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The Humilliatingly LATE Update covering Aogust, September and Octobor 2000

Page 4 of 39


No good deed goes unpunished

So i show up early at Cyberblop specificaly to get a jump on my assigned work, and if you work for an internet startup like I do, here is some advice: dont ever do this. Because, when you are the first person to show up early in the morning after a holliday weekend the only kind of work you can count on gettin done is to clean up whatever mess hapenned over the weekend.

So there I am at 7:45 AM sittin at my cubicol when I see this angry guy stomping all over the place up and down the aisles. It is a new guy, who is known behind his back as The Donkey.

He is screamin, "Who knows HTML? I need somone who knows HTML, dannmit."

He is this evil new account guy they just hired. And yes he looks like a Donkey. (Not as much as say, Stu looks like a pig, but, well imagine if Arsenio Hall and inspirrational speaker Tony Robbins had a love child togethor; it woud be The Donkey.

I hate acount guys.

The acount people are responsible for bringin new business in. But little Ooompah Loompas like ME are responsible for doing the danm work. If the acount people bring in enough business to meet their milestones they win a trip to Cancun at the end of the quartor. Meanwhile people like me bareley are holding onto our jobs while the acount people are always screamin and hollorin at me to get the work done so they can get their danm bonuses. Its not fair.

So anyway I treid to hide but The Donkey found me anyway. He was all upset because the website for one of his clients, (that Cyberblop built), was crashing. The guy who built it was Barry, this fat lazy slob who sits next to me, but who wasnt in work yet.

I told the Donkey, "I have nothing to do with that cleint--I came in early to get my own work done," but even still I had to drop everything and fix it.

I was so pissed too, cause the website was a mess and needed allot of work.. While I was fixing it who comes into my cube but Mr. Bouvard, the president of the company. Aparantly he came it at 7:00, saw the website was busted, and then got on the Donkey's ass. And since I am the only one who was in I HAD TO FIX IT.

"This one here has a bad attitude," he snorted to Bouvard, as both hovored over me as I typed code as fast as I coud. He told Mr. Bouvard that I did not want to fix the website. Meanwhile I had a deadline of my own to meet by 9AM that I was now goingto miss.

The Rent-A-Temp-Gal(tm) Acount

That is not the real name of the client whose crashing website I was fixing, but it is pretty close. It is a prety demeaning name for a company that provides temporary office help. It used to be just secrateries which were mostly women but now they hire men too.

"Cyberblop has no place for people with your bad atitide, young man," Mr. Bouvard gruffed at me.

I had to piss so bad I cant tell you but I didnt dare get up. All the while I was fixing the danm website, Mr. Bouvard kept saying things like, "I dont like the way that phrase is worded," and he also criticized the look and feel of the website. He even had me pull the freakin logo into MS Paintbrush and "jazz it up." Even thuogh Rent-A-Temp-Gal(tm) is not my cleint I am prettysure you are not aloud to change someone's logo.

At a quartor of nine Peaches came in. This is the pain in the ass freshly scrubbed guy who looks like a Pez dispensor. He is the biggest ass kissor in the company. He walks right into my cube and and starts hollerin at me, right infront of Bouvard and the Donkey. Peaches loves to holler at people if your boss is nearby and if the president of the compeny hapenes to be there in your cube with you, then he will make an extra point of talking extra loud.

"You have a deadline at 9 for me. How's it looking?" Peaches asked in this exagerratedly loud, mocking tone. He is one of those people who hollers back right over your words while you are trying to answor him. I treid to tell him that I was going to miss our deadline becuase I was workin on this danm Rent-A-Temp-Gal(tm) project.

"A missed deadline?," Bouvard harrumphed, " I see a pattern of under acheivement here!" Next thing you know Bouvard takes my chair (my chair!) while I kneeled at the keyboard to do my danm work. He is one of these old guys who still wears a three peice suit. His was way too small for him. He was half leaning ovor me. An overpoworing minty smelly stink of menthol butt linament was right in my face. Granfather uses the same brand. It makes my eyes burn. Bouvard also has this old middle-aged-man heavy fragrent smell that says, 'I did not bathe today but slathoring myself with cologne will do the trick' that somtimes you get with people who are cheap with the drycleaning and try to get 4 or 5 wearings out of there suit trousors between cleannings. Can sombody tell these people washing your ass is the answor. Perfuming it is just not enuogh.

Bouvard kept leaning over me and grunting and sniffing and saying more stupid things. Next, he actualy wanted me to change the revolving Microsoft IE browsor icon. The freakin idiot didnt know his ass from the internet.

"We can't do that, sir," I said. I had to explane to him that the IE icon was a lower case "e" and not the "c" logo for Cyberblop.

"The phrase, can't do is not aceptable in this workplace," Bouvard grumbled with grave disaprovol.

Well the website was an extreme mess and finaly at 10 minutes after 10 Barry, the guy who made the mess arrives. He quickly pokes his head in my cube and then disapears.

"That is the guy who built this website!" I said, pointing at Barry. But Mr. Bouvard and the Donkeydid not like me saying so.

"YOU are the one we have asked to fix it!" Mr. Bouvard said very sternly. I was so danm pissed. At 10:30 we had an all hands staff meeting (that Mr. Bouvard had to be at too) and so I was allowed to stop. But the Rent-A-Temp-Gal(tm) website was still not fixed. "The little Ooompah Loompah can fix it after the staff meeting," I heard Peaches whisper to Bouvard.

As soon as Peaches, Bouvard and the Donkey left my cubicol I stomped off to Barry's cube.

Barry is one of these big moonfaced guys whose face is always moist and his moulth is always open cause he breathes out of it and also he spits allot when he talks. Also he is mean and lazy.

"Sorry Walter. The monkey's on your back," he wheezed. I complained to him and he just ignored me. Then he turned his back to me. He was wearin one of those knit shirts that were way to small and his belly hung out the sides like shrinkwrapped fatback.

I stourmed out of Barry's cube and was on my way to the auditorium for the all hands staff meeting when I saw Peaches heading for me. His face was all red.

"Did you fix your mess?" he snarled.

Its NOT my mess!" I said.

I went to see Tilde who is my boss.

Tilde as you know is a compullsive codependent. I dont realy like to escalate things to her. She is a huge pain in the ass who always injects herself into my life. Also she has poor jugdement and compulsive behavior. For exampel, if I tell her I missed a deadline on my project to work on Barry's prodject and now BOTH of them are effed up she is likely to create a huge Powerpoint presentation with lots of colorfull backrounds and flowery fonts and spam it to the whole company as an atachment.

Tilde, howevor, was instead distracted. It was very unlike her. She looked up at me. "Oh dear, that's a shame."

She was intently stairing at her computer, furtively reading, lips silently moving and tapping nervuously at the keys.

"Tilde, what are you doing?" I said and she practicaly snapped at me, "Busy! Very busy!" All of a sudden she busted into tears.

"Oh Walterrrr!" she wailed at me in her twangy Chicago acent, (because that is where she is from), Am I psychic?"

I said No. I did not think so.

"Well," she sighed, "Am I...annoying? Be honest now"

I am a huge liar

I said "No" agian. And then she said that she can sort of "sence" that people are anoyed by her. I told her no and then I told her how valuable she was to the compeny. And then when I thoght she was all buttored up I asked her for a day off.

Why I needed a Day Off