to pay anothor $27 in FedEx to ship it. It was just sittin there on my desk. It was something that me and that bully creep Barry share. I also hoped that somhow he would get blamed for its disappearance, although it turns out he never was. Let me just tell you right now that I regret (okay, I admit it, stealing) that heavy three hole punchor.

Next I went to the Human Recourses office and handed them a resignattion letter.

I had all these grand illusions about burning my bridges and making a scene, or perhaps sending out a nasty flame mail to the whole world, but in the end alls I did was hand in a lettor.

The lady from H.R. read it for a few seconds and then started laughin at me in a cruel way.

"You can't spell for spit," she lauaghed. In turn, howevor, I acted profesionally.

It is the TechnoDigiMeriCom(R)Way(tm)

In my New TechnoDigiMeriCom(R) Enployee Orientation Kit there was a lettor in there from the President of TechnoDigiMeriCom(R). He is a severe and mysterrious man. In the lettor it writes about how TechnoDigiMeriCom(R) people must act profesionally when they leave their old jobs, because you never know if those old companies will one day be our clients.

Yeah right. Like Cyberblop can AFFORD a great company like TechnoDigiMeriCom(R). But even still I behaived well. They have a saying:

"While Wearing the Tunic. (R)"

It is suposed to mean, that once you put on their famous company logo shirt, you reppresented the whole company. And that you bettor danm well BEHAVE like a professionol. (I was starting to become proud of working there. Even thuogh I didnt start yet.)

I am not one for long goodbyes. I hated Cyberblop and now I was glad I was leaving. I was also upset, very upset. I was pissed that no one cared I was leaving.

Peaches came by and was very nice for the very first time. Barry gave me a limp, sweaty and very awkword handshake. I later found out that he too was being exiled to the Temp agency.

Stu was freindly but distant, and was polite, but not in a warm way. He must of realized he set me off from his comments on the plane. The more I thoght about it, the madder I got. Stay on as a Rent-A-TempGal(tm) at Cyberblop? Not on my freakin ass.

Tilde, she blubbored and cried and wept. But it did not make me feel any better. She creid the same way when Maude Flanders died on The Simpsons for Godsake. And Bouvard, well I pokked my head in his office, said I was leaving and endured his trademark vacant stare. He blankley muttored, "Fare well and good luck," and as i walked down the hall heard him say to his secretery, "Who the hell was that young man? He looks familior."

My date with Nini, my belloved former counselor, the womon of my dreams was set for that very afternoon.

Leaving Cyberblop, (for TechnoDigiMeriCom(R)!), AND having a date with her shoud of made this the happiest day of my life. Insted I felt sad, pissed, nervuos, upset and totaly inadequate.

Ah yes but all of that changed. I went home, arriving back at the trailer at around 11:00. I coud prepare for my date all alone, as the three criptos had took Granfather into town for a court apearance. (Granfather has allot of court apearances).

It was great to just relax, and shower. Also to rest withuot the blazing noise of the TV and burning stench of the old basterd. (Our trailor smells all the time, yes; but when the old basterd is not there, it smells less worse).

The restuarant that Nini sugested I meet her at is this trendey sort of vegeterian place. She is sort of the earthey type. The resturant has lots of brown rice and tofu dishes and incense and lava lamps and big paisley cushions all over the place.

Also the food tastes like crap. They nevor have any customers. In fact when I arried I was the only person in the whole danm place. And they have those anoying strings of beads between rooms that you have to walk thruogh. I am always afraid of snot and germs on those beads. Plus they have a unisex restroom. I dont know what the hell the atraction is with these unisex bathrooms. Alls I really want is just to go to the bathroom in peace. (Actualy come to think of it, alls I REALLY want is just to go to the danm bathroom PERIOD).

Of course I get there at the restaurant extremly early, at least 40 minutes early. I was realy excited and looking forward to this. I know Ive wrote about this before but its true: Even though she is 14 years older than me she is my true love. I woud marry her today in one minite, I swear it.

Glory Halaluya

You will never guess what hapened to me as soon as I walked in. I went to the bathroom to check my hair one last time. And then sudenly it hit me. Yes I had the urge to GO.

