Walter Miller's Homepage

I'd venture to say my 15 minutes are just about up.

the Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update

Page 2 of 24


They call him 'A.P.'

It is not just that he is mean, crule and abusive. He is also not human. Everytime Granfather goes to the doctor we find out all sorts of new disgousting discoveries. These are allways awfull things you wish you never found out about because learning about them allways causes nausea, lost sleep, bad nightmaires, and inevitobly, more trips to the danm doctor.

For example aftor we came home we got this one lab report which disclosed the unfortunnate revellation that Granfather was allmost totally lacking in intestinol bacteria. No one knows why.

Also, gene mapping has shown that Granfather's genetic code is split into roughley equol parts of 20 percent Human, Insect, Primate and Reptile DNA. This leaves abbout 20 persent still unknown, howevor after this last gene exam there were a few unusualy long strings of DNA of which were uniquely identicol to those found in the plant world. This explaines the multi colored lichen looking growths on his skin.

"SO I GUESS YER OLD GRAMPY IS PART PLANT," he said to me shortley afterword, and then he taunted me just like the plant monstor said in Little Shop of Horrers, "FEED ME SEYMOUR! FEED ME!,"

"A.P"

Granfather has a nickname: 'A.P.' It is becuase virtually every sentence on every medicol report includes the words "Anomolous Presentation."

"Anomolous Presentation" of this hairy boil, "Anomolous Presentation" of that oozing carbunkle; "Anomolous Presentation" of his ass hangin out of the diapor. Of his nose, eyes, feet, YOU NAME IT. They get tired of writting it so they shorten it to 'A.P.'

But the thing about the old gristly basterd not havin no intestinol bacteria is the most mysterrious.

An unexplainned parradox

If your eatin somethin, PLEASE put it down now as I discribe the folowing (and latest) Granfather-rellated paraddox. In the animal kingdom the foul odors asociated with fecal mattor are caused by what is known as gut flora or intestinol bacteria, much of it benneficiol and aiding in the digestive process. (Beleive me, I know allot about the sujbect). Howevor, with Granfather, that bacterria is NOT THERE due to thier being killed by the profound stink of his body.

Thus the paradox: If bacteria causes stink, and his is so bad that it kills bacteria, than why the hell does he smell so bad? Nobody knows and I for one dont care. Alls I want is not to have to live with him anymore cause he stinks like a diseased elephent's ass.

By the way the plant that Granfather shares strings of DNA with is somthing called Rainbow Swiss Chard. My mothor used to cook it back when she was alive. It sort of looks like a cross between green and yelloew and blue celery with bright red poinsetta leaves with blue and green varicose veins on it. The parts it grows on Granfather are his scalp, back armpits, and one asscheek. The veins pulsate. I remmember the day we discovored it. He screamed "LOOKY WHUT'S GROWIN ON ME, BOY! IT'S THE DAGNAB PLANT ON 'EARTH: FINAL CONFLICT'!"

The terible scene he caused at the HMO

As I wrote in the past Granfather made an awful crap that we had to haul out of there in a special E.P.A. Approved lead lined bag. There is no way they were goingto allow us to flush it down the toilat because it was a special dangerously corrosive turd as big as your pinky that coud eat right through a porcelian bowl.

Size does not mattor

Granfather can drop a load the size of an Easter Islond monument and othor than smelling bad, does not cause any special environmental hazerd; (exept perhaps to flies who buzz nearby, who find themselves asphixiated to death from the stench); on the other hand he can make a small but potent dynamo that is so caustic it will bore down the earth's crust to the Pre Cambrian layer of the mantle.

This particolor one the old basterd dischardged in the HMO restroom looked no more threatenning than the danm Baby Ruth bar Bill Murray fishes out of the swimming pool in Meatballs. (Or mabye it was in Caddyshack -- I dont recall).

The special E.P.A. Approved lead lined bag comes in packeges of six. Medicaid will not pay for them. Also they come with a giant red stickors you have to put on them that said

WARNING! * * * CUIDOSO! * * * RADIOACTIVE!

Also, he has mentol problems.

Granfather has an evil compulsion to be creul and mean to family members especially ME. Sevoral mental health profesionals (as well as a long police record for many disorderly acts) have shown him to be highley antisocial.

He has dellusions of greatness, suffers from various Media Addictions, (like TV and the web), makes loud vulgor public outbursts; (I undorstand there are people who cant help it; he does it on PURPOCE); The old basterd is also adicted to tobacco, liqour and fried cheese, has Pigpen Sindrome (won't bathe), as well as Classic Internet Pornagraphey Obsessive Syndrome. Plus, and I'm not sayin one thing is rellated to the othor but he also has a very bad case of Repetitive Stress Carpol Tunnel Sindrome YOU DONT WANNA KNOW WHERE.

