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I don't mind writing it. What I object to is living it.

The Humilliatingly LATE Update covering Aogust, September and Octobor 2000

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Uncle Will swung it at Granfather's neck, but the old basterd moved his head aside. The razor cut thru in one swipe a layer of orange clay, a crust of white makeup, and landed harmlessly deep in the bloodless, nerve-less coconut husklike bony skull plate of the old basterd's head. The razor clattored onto the floor. Willy kicked, and tipped Granfather over to a small table.

Sudenly Willy and Zeke had a new weappon in there hands: The three hole punchor. They raised it aloft, and in doing so, a protective plate of black matte metal flew off it to reveal three steel rounded stumps, each with the sharp egdes necessary to punch three standordized holes into a small stack of eight-and-a-half-by-elevon-inch paper.

The hole cutting prongs fell hard on Granfather. The uppermost prong hit the soft disgousting fleshy epidermis of his earlobe. It popped out a perfect hole. Granfather never wore an earring, but I suppose he coud now.

The lowermost prong hit the scaly leathory hide of his shoulder. That area of Granps is covored with thick hard rhinosserous like boils. It made a severe deep round indentattion, but did not break the skin.

The middle metal prong--yes, the one in the centor of the three hole puncher, hapened to hit the grisly old spectre right on the neck. A big wound appeared, and greenish colored insectlike blood oozed out. At that moment Zeke jabbed the end of the hose he was holding directly into that wound, and pressed a foot pedol that was on the floor by the bier.

Granfather froze. He had a peacefull look on his face. His brothers had just injected him with a mixture of fromaldehyde preservative and enbalming fluid Concentrate, enballming the old basterd alive. It coursed thru his body, and like a cheap fiberglass reprodduction of an authentic wooden cigar store Indian flopped prone on the cold hard floor. The next words I heard was when the Coroner said, (not as somberly as usual, and dammit, supressing a smile, I thoght), I PRONOUNCE THIS...THIS...'SPECIMIN' I SUPPOSE IS THE BEST WORD, DEAD."

The End of This Update

As prommised somone was declared dead. Keep reading for more informmation.


Ill bet you didnt think that GRANFATHER woud be the one declared dead. I canot promise you he wont be in any more updates, thuogh. The old basterd has a way of surviving. He may yet come back to life to bite somone else in the ass....and it might be you. (Hell. It might be ME). But right now as of this writing THE OLD BASTERD IS DEAD. I have the Death Certifficate from the State of Texas as well as a special document from Office Of Animal Control

Also Granfather is not the only one that things turned out bad for in this update. Here is a rundown of what else hapenned to the various people:

One last point, we are not finished yet, folks:

Ill bet you are wondorring why Uncle Zeke was charged with Capitol Murder and Uncle William only with Assault. Well I will tell you. A whole mess of lawyers piled into our tiny county aftor the death of Granfather was announced. Their mission? To free Zeke and Willy, who, after all, were only acting upon the public's will and intent. After many weeks, they examinned and re-exammined and yet agian re-examinned (a third time!) the marks on the basterd's corpse.

And they came to this conclusion:

At the moment of assault, Uncle Will was holding the hole punchor at either end. Uncle Will, therefore was responsible for the First and the Third punched holes. The top hole as you know went all the way through, but it coud be argued that his intent was not to harm him, but instead merely to peirce the old basterd's ear. The lowermost hole hit the hard leathery skin -- it did not even BREAK the skin, and so, no intent of anything beyond simple Assault can be determined.

Uncle Zeke, on the othor hand--how did the lawyors put this?--was gripping the center of the three hole punchor at the moment it jabbed the basterd. His intent was on the Second hole puncher prong. This particulor puncher did not make a perfect hole, (like the First hole), or just an "indent" (like on the Third hole), as on this Second center one a peice of flesh remained sort of half-attached, and created a "swinging door" chad of skin on Granfather which, (if the will of Zeke's intent is to be objectively dettermined), was intent to pop the whole friggin thing off as to enbalm the old basterd alive.

See you in the next Update--hopfully before the end of the year -- -- and for some of you, with the hopefull thoght that Granfather is not REALLY dead -- even though he was declared so...

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