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Walter Miller's Homepage(TM)

Refocusing and repurposing the same old crap.

The Humilliatingly LATE Update covering Aogust, September and Octobor 2000

Page 9 of 39


It went without saying that Granfather woud soon be reaping the fruits, the musical fruits of all those soy nature snacks he ate before, hoping to annoy and gas out his brothor Zeke with.

He wailed, " I'M GONNA BLOW, BOY, I'M GONNA BLOW!"

"WHUT'S TO BECOME OF MAH MIRACLE -- MAH METAMUCIL MIRACLE!"

There is no power on earth like Granfather's farts. The old basterd has been known to disrupt the Space Time Continuum with his freakin gas. I once saw flames shoot out his butt. He has been known to cause small ceramic objects like teacups to expload in the vincinity of his flatulence.

Forget about calculating the life expectency of a nice, strong stoneware teacup, which atleast has a stress-absorbing design -- If there was a "miracle" to ever take place when mixing Granps and soybeans, it woud be the survival of a simple eighth-of-an-inch thick jelly glass full of wator anywhere within a hundred yards of his ass.

Like much of Granfather's sorry life, he has lived to regret the results of his insensitive selfish actions. He ate the soybeans to torture his brother and now he is sorrey he did so. And it serves the old basterd right.

"AND WHEN I DO BLOW, WHUT OF MAH WORLD RECORD?" he repeated, "I SAID, WHUT OF MAH WORLD RECORD, YOU PANSY? BWAHAHAHA!", he sobbed. Its funny, but Granfather's pannicked sob is similar to Cathyann's festive laugh.

"That is your problem Granfather."

"CALL THE CRIPTOS!" he yelled, "CALL THEM DUMBASS SUMBITCH CRIPTOZOOLOGISTS.

"THEY'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO. CALL THEM, BWAH, CALL THEM!"

Tilde and Cathyann were STILL there. "Wally, we're only here to help!" scolded Cathyann. "And my helping YOU helps ME," Tilde chimed in. I chased them both out.

As soon as everyone was gone and i was off the phone I saw leaning ovor from the cube next to me way, way back so the back of his flexible office chair was perpindiculor to the floor, the fleshy moist face of that lazy, mean cruel tub of humanity, Barry. Somhow he must of sneaked in while Tilde and Cathyann were nosing in on my phone conversations.

"Hellooo, Mister Wally-Pansy," he said in a trilling tone.

I said to him, "Leave me alone, Barry!" This jerk was listenning to all my convorsations.

"Wally...Pansy....Wally....Pansy. Wallypansywallypansywallypansy," he chattored. I screamed, "My name is not Wally: Leave me alone!"

I was never so pissed in my life. I do not scream allot and when i do my voice cracks. I must of looked and sounded like a jerk. I sure as hell felt like one.

Barry narowwed his eyes at me like a fat hairless cat. He pushed himself into my cube and started ripping open one of the big boxes that arrived the day before, and hissed, "Dont talk to me like that! Now go get the new server, while I set up this one!"

Barry was working on somthing

I heard him on his phone laughing and tittoring and whisporing with one of his other idiot freinds.

"What is so funny?" I called out.

"None of your danm business!" he yelled back. I got up and poked my head in his cube. For a lazy guy he moved fast. He leaned ovor real fast and treid to minimize his screen. But he coud not minnimize fast enough and so he turned off his monitor. Then he glowored at me in guilt. There is NOTHIN in life more self accussatory than shuttin your monitor off when someone comes lookin at it.

"You are probly in a chat room or surfing porn on the web," I said to him.

"Kiss my ass!" said Barry.

My phone rang one more time

This was anothor external call and I was sure it was Granfather and this time I picked it up and screammed "What the hell do you want!"

To my hummilliation it was by beloved NiNi -- my former counselor. She asked if she was bothoring me. I told her no, but I am having problems at my job.

I was crushed. I was hoping that by the time she took me serriously (which I hoped was by NOW for cryin out loud), I woud be past having problems at work. Yet somhow I think for as long as I stay in the internet busines I will have probloms at work.

I cant beleive I hollored at the woman I love

You know, when you treat people like annimals it is no wondor that you turn into an animal yourself. Granfather keeps tellin me that one day i will become like him. I know it is not true because he was an evil frightenning beast while still a youngster. But even still I tell you it scaires the hell out of me.

Why she was calling

It was simply to reschedule our time togethor. She wanted to meet me over lunch where we coud just sort of "catch up" on things. She sugested this restuarant Did your heart ever pound so hard you coud hear it? That is what hapened to me. I said OK In a voice I coud hardly hear myself.

When I look up agian the small beady eyes sunk deep into the jowly piggish face of Stu now stared at me thru a gap in the boxes piles up in my office.

"Ready?" he says to me.

"Ready for what?"

"All hands emergencey staff meeting. Didnt you get the note, first thing in the morning?"

I said, "Stu, this is my danm day off Im not going to no stupid meeting!"

Imediatly poking his face in anothor gap between the boxes just inches from Stu's snout was Peaches. "Its MY meeting you horse's ass!" he screammed. "You worthless, stupid waste of flesh!"