"Behavoiraly Different"

Granfather is also very wily craftey and smart in his evil also. He has sued the county, the state, and the Fedoral Goverment claiming that he is "Behaviorally Diferent" and also "Behavoiraly challenged." Next, (and dont ask me how, cause I dont know), he somhow got the Feds to sue the state and county on his behalf.

End result:

Any 'end result' when Granfather involved is bound to be not pretty. The way this ended up the old sunnoffobbich was able to have himself declared as someone with "IBD" which stands for "Insubordinate Belligerance Disordor."

"I DON'T LIKE FOLKS TO KNOW MAH SPECIFIC MEDICAL CONDITION," the old basterd told me the othor day at the brekfast table in his haughtey, condessending way, "SO JEST GO ON AN' TELL ALL YER WUSSY ASS FREINDS AND WEBSITE READERS THAT 'GRAMPY HAS BEEN DESIGNATED AS AN INDY'VIDUAL WITH DIFFICULT TO MEET NEEDS."

He is freakin on DISABILITY

Yes thanks to the new rules the old basterd is now 'Disabled.' The case never went to court, but I think they must of settoled, because now the old basterd gets some sort of disability check each month thanks to to his "disorder." Of course he is just a mean lazy person. He loves to brag arround to people in town about what he did, too.

"IT WERE ALL A COMPLICATED, BYZANTINE, SERPENTINE PLAN, BUT I FINALLY GOT WHUT I WANTED: MAH NASTY OL' LIPS SAFELY ENSCONCED ON THE WARM, FINANCIALLY NOURISHING TITTY OF UNCLE SAM, U.S. GUV'MINT."

And not only that geuss what, the old basterd is also entitled to:

In-house visits from a caseworker

Yup a caseworkor comes to visit once a month from Austin, a very foward thinking young stringey haired woman who dosent belive in wearing shoes or deodoront.

I supose she has a little B.O., but not too bad considoring I live with Granfather. Also she has this dry and clinical yet soothingly sensuous Nationol Public Radio voice.

Granfather spins his web of deception to her each session when she comes to visit, cocking his head to one side and gettin real close to the womon as he babbles his lies, one of which is that he has hearing in only one ear and must get the side of his head very close to her.

Of course the REAL reason the old basterd is always tryin to get close is to look into her T-shirt armpit hole at the area where her bra is suposed to be, (exept, acording to Granfather, who once told me so after she left), she presumably does not beleive in wearin one of those as well.

Also, now this is wierd

About a week after this doctors apointment, we got a tissue lab repport in the mail. The report showed that Granfather's lowor colon is not human at all but is uniqeuly and biologically identical to one of those gigantic rubbory undersea worms that lives down at the bottem of the sea where no sunlight ever pennetrates and who lives off of sulfur particols from volcanoes on the ocean floor.

There is a rudimentarry ganglia or brain complex locatted there also, right at the very part where it comes to the surfece. Yes a rump with its own brain. How one of these things got inside the old basterd's butt is yet anothor mystery inside an enigma wrapped in a riddle all up Granp's ass.

But the big sticking point of the exam: No intimit relations.

This was not a joke and very serrious. Granfather was not permitted any type of "phisicol exitement" of any kind. I was enbarased for him when the doctor told him that. They coud of waited I guess till I was out of the room.

Trouble when we get home

Actualy the troubel started onthe way home. The old basterd sat in the backseat. His lemon yellow eyes bored at me in the rearveiw mirror. I tried tilting the mirror up one notch, and then agian, but the eyes still glowed at me.

"Stop staring at me!" I said.

"WATCH THE DAMN ROAD, YUH DUMBASS," he hollored back.

I began to protest this and remminded him that in family therappy he was told outright, NOT to talk to me in this way. Then the old basterd started screammin, "SHUT UP AN' DRIVE, BWAH, B'FORE I DONE HOP OVER THE SEAT AN' START BITCH SLAPPIN YUH!"

I realized that he was havin a bad time and so I did not push the issue. Then Granfather started makin the Blair Witch noises. I dont know if you saw the movie but good thing I live out in wide open spaces far from the woods. I am still havin bad dreams abbout it. OK, I am an ovorly sensitive person, but even still Granfather was makin all the awful noises. Then he started bouncing and thrashin arround in the car. Have you ever seen the Hokaido snow monkeys on the Discovory Channel where they climb up to the tippy top of these spindley trees during mating season and hoot and hollor like crazey while shakin the whole tree? Well Granfather was doing that. Exept he was makin the Blair Witch sounds too.

Then he started actin like a demon possesed man