Esta Milagro! -- It was a miracle

Somtimes things in my life work out teribly, and sometimes they work themselves out good. But NOTHING prepared me for how wondorfully this here worked out for me. Shoud I even say that no "work" was even involved?

Now, Ive spent many many pages over the past 5 years discribing things that come out of Granfather. I will respectfulley and modesty refrain from doing the same.

Howevor. This is of course a toilat humor site, and I canot let it pass easily. (even though, whoa, did it pass easily).

Okay: I guess the best way to describe it, (othor than noting that both Madison's clinical discriptions and Blankenship's romantic musings were pleasantly, suprizingly, and gloriousley correct -- lets just say that thanks to the mirraculous grainy fiber content of delicious sugarfree Orange Metamucil, this big, um, Deliverable, (the size of a Milestone) was indeed Granular, On Target, Seamless, (as opposed to Overly Market Segmentated), and "Made a Splash" that really really really Impacted the Landscape. (So much of a splash there wasnt even any water left in the toilat. Not a drop. Holy cow it was incredeble.).

It was "Streamlined. It was "End-to-End." It was Wireless and Coast to Coast. And, heaven help any "supply chain" that might of been cought under weight of this thing before it fell, cause I tell you what: It woud now be COLLAPSED.

My gosh, I have nevor seen anything like it. I just stood there lookin at it. I felt sort of truimphant, like a sucesfull version of Captian Ahab. I did not smoke, but if I did, I'd of had a smoke.

Up and down its full length my eyes travelled over in marvel. Do you remember the very first scene of Mel Brooks' Spaceballs when, in a spoof of when Star Wars first showed the huge Empire starship, the camera follows this hillariously long spaceship along an exaggerated length that just woud not ever end? Sort of like that. I did not even realize how much time went by as I gazed and swooned in awe. Then I looked at my watch...She woud be there any minute!!

I hurreid out.

I was sudenly cought in a web of beads by the passageway back to the dining area. I franticaly have this spastic, akword Cosmo Kramer klutzey way about me exept it is not funny. It is houmiliatting.

I hear somone laughing, a woman. I turn around, and sitting like a pretty little dove in one of those pretentious Morticia Addams wickor peacock chair having a drink smiling there she is.

All of the bad feelings I was feeling abbout all my emotional problems the last few weeks were imediatly gone. She laughed at me gettin cought in the beads, but not in a bad way. I kept waiting for her to remark that it was "cute" but she did not. (Well, you cant have everything.)

It turns out she got there even earlier than me

Wow, that was a good sign! Also she thoght it was...here is the word: cute! -- that on my way inside the bathroom I did not even notice she was sitting there!

She was as beutiful as ever.

Well...Sort of. Her hair was very very short. It used to be very long. I wish womon realized that we men realy like long hair. (Conversely, much to your suprise, we men realy do not care about YOUR big issue, how big your ass is.)

I guess a inexperienced loser like me shoud not edittorialize on such issues. Okay, back to the story.

"Hey you," she said. (OK, I will add one more thing: If you want to get a guy to love you, say, "Hey You" to him).

"...What were you DOIN' in there?" she laughed. I lauged back, another real laugh, "You dont wanna KNOW!" Then we both laughed some more. This was great! Then we ordored food.

Lunch came, and we had, well, an interesting conversation. It started out with pleasentries and then I am sad to say started to go downhill.

As Ive said: She is no longer counselling

She has a new line of business. She was talkin to me about now that we are in the Year 2000 things have changed. Both in the business and in the home. A Convergence of Technollogies was coming.

Aftor a few minutes the wind slowley disappeared from my sails. It was like she had joined some danm cult. She spoke about Streamlining and Integrating and Aggraggating and Implementing and all of that other awfull stuff.

My spirits were crushed. She had become a danm freak.

In about 15 minutes I heard every danm corporate Plattitude I ever heard in my life

She talked about "action items" and "red flags" for the upcoming new convergences. And also "sidebar meetings taken off line" for further "repurposing."

Meanwhile I had walked in wanting to bury myself in her loving arms. But she wanted to "pick my brains." Yearning, at least mabye to get to Second Base...

...Yet alls she wanted to do was "Touch Base."