I don't mind writing it. What I object to is living it.
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Sudenly Willy and Zeke had a new weappon in there hands: The three hole punchor. They raised it aloft, and in doing so, a protective plate of black matte metal flew off it to reveal three steel rounded stumps, each with the sharp egdes necessary to punch three standordized holes into a small stack of eight-and-a-half-by-elevon-inch paper.
The hole cutting prongs fell hard on Granfather. The uppermost prong hit the soft disgousting fleshy epidermis of his earlobe. It popped out a perfect hole. Granfather never wore an earring, but I suppose he coud now.
The lowermost prong hit the scaly leathory hide of his shoulder. That area of Granps is covored with thick hard rhinosserous like boils. It made a severe deep round indentattion, but did not break the skin.
The middle metal prong--yes, the one in the centor of the three hole puncher, hapened to hit the grisly old spectre right on the neck. A big wound appeared, and greenish colored insectlike blood oozed out. At that moment Zeke jabbed the end of the hose he was holding directly into that wound, and pressed a foot pedol that was on the floor by the bier.
Granfather froze. He had a peacefull look on his face. His brothers had just injected him with a mixture of fromaldehyde preservative and enbalming fluid Concentrate, enballming the old basterd alive. It coursed thru his body, and like a cheap fiberglass reprodduction of an authentic wooden cigar store Indian flopped prone on the cold hard floor. The next words I heard was when the Coroner said, (not as somberly as usual, and dammit, supressing a smile, I thoght), I PRONOUNCE THIS...THIS...'SPECIMIN' I SUPPOSE IS THE BEST WORD, DEAD."
EppilogIll bet you didnt think that GRANFATHER woud be the one declared dead. I canot promise you he wont be in any more updates, thuogh. The old basterd has a way of surviving. He may yet come back to life to bite somone else in the ass....and it might be you. (Hell. It might be ME). But right now as of this writing THE OLD BASTERD IS DEAD. I have the Death Certifficate from the State of Texas as well as a special document from Office Of Animal Control
Also Granfather is not the only one that things turned out bad for in this update. Here is a rundown of what else hapenned to the various people:
- UNCLE ZEKE suffored a relapse and is back in the hospitol. His crushed bones were very strained by his tussol with the old basterd. When he gets out, he will be tried for Capitol Murder in the death of Granfather, (who, like I said, might not even be dead), for his part in masterminding the elabborate scheme by which him and Uncle Will plotted to enbalm the basterd alive. (So far his lawyor is trying to build a case which insists that he is too dumb to mastermind so much as the TV remote).
- UNCLE WILLIAM on the othor hand is looking better than I remembor him in years. It seems that all along one of his big medical problems was a defficiency of minerals. These nutritious minerols are found in Mortician's clay, and when it was slathored over his body, he absorbed them. He too faces a criminal charge as well, but only for Assault. His small wrinkled ass is in jail right now.
- CATHYANN survived her ordeal but will be in the hospitol till the end of Novembor. I was thrilled to find out that I was not the, "witness who is posibly also a suspect" in her being locked in the freezer. It seems that when I left, her big fat toungue flopped out of her mouth, slapped onto the floor, and prevented the door from closing. Her boyfreind, DuWayne hapened to sneak in the Cyberblop building (now that he is out of work as you know) for a little secret session of, (Oh how disgousting), Afternoon Delite.
He is the one, (not me) who left her locked in there. Later, when she was on the way to the hospitil in the ambulence, he is the one who revived her. That is what she told me on the phone just last week:
"Thar I wuz, Walt, all frozen like an ice pop.... 'Course, DooWayne's usually the one who's an icepop when we're makin' out BWAHAHAHA!
"Annyways, he perked up enough to give me mouth-to-mouth. He said whut with all the frozen sweat and citrusy Zima all spilt on me, I wuz just like his cute little ol' salty sweet lemony lime margarita. Aint that romantic? BWAHAHAHA!"
- THE COUNTY CLERK barely survived the savage bite to his neck. This is despite the fact that the medical airlift that was transporting him had to make an emergencey landing. He needed 200 stiches and 6 quarts of blood and sevoral fake, taken-off-the market sillicon breast inplants to build up the missing parts of his neck where Granfather bit it.
- DR. MADISON was pleased that he got to pefform emergency life-saving surgery ON A HUMAN for the first time in his life, as the medicol airlift carrying the County Clerk landed in a desolate area far from any road, and just a mile where he hapened to be conducting field research on the Mysterious mythicol Chupacabra. Asisting in surgery were DR. RIPKE and the film crew of Esta Milagro!
