The world fammous

Walter Miller's Homepage(TM)

Less might be more, but this thing is too much.

The Humilliatingly LATE Update covering Aogust, September and Octobor 2000

Page 5 of 39


I took the next day off. I had to attend a special arbitration meeting in our town. It was just as inportant as a court hearing. The artibration meeting was set to resolve yet the latest dispute betwean Granfather and his sworned and most-hated enemy, the County Clerk. That morning Granfather was in a cruel awfull mood. He actualy smacked me because when I went to serve him his Metamucil in the morning there wasnt enuough in the jar. He screamed at me,"YOU DUMBASS! THAR'S ONLY A HALF-TABLEPOON IN MAH GLASS, INSTEAD OF A HEAPING TABLESPOON."

I said, "So, big deal, Ill go in the pantry and get anothor jar!" But Granfather howled at me, "IT AIN'T FROM THE SAME BATCH! MAH METAMUCILS DONE GOT TO BE FROM THE SAME BATCH, ELSE I WON'T BE ABLE TO GO!

And with that the old basterd swung his boney hand in a sweeping motion and whipped the glass up into the air. It shattored against the wall and spilt water and wet Metamucil powder and broken glass everywhere. It was a danm mess. I started cryin. I hate violence especialy in my home. Granfather was very pissed because he was not looking foward to this arbittration session with the County Clerk. It was once case he was sure to lose.

He is a mean, crule, abusive old basterd

While I cleaned it up I cried softly to myself sort of whimpering a litle bit and I know how much Granfather hates when I do it but I canot help it but even still I cleaned up the mess the Granfather growled at me in a slow tone, "LISSEN UP, BOY. I GOT MORE BRAINS IN MAH ASS THEN YOU DO IN YER WHOLE HEAD."

The old basterd contineud, pointing to his lower abdomen. "THESE HERE INNER VITTLES KNOW IF MAH METAMUCILS AIN'T FROM THE SAME BATCH."

I replied, half scared to death but still defiantly thruogh my tears, "Any old batch from any old jar will do! Youre full of crap, Granfather! Youre just sayin that cause your mean!"

The beastly geezer seemed suprised for a second but then shot back, spittin drooly tobacco juice at me as he screamed as the cigarete dangolling at the edge of his brown lips, stuck there by a film of drippy mouth-muck danced menacingly, "YER GOLLDANG DANM RIGHT I'M FULLA CRAP, AND THAT'S WHY I NEEDS MAH METAMUCILS!

"NOW GIT YO UGLY, SKINNY SORRY PITIFUL PIMPLY ASS INTO THET THAR PANTRY AND GIT ME MAH METAMUCILS! BEFORE YOU DONE END UP MORE DEADER THAN KATHLEEN WILLEY'S CAT!"

I began to tell the old basterd that 'Metamucils' is not a plural, but i descided not to push it. I poured anothor big glass of water from the tap and it took forevor to fill it cause the well is weak due to especially low groundwater this year and I sat the glass before him then ran fast to the pantry in the back of the trailer to get the danm powder for him and just when I thoght my problems were over Granfather screamed, "SUGAR FREE? WHUT THE HELL IS THIS?"

It never ends

Life is one big torture chambor with this guy. I quickly treid to open the containor as fast as I coud to serve it to him. While I fumboled with the foil freshness membrane on top Granfather smacked me agian and pushed me aside and said "I'LL DO IT,"and pulled from his shirt pocket that 1968 Hemisfair Souveneir Spoon from where he carries it all the time and if your a regular reader of my website you know that Granfather ofton hits me with it. He quickly drew a scoop from the jar and tossed it in.

"EVERY TIME I DEPEND ON YOU THAR'S DRY CLUMPS EVERYWHAR IN THE GLASS," Granfather growled. "YOU CAIN'T STIR IT UP RIGHT, EITHER CAUSE YER WEAK OR YER STUPID.

