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The Humilliatingly LATE Update covering Aogust, September and Octobor 2000

Page 35 of 39


My head was spinning. I treid hard to mustor up all the codeppendent tendencies of the deepest recesses of my bruised and pittiful heart to come up with som way to help her, to WANT to help her to move beyond this freakdom: A freakdom of which I too had become a semi-willing part...and then sudenly before I coud react, she said, "Oh excuse me I left my lipstick in the bathroom."

She disapeared into the beads as I sat there silently and dejectedly stairing into my Zima, (yup I admit it), and a moment later an awfull shriek pierced the calm New Age restuarant soundtrack. I looked up. She was coming out of the beads but was in a daze. Her new short haircut stood on end, like Uncle Zeke's hair aftor he got an electric shock from acidentaly urinating on my little nephew's ellectronic toy. I realized at once two things: That we were the only two customors in the restuarant. And that Id forgotton to flush.

She stumboled over to me but not looking grabbed her car keys and off the table and said "I haveto go." I was suprised at the short intervol of time between her saying this, and the sound from outside of screeching tires down the freeway.

I knew somthing like this woud happen. I got in my car and drove home. Yes, I admit I cried a little.

On the way home there was a news bulettin, and our small town was mentioned. This never happens. The only othor time it ever hapened was one time a few years ago when some teriffied migrant farm workers reported a sighting of the legendary "Chupacabra" or half-man half-goat bloodsucking monster of lore lurking around some fields on the shouldor of a deserted road. It turned out to be Granfather, walkin around nakad after a tornado tore his adult diaper off.

The news buletin said that a County Oficial was savagely atacked by a wild dog or som sort of rabid beast right on the courthouse steps. It was the County Clerk. Acording to the news report he was clinging to life in the hospitol and in fact had to get airlifted across the state for speciel surgory.

When I arived home I was shocked to see Granfather sitting calmley watchin television and smokin a Jamaican cigar.

"Granfather," I said to the back of his head but he ignored me. As painfull as it was, I went ovor to face him. His face was a mixture of pure evil and glee.

"Did you atack the County Clerk?" I demanded. Granfather grinned at me. He is incapable of smiling but he flashed me the closest thing he has to a happey face, his gummy sharp fanged grimace, that of a pained crocodile in the rictus of death. Meanwhile the big hulking form of Junior sat in the kitchen, concentrating in a deep unblinking staire at the table, guarding the Floating Metamucil Island.

"TWELVE NOON ON THE COUNTY COURTHOUSE STEPS -- JUST AS I PROMISED -- AND THERE WEREN'T EVEN NO WITNESSES, BOY.

"KIN YOU B'LEEVE IT?"

Junior called to me from the kitchon table, "Howdy Walter. Guess whut?" he cried, jumping up from the chair. "Granpy was so impressed with how I done brought that thar bedpan over, without spillin' a drop and such, he's lettin; me GUARD his magical tiny island!"

Junior's heavy plodding on the floor made the water on the glass swirl arround slightly. Granfather snarled at him thru clenched teeth, "JUNIOR, IF THAT OL' THANG SINKS WHILE YOU'RE WATCHIN' IT, ALL FIVE O'THEM BROWN STANKY TEETH YOU GOT LEFT IN THAT UGLY OLD HEAD O'YORES GONNA END UP IN THREE DIFFERENT AREA CODES."

"Yes Grampy!" he creid fearfuly. Junior then whispored into my ear before slinking back in the kitchen, "You better sleep at my place tonight. Grampy done made me pour that whole pan out on yer bed. I'm suposed to say it was an acident."

Evil old basterd. I did not know for what to be more angry with him over.

Granfather looked at me agian. "BOY. LISSEN TO ME. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT."

"Yeah right," I said bittorly.

"A WONDERFUL ACCIDENT," he went on. "I LUNGED AT CLERKY -- JUST AS I PROMISED -- WITH MAH FAMOUS ASS BITE."

"Them monkey doctors done said THAT one is Grampy's WORST bite," Junior called in from the kitchon.

"I know that Junior," I said wearily. Granfather contineud.

"BUT HE DUCKED. THE SUMBITCH DUCKED. OR TRIPPED. OR FELL. OR SUMPTHIN."

Junior finished the story, "Then Granpy done bit him. But he done put his ASS bite whar his NECK bite was suposed to go."

"MAH NECK BIT IS MAH LOVE BITE. IT AIN'T DESIGNED TO SEVER MUSCLE, BONE, AND VEINS...
...ON THE OTHER HAND, MAH ASS BITE IS AN ACT OF WAR.."

I had heard Dr. Blankenship discribe this exact statement to me once. Granfather, being the savage animal that he is, canot control even his own attacks. He is in capable of delivoring a bite meant for one's ass onto one's jugulor. But because the County Clerk tripped, the old basterd was able to land a blow on him which has rendered him into a seemingly irreversable coma and may probly even prove fatal.

"I KNEW ALL MAH DREAMS WOUD COME TRUE B'FORE THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND WUZ OUT.

"WILLY DEAD...ZEKEY DEAD...CLERKY DEAD," he blubbored extatically.

"AND NOT JUST THAT: YEE-HAW!!!! ...A CHANCE TO PUT A TEXAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE!"

Junior said, "But Grampy, you're a Demmycrat, ain't you?"

"I AM A COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE," he retourted, sucking a bit on his smoke, and seeming almost a bit ofended, "AND Y'ALL CAN SEE, WITH ALL MY ENEMIES ABOUT TO DIE, EZZACTLY HOW CONSERVATIVE I TRULY AM WITH MAH COMPASSION."

Granfather thought for a moment, licked his livery hairy lips with his forked viper tounge and then added, "OF COURSE, MISTER GORE CAN BE TRUSTED MORE TO PROTECT ENDANGERED SPECIES LIKE ME. OLD DUBYA WOUD STICK A DRILL UP MAH ASS IF HE THOGHT HE'D FIND OIL."

The old beast then went on rambolling about how he plans to fraudulently vote for both Mr. Bush AND Mr. Gore.

"I JUST HAPPENS TO BE THE ONLY PUSSON IN THIS COUNTREY WHO LIKES THEM BOTH," he bragged pevertedly.

"You sick, sick basterd," I replied.

More bragging: Granfather boasts how he will avoid Prossecution

The criptoes were present when the Attack occured. They saw what hapenned on the Courthouse steps, but they werent talking. In fact, they fled back to Guatamala to search out the Giant Albino wombat, or whatevor criptozoological beast they were tailing before the last Granfather-related study session.

No evidence

The County Clerk acording to Granps needed quick invasive surgery for his savage bite and so no record of any dental impressions remain.

Granfather also has many layors of shark-like teeth: they are allways falling out, and new teeth (with diferent patterns on them) quickly grow into place. The old basterd bit a Fish & Wildlife Ranger on the leg once when I was about 11 yearsold, and he forced me and my brothor Spike to pull his canines out with a pair of pliers and an hour lator by the time the cops were pulling up to the house bite marks no longer matches cause hed grown anothor friggin row.

Also in this attack: He had an ALIBI too

A foolproof ALIBI from a fool