- DR. BLANKENSHIP gallantly and gennerously donated the fake, taken-off-the market sillicon inplants directly from the Granfather-inflicted bite on his ass to save the County Clerk's life.
- STU made some money, eight hundred grand to be exact. Do you remembor when Stu was sort of encurraging me to stay as at Cyberblop as a Rent-A-Temp-Gal(tm)? Well, Stu knew somthing I did not. Two weeks ago Stu took me out for a beer and told me what it was.
"Walt, when me and the Rent-A-Temp-Gal(tm) Marketing veep went golfing, he shared a little secret with me; they were about to get bought out. As a new employee, you woud have qualified for 30,000 shares. Hell, I only got half that."
I was so pissed abuot it, and hollered at Stu for not telling me for Godsake.
"I coudnt tell you," said Stu, sincearley. "That woud have been insider trading. I woud have gone to jail." Stu bit his lip. "I...I wouldnt have survived. With my luck, I'd have been sharing a cell with some sadistic hillbilly, like the guy in Deliverance who tells Ned Beatty, 'Grunt lahk a pig!'"
- TILDE helped solve the case of who atacked the County Clerk. As there were no witnesses, and, since Granfather had an alibi, she nontheless nosed around the County Green and nearby Courthouse steps and found some eviddence. (More on Tilde in a moment.)
- DUWAYNE was charged with Atempted Murder of the County Clerk, as his badge pass to get into the TechnoMeriDigiCom(R) building (but only to shampoo the carpats) was found at the crime scene where Granfather bit the poor clerk on the neck. Tilde also located at the crime scene some clothing fibors from a stolen TechnoMeriDigiCom(R) shirt, (yes, Granfather atacked While Wearing the Tunic(TM)), and for that mattor, while wearing DuWayne's ID badge as well. (Cathyann had left the shirt and badge at our house; Granfather put them on while he atacked the county Clerk in order to embarass me at my new job; the charges agianst DuWayne were lator dropped.)
- SPIKE my brother, was also charged with atempted murder, but in a diferent case. Spike tried to run Tilde over with her own car. This is because Tilde, with her big mouth, visited the County Clerk in the hospitol, and soon aftor he came out of his coma she blabbed to the Couty Clerk, ("Only trying to HELP" of course,) that thanks to her poking around she had made an important discovory: that the attackor was surely an employee of TechnoMeriDigiCom(R).
Next, Tilde convinced the County Clerk that TechnoMeriDigiCom(R) was a nice generrous company that might pay for some of his medicol bills--and that perhaps, if she threatenned a lawsuit agianst them, they woud pay him some money out of court...Oh! and by the way: Walter Miller just got a job there! Isnt that wonderful?
Instead, the County Clerk, (still "emotionally projecting"), projected his hate of Granfather onto TechnoMeriDigiCom(R) and imediatly sued them for hundreds of milions of dollors--because one of their "unspecified employees" suposedly atacked him. The lawsuit hit the day aftor they finaly went public, and was a huge black eye for the company. My brothor lost all that stock money he just made from the company he left, by investing it all on the failed IPO of TechnoMeriDigiCom(R).
Tilde was unhurt in my brothor's attack. As he sits in jail awaiting trial, he has become Tilde's "latest rehabillitation project and object of care and concern."
- THE CORONOR retired. He had only a year to go beffore hed get a better pension, but decided in his elation that he would never do better than this, and so he left. When the local access cable TV crew showed up in town, somone hollered at him as he walked to his car, after filing the papers in the Courthouse, "You just declared Grampy dead. What now?", and he turned to the cammera with a huge smile and said, "I'm goin to Disney World!"
- THE GUY DRESSED LIKE A GIRL WHO STU WAS MAKIN OUT WITH back there in L.A. turned out to be a corporrate lawyer spy from a rival dot-com who had purpocely set out to get company secrets from Cyberblop. He was more grossed out than Stu about what had hapened, but did learn enough insider information to cash in on the Rent-A-Temp-Gal(tm) IPO, (Stu had released it in a moment of porcine passion), and this same lawyor also later represented TechnoMeriDigiCom(R) in their dissastrously expensive lawsuit with the County Clerk.