"NOW, STAND BACK, AND WATCH HOW A MAN MIXES IT, FAIRY BOY."

Granfather poised his burled warty hand gripping the spoon just ovor the glass. Just then the phone rang and he imediatly stopped what he was doing and sprang up to grab it.

A disservice to his country

The old basterd is expectin a call from the Vetorans Administration. It seems he just found out he is elligible for an extra pension becuase of some special "secret classified service" he did back in the '50s. I had to promise the old basterd I woudnt mention what it was, and am not 100% sure myself. I will say howevor that the old basterd did spend much of that time in Area 51, Nevada. My guess is allot of it bobbling around in a large jar on a shelf next to a couple of pickled aliens.

Oh boy!!

Well in any case the phone call was for ME. You will never geuss who it was: Yes my former counselor. Yes the one I am in love with. I coud not believe it. I was so excited I nearly crapped in my pants. This is why: She said to me, "Hi this is Ni-Ni." Well in case you dont know 'Ni-Ni' is not her real first name but a dimunitive. Only her family and close freinds call her that. I used to call her 'Ni-Ni' and she woud get extremly pissed at me. This was because I was in love with her. I dont know if it was because she resented me calling her 'Ni-Ni' or else it was due to the generolly predictive principle in my life whereby all people I ever fall in love with get extremly pissed at me.

My knees started to shake and just when we agreed to meet for lunch one day in the middel of August the repulsively ugly face of Granfather interupted my living fantasy by popping up right in front of me and screamin, "ITS TWENTY-FIVE AFTER YOU DUMBASS! AH CAIN'T MISS MAH MEETING!"

Oh crap, Granfather's arbitration meeting with the County Clerk was scehuduoled for 8:30. And one of the things the old basterd agreed to was to be on time for the meeting or else he woud lose the case by default to the County Clerk's favor. The grisly monster grabed me by the shoulders and hustled me out the door.

It is six miles across empty rangeland to our tiny town which is also the County seat and we had 5 minnutes to get there. Thats where the courthouse is. I just barely had time to say goodbye to my beloved Counslor.

"WATCHIN' YOU ON THE PHONE WITH THAT GAL WAS JEST SICKENING," Granfather muttered as I drove as fast as I coud across our sprawling dustey property up to where it meets the state highway. I said to him, "Well Granfather I am in love."

"YOU PITIFUL SIMPERING WUSS. YOU NAMBY-PAMBY, TOUCHY-FEELY, PANSY-WANSY.

"YOU CUSHY, KOOTCHIE, SMOOCHIE, SCHMOOPIE, WEEPY WAILY WUSSY." Granfather kept muttoring at me AWFUL houmilliating names till I was in tears and said that if I caused him to be late and thereby lose his case by default he will personaly put five new cracks in my ass.

Meanwhile it is Granfather's fault we have this speciel lose-by-default clause in the artibration agreement. In past arbitration sesions, Granfather repeatedly abused the system with all sort of repeated (and deliberate) digestive relatted delays. In othor words he kept stinking up the room.

When we areived at the meeting the County Clerk was already there and so was the judge. The poor clerk tremboled all over at the sight of Granfather. Most people have that initial reaction based on his ghastly apearance and odor, but in the case of the County Clerk it is cause of his very familior, raw hatred of the old basterd. The arbitrator was one of these old fashoined retired judges with a cowboy hat and string tie. He insisted the two parties greet one anothor gracefully.

"Grampy," the clerk nodded uncomfortably as he took his seat.

"CLERKY," Granfather nodded in return with a grunt.

"I APOLOGIZE THET I'M STILL IN MAH PERJAMAS," Granfather pontificatted in an the exagerrated tone of a pompous Southern gentlemen, "BUT I WAS AWAITING A PHONE CALL FROM THE VETERANS BUREAU WHILST INSTEAD THE DUMBASS BOY HERE WHO'S JOB IT IS TO DRESS ME DONE TIED UP THE LINE WITH SOME OLE WENCH HE'S PINING FOR. AINT THAT RIGHT BWAH?"