Mr. Bouvard was with him. He gently scolded Peaches for acting so arrogently.

"Now now, we've all been stressed lately, and...Ah, my wallet, there it is."

Bouvard bent down to grab his wallat, which must of fell out of his pants when he earlior used my chair. The swishy sound of polyestor whistled as Bouvard's tumescent belly scraiped across his trousers as he bent. Peaches hollered at me for not noticing the Boss's wallat. Then Bouvard turned to me. He growled, "I dont know your name, but you have a way of bringing out the very worst in my very best people!

I lowored my head and mumboled repentance.

I actaully get in trouble for having boxes in my office!!

"And why is this place such a mess?," the boss hollored. "Do you think its funny to have all these boxes in here?"

I was pissed when he said that. It is my JOB to have the danm boxes in my office. Even though I do not WANT them there. Even still I let Bouvard grumble and ride my ass for a couple of minutes while I acted sheepishley. With only about 100 employees, Cyberblop is small enuogh where the President of the company can holler at you, but big enough so that he dosent know exactly why. I just wanted them to finish up so I coud run to the restroom.

I have a terible medical problem

Actualy two medical probloms. I have teribble allergies and was taking medicine for them. Also my stomoch was killing me. I felt like I had a rock in there and I did not know why. I ran to the restroom, but only had time to look in the mirror before the Big Emergency Meeting started. My face had this awfull sickly yellow tindge to it.

Peaches was in there too

He was standing there pissing. yelled at me, "Dont be late for my Emergency meeting! You wourthless lump of cells! You useless consumor of water, food and oxygen!"

What the all hands emergencey meeting was about

Well its about time dammit. The meeting was all about Building Self Esteem in the Workplace. Well this is good cause I am always sufforing with a poor selfesteem.

The whole company filed into the auditorium. I took my regulor seat in the back row. Stu sat next to me as usual, as did Tilde and Cathyann, who, even thuogh she worked in the cafeteria, allways invited herself if it was an "all-hands" meeting.

"Looky here, its us four agian: Me, Walt, Stuey and Tilde. BWAHAHAHA!" Stu looked pissed cause he did not like to be called "Stuey."

Peaches indeed ran the meeting, along with a coupel of the queen bee mother hens from the Human Resuorces Department, and also the Consultents who prepaired the presentation.

"There is no need to feel bad about one's self," said Peaches, clicking on this very corny powerpoint presentation with cheezy pictures of 1980's era stock photo people.

"All of us are valuable," he said in this phony sanctimonouis voice. The presentattion was displayed on the giant 14 foot screen in the audotoruium, "Because we work for a great company like Cyberblop!!"

In the lowor right of the screen was the logo of Peaches' danm freind's consultant company who had put this presentation togethor. They charge ten grand a pop to put these stupid things togethor (I know that, because I have access to the Acounts Payable Server). It woudnt be so bad if alls they did was piss away the company's time and money two days a month. But the worst part is the danm company was allways out of money.

"Walt, we have a problem," Stu whispored to me. I took a look at him. Stu is gettin more danm pig like than evor. I dont know if its cause of all the time he spends being in Internet marketing or what. But lately he is freakin Arnold from Green Acres I sware to God.

"What kindof problem?" I whispored back. Stu frowned, and the small leafshaped ears which sat nearly atop his head (not on the sides of his head like you and me) flattened anxiously.

"The cartoon project. They need us to get out to L.A. and adress some issues.

"What kind of isseus?"

Stu paused and looked at me. "Are we buddies, Walt?"

I said "Of course we are."

Stu looked at me with sympathey. "Your breath, man. It's nasty."

Where the hell did THAT come from? Well sure, my feelings were hurt. I knew that Stu didnt mean nothin bad by it but even still i said with sarcausm, THANKS ALLOT.

"Have you been taking any wierd medicines, Walt?" Before I coud answer him the peircing voice of one of the old queen bee hags from H.R. who was up on the stage screeched into the microphone: "Pay atention back there!
"We just asked a question: WHAT, I ask you all, can be DONE to increase morale and selfesteem here at Cyberblop-dot-com?"

The entire audotorium grew silent. Somone in the back, near me, called out, "Stop firing people!" All of a sudden the whole place started laughin. That has never hapened before at Cyberblop. Only upper management who was up there on the stage lookin sternly at us like they all had pokers up their ass were silent and they glowored at us angrilly.

The laughin finaly stopped, but one person in the audeince kept it up.

"BWAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Cathyann bleated over and ovor.

"Say that wuzzn't YOU, Walter Miller!," she bellowed so the whole company heard it, "Say that wuzzn't YOU! BWAHAHAHA!"

But it was NOT me.

I leanned over and slapped her giant thigh. "Stop it!" I whispored loudly.

"Aw, now don't git yer panties in a wad, Wally," she drawled very loud. She reeked of booze. She reeked of Zima.

"Say WHUT, y'all: Walter done said that! Walter Miller! BWAHAHAHA!"

Nobody was laughing now. I was so hoummiliated.