Walter Miller's Homepage

I cant believe I am still doing this.

the Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update

Page 5 of 24


Ah yes, the pain in the ass of gettin time off work.

My boss at work is this little tiny gnomelike womon who has a decidedley toadlike face. She is an extremly big pain in the ass.

...What's that? Oh I am sorry. Ive alredy mentioned that.

My e-mail about my boss

As you know I get allot of email. I am not just talkin about spam. Much of it is coments about my website. In the top ten of populor e-mail comments Ive been gettin lately, (Number One as you geussed it is: "WHERE'S THE FREAKIN UPDATES, WALT?" ), a few people have wrote in to enquire as to why I am so hard on my boss lately.

Yes, I do insult her. Well, here is why. I finaly got up the nerve to ask her, "PLEASE, NO MORE BREAKFEST MENTORING SESSIONS."

She agreed with me, but the folowing week, insted of answoring me directly "YES" or "NO" about giving me one freaking day off she preferred to insist that me and her get togethor to "talk out my problems."

Well I do not want to talk out my probloms. At least not with her. Not only is she a compulsive codependent whose mission in life is to "help me" she is also A NOSY BLABBORMOUTH.

Back in Octobor me and her were hangin out at work late one night and I told her a few personol things, and swore her to secrecy, and dont you know it THE NEXT DAY the whole friggin office knew everything. One of the things i told her was that I was a bedwettor as a child.

I am a jerk

A jerk becuase I did not learn my lessen. Less than a week lator we met for brekfast at Denny's. I hapenned to tell her SECRETLY that I thoght a girl who works there is cute, with speciffic instructions that she NOT TELL NO ONE, and within 2 hours she not only told the girl this, she told her while i was standin there infront of about 5 people.

I was houmilliated. Plus, now, everytime i pass this cute girl in the hall at work she turns her head away and walks real fast like I am Hanibal Lector.

I asked her WHY she is sharing these things and she said "I cant help it", and also, "I want to help."

Me and my pain in the ass toadfaced boss

Me and my pain in the ass toadfaced boss do have one thing in common howevor. We are both the only people in the entire company to of had Disciplinery Action Reprimands placed in our Personnel files exactley four seperate times. Me, for generol workplace incompetence. Her, for bein a pain in the ass.

Anyway the only time she coud meet with me is 8:30 in the morning and since its ovor a 2 hour drive for me to get to work I have to get up REAL early.

And geuss what: She wants to have these danm meetings with me weekly. Yes, to "mentor me." Well I do not WANT her to mentor me. I might turn out like her for Godsake.

Loud painfull grunting

Well by the time I get there she was havin some sort of personol emergency involving her havin to spend 45 minuts in the ladies room right next to the kitchenette makin horoble noises that sounded like a bunch of sound editing room floor clippings all strung togethor from some sort of Quentin Tarantino-created sadisticol torture scene that were too awful to make it to the final cut while I sat there in the kitchenette waiting for her.

I get screamed at: "By The Lady Who Screams at Everyone"

So there I am sittin there all alone in the kitchenete, listening to my boss from inside the Ladies Room soundin like shes givin birth to a couple of canned hams for Godsake. Mostly no one has arrived to work at that time, but three times, one of the big bosses, this person we happan to call "The Lady who Screams at Evereyone" walked by, and said to me, (screamed really), while I sat there, (really with nothin to do), "DONT YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DO?"

Finaly my boss came out of the bathroum. She had the back of her dress hiked up and bunched into a big puffy ball that was acidentaly tucked into the rear of her pantie hose. Looking at her from the front you coudnt see nothin was wrong but from the back you coud see her whole dumpy ass. I guess I shoud of said somthin but I did not.

By that time it was allmost time for our 9 oclock All Hands staff meeting. We only had 10 minuts to talk. And the whole time she talked about herself. She was yammerin on about some guy she was involved with and how she was going to miss this big offsite meeting that was coming up, becuase of these plans she had with him.

They guy sounds like a real loser. This because she told me that he said he wasnt ready to introdduce her to his family yet unless she dropped 20 pounds. Mabye SHE is the bigger loser.

Crunch! Crunch! Crunch!

Anyway in ordor to lose weight she was now adicted to these danm diet chocolate bars, and eating TWICE as many as before! As if this is gonna make you LOSE weight! She sat there hungrilly gobboling them and of course the poor womon was actually puttin on more pounds. You are suposed to eat them INSTED of a meal. But she was eatin them BETWEEN meals, and in ADITION to meals, and even DURING meals for Godsake, washin them all down with a couple of cans of Ensure. (Which are also suposed to be a whole meal in itself but she drinks those too all day long and then probly eats the freakin box they came in.)

Her and those danm diet chocolate bars. She kept them in the freezor of the kitchenette. Suposedly they were 'lower in calories' if eaten frozon. Oh, please. The way she gobbled them with the loud crunches with all the little frozon peices flying everywhere it sounded like a danm icicle in a woodchippor.

The Offsite Meeting to Improve Morale planned for next week...

In my last update i wrote about how Cyberblop, the compeny I work for was planning a big offsite meeting to inprove morale. The whole company was going to spend three days at a fancy hotel and atend meetings that woud "validate each person's value to the company."

Well, they had the meeting and I will tell you about it in this update.

So anyway, I coud not even GET to the part where I coud ask her abbout gettin time off -- gettin ONE FREAKIN DAY OFF, for the Granfather related conference call.

"Walter, dear," my anoying codependent boss asked, "How is the dear old gentleman doing?"

I said to her, "He is mean and smells. Same as allways."

...But first: Today's All hands staff Meeting

I began to think to myself that I was going to haveto end up playing hooky to get that day off I wanted. By now we were out of time and had to go to the All Hands staff meeting.

We all shuffoled into the conference room. Lately morale has been real low here at Cyberblop. Since the summer, Upper Management is firing people each month and replaceing them with freinds of thiers -- who in turn become part of Uppor Management and are thereby entitled to hire THIER freinds as well.

Its all about Head Count

"Headcount" is a word that simpley means the number of heads you can have working there. It has nothing to do with whethor or not there are any brains in these heads.

In othor words if you have 10 people in one departmant, and they are all lowpaid people who know how to use computers, (and therefore actualy do work), any or all of these can be replaced with highor paid dumbasses who dont know HOW to use computers and who just sit around on there ass. Just as long as your 'headcount' number stays the same.

Yes we have allot of people there who do NOTHING.
I supose 'doing nothing' is hard. You never know when youre finished.

You shoud see the danm Company Organizationol Chart

The Generol Manager is at the top. Only one persen reports to him, The Lady Who Screams at Everyone. There are 40 Vice Presidents and 28 people who dont have titles but are assuredly NON vice presidents, all of which who report to her. And that is the whole danm company. (I am one of the 28 non-titled, non-vice presidents by the way. We are called 'Team Players'.)

Our Org Chart is just one straite line with not allot of branches. Yes a danm org chart that looks like Granfather's family tree.

Like I said, this offsite meeting was designed to inprove morale.

Yes, the poor morale among the 28 'Team Players' who actualy do all the work. But aftor the Generol Manager saw how much it woud cost, mostly only Uppor management was even going. Oh yes, a few ass kissers among the Lowly 28 were going to the fancy hotel also--but not me.

Its just as well cause i did not want to go anyway

Which is true. But even still (and I dont even know why), but because I was not invited i felt ripped off and excluded. Yes I know. Its imatture.

Strap on your boots