The County Clerk lost the lawsuit, howevor this crossdressing lawyor, (who is sexauly attracted to neither man, woman or pig, but being lower in morals than even an Internet Marketer will stoop to anything beyond what Stu ever woud), was the only winner in the lawsuit. He made a crapload of money, and invested a chunk of it into Cyberblop where he is now on site as Corporate Counsel. (He and Stu pass each othor in the hall every day where wordlessly, they sheepishly acknowledge one another with a polite nod).
- GRANFATHER -- Allways the object of controvercey, even in death. He has both State and Fedoral agencies demanding possesion of his remains, while the EPA and Centors for Disease Control are maintaining that the lifeless carcass of the old basterd shoud be incinerrated--though each demands that the other pefform the dirty deed.
In the meantime the grizly monster is hidden in one of our sheds out back. Madison, Ripke and Blankenship are adminnistering taxidermy on him. High pressoure space age resins were pumped into him, and he is now hard as a rock. Soon the old basterd will be sold for display in any one of varrious macabre museums of reppulsive curiosity.
But Madison and Blankenship are fighting with each other as well: Madison believes that Granfather shoud be "frozen" in the moment of death: cowering, supprized, and defensive. Blankenship, howevor, believed that Granps shoud be frozen in his familiar carniverrous attack stance: reared up on back legs, mouth wide open, fangs bared, and hands abbove his head with claws unsheathed and splayed. (So far, Blankenship's ready-to-pounce pose is bearing out; he is spending many hours lovingly airbrushing tones of green and orange acrylic paint onto his lifeless corpse; strangely, both doctors want to keep him dressed in his Boy George get-up.
"'Tis a one of a kind beast in the history of animal life," Blankenship marvells all day long, "Nature's only example of a carniverrous, fur-haired, true placental reptile."
No matter on what stance they end up deciding to pose him, once it is all done, the mummoffied beast will be dipped in liqoud nitrogen, and power-sawed in half vertically and ensconced in lucite for gennerations to come to study his disgousting and biologically unique remains.
- ME -- With the posible exception of Granfather, Walter came out the worst as usuol. If I woud of stayed on just 72 hours till the end of the week, I woud of been granted all that free Rent-A-Temp-Gal(tm) stock. (I am so pissed: Barry got converted to a Temp too, and he cashed in big time).
Insted, staying on at TechnoMeriDigiCom(R) was a huge misteak: The County Clerk's lawsuit against them made them a worthless company. SO worthless in fact, that Cyberblop, (now with the infusion of fresh cash from that lawyer who Stu snout-jousted in the Airport Marriott) bought them out for just pennies on the dollor.
The few TechnoMeriDigiCom(R) enployees who survived were absourbed in at a cut in pay.
YES THAT IS RIGHT: CYBERBLOP BOUGHT TECHNODIGIMERICOM. SO THAT MEANS, I AM NOW BACK AT CYBERBLOP -- AND FOR LESS MONEY TOO DANMMIT.
- Oh wait a minute, I allmost forgot JUNIOR -- alls I can say is this: If Granfather evor pulls out of this death thing, Junior's ass is grass. It seems that the Guiness World Record people indeed were very close to allowing A NEW OFICIALLY SACTIONED CATEGORY for Granfather's Metamucil-Island Floatting-Free-Standing-In-Water...
Exept for one complication: It had to be floating in WATER. This island was NOT.
It seems that Junior was, as official Guardian of the Magical Island, over the weeks slowly sneaking the water out with a cofee straw (he liked the taste), and was incrimentally replacing it with what became 100 percent of the very contraband and non-World-record worthey ZIMA.
At the moment of assault, Uncle Will was holding the hole punchor at either end. Uncle Will, therefore was responsible for the First and the Third punched holes. The top hole as you know went all the way through, but it coud be argued that his intent was not to harm him, but instead merely to peirce the old basterd's ear. The lowermost hole hit the hard leathery skin -- it did not even BREAK the skin, and so, no intent of anything beyond simple Assault can be determined.
Uncle Zeke, on the othor hand--how did the lawyors put this?--was gripping the center of the three hole punchor at the moment it jabbed the basterd. His intent was on the Second hole puncher prong. This particulor puncher did not make a perfect hole, (like the First hole), or just an "indent" (like on the Third hole), as on this Second center one a peice of flesh remained sort of half-attached, and created a "swinging door" chad of skin on Granfather which, (if the will of Zeke's intent is to be objectively dettermined), was intent to pop the whole friggin thing off as to enbalm the old basterd alive.
See you in the next Update--hopfully before the end of the year -- -- and for some of you, with the hopefull thoght that Granfather is not REALLY dead -- even though he was declared so...