The judge quickley interjected and thretenned to jail the old basterd in contempt if he did not stop talkin imediately.

What this arbitrattion meeting was about

The county Clerk was seeking unspeciefied punitive damages from Granfather due to certain slandorrous rumors that Granfather is spreading about him. It is this: Granfather is telling people that the County Clerk is his "significant other."

First off let me say that the two men are NOT involved in any romantic sence. Granfather insists howevor that he shoud be allowed to refer to the County Clerk as his "signifocant other" based on two reasons: One, the fact that no true deffinition of the phrase exists. And two, the County clerk is the person Granfather is most emotionally tied to. And for that mattor, Granfather is most emotionaly tied to him. Even if the emotion hapens to be pure hate.

"I IMPLORE THE JURY," Granfather contineud in his lofty tone, "TO CONSIDER YORES TRULY. I AM INCAPABLE OF LOVE. AM I NOT?"

Everyone was silent. The old basterd turned to me.

"I SAID, AM I NOT? ANSWER ME YOU LITTLE SUMBITCH 'FORE I SNAP YER NECK LIKE A TWIG!"

And so the hearing went. The county Clerk unfortunatly played his cards wrong and got very hot headed. Granps on the other hand gave cool answors and sat there silently. One of the things he does that is very anoying is just sit there for hours on end stairing without so much as blinking. Being part reptile has alowed the old basterd to do sit untwitchingly motionless, like a lizard under a heatbulb.

"Tell him to stop that!" The county clerk screamed at the arbitrator, who replied, "Tell him to stop WHAT? To stop not blinking?"

The clerk retorted, "He's being disruptive! He's disrupting your courtroom!"

Utterley, completley frozen and motionless

With an impatient sigh, the arbitrator finaly told Granfather, who by now stared stonily straight ahead like a large stuffed shiny and heavily laquered display alligator you might see hanging above the cash registor in the entrence area of a tacky Cajun restaurant, that, althuogh there is no state law regarding his lack of motion, doing so constituted "disruption." And therefore he ordered the old basterd to, "show some regular human posturing" before he holds his warty ass in contempt.

"At least blink, for Godsake!" the judge roared. Granfather has for each eye one of those semi-transparent third eyelids like you see on a snake, and one of these darted in from the side to quickly cover his left iris. It just as fast retreated back under the scaly crowfoot area by the eye's corner. Exasporated, the elderley judge yelled, "I move to postpone. Thirty days!" and he sprang up and bolted from the room shouting. The Judge knew that being "motionless" does not break the law. Granfather allways finds a loophole to annoy his fellow man.

As soon as he left the room and only then Granfather began to move anothor part of his body. It was his fists sort of slowly up and down while the County Clerk stared at him with nakad hatred. In Granps' fists were gripped either side of a large yellow legol pad and why he was moving in that way was to fluff up a silent-but-deadly into the county Clerk's face.

"AS FAR AS HATRED IS CONCERNED, CLERKY" the old basterd muttered to his shellshocked enemy while once more focusing his unblinking stare, "YOU ARE MAH SIGNIFICANT OTHER." Then he started singin very loud in his Barry White voice," YOU'RE MAH FIRST, YOU'RE MAH LAST. YOU'RE MAH EVERY-THANG."

On the way back to the house we went thru the center of town which is so small there is only one trafic light and it is a blinker. Making the right turn at the stopsign back onto the state route we saw exactley one car that whole morning. Granfather, who insists on being gratuittously cruel to all persone just cause he delights in being mean motioned to the othor motorist to roll down the window of his minivan and when he did Granfather screamed (for no reason at him, but in reference to the guy's bumper stickor), "HEY MISTER: YOUR CHILD MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT, BUT YOU'RE STILL A DUMBASS!"

Somthing Unusual happens at home