Walter Miller's Homepage

"Evil as a career strategy is especially tempting to those with great ambitions and only modest talent"
-- George Orwell

the Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update

Page 6 of 24


Yes strap them on cause the B.S. is coming.

We spent half that day in meetings talkin about the prepperarations for how ONLY THE BIG BOSSES woud be going to the stupid offsite meeting.

Then I find out I AM GOING.

It seems they needed somone there to do tech suport. And as soon as I found out, all feelings of exclusion were gone: I was now just pissed that I had to go.

Worst of all I woud have to go the night before to set up the meeting room. This was AWFUL because I woud be unable to catch a ride in one of the limosines that was takin everyone else. This is a company that hasnt made no money yet. I woud have to drive 5 HOURS EACH WAY in our old car.

Well this realy sucked.

The Crusty Patina

Like many internet companies living off of investor money and without a purpoce or a product, each week new friends, cronies and relatives were constently being hired here as high-priced consultents and upper managers. They all get introduced at each staff meeting.

How they introduce them: The brand new Vice President is usualy standin up at the front next to the rest of the frowning bosses. The new V.P. is frowning too and allways has his or her arms crossed. I think before the meeting they tell them to do this.

"Crusty Patina" is a word I made up for that thick shellacked layer upon layer of useless Vice Presidants that it usualy takes a company decades to devellop. Granfather heard me use the term once ovor the phone at home, and then later remarked that it sounded like the name of some aged porn star or scantilly clad female wrestler, and coud I posibly direct him toword more information regarding this "Crusty Patina".

The "Ergonomotron"

Today one of the new V.P. people was this guy who when I first saw him I thoght he might posibly be some sort of peformance artist who was there to entertain us. He was all dressed in black, like a mime. His head was shaved, and he had no eyebrows. He had these bright green and pink foamy rings on his elboews, ankles, knees and wrists. These were all special ergonomic things that were suposed to releive the strain of working on computers. He was standin at the front of the conference room, stairing us down like some sort of vulture ready to start peckin at your eyes.

The Ergonomotron, whose title was Executive Vice President of Scratchin His Ass or somthin, (I realy dont know), started to move in a robotic mannor and speak to us in this weird, whispory fake Eurotrash acent, (fake becuase somone told me he is realy from the Boston area).

He told us that he woud be "colecting ideas" by email from all us enployees that will help Cyberblop find its 'Purpose' and thereby make a profit. He said there was a $1,000 prize for the best idea. Well, I have alot of ideas and coud sure as hell use $1,000 and so I started thinkin real hard.

The rest of the meeting

I thoght I woud just show you this outline to give you an idea of how we do things at this place. It is a flow of a normol "one-hour" meeting here that is suposed to start at 9:00 sharp. OK, I admit it, I exaggorated a little. Howevor when I wrote it I used the actuol Meeting Agenda document off our network server as a template.

M E E T I N G * A G E N D A
CYBERBLOP(r) NEW MEDIA inc.

9:00 AM - 9:20 AM
People start trickling in. No Vice presidents are here yet. The same 4 or 5 ass-kissing 'Team Players' are there howevor, sitting quietly. I am one of those people.

9:20 AM - 9:35 AM
The first V.P. shows up, a low level Associate V.P. who hollers at the people there, because everyone else is late. (He realy shoud be holerin at the people who ARENT there I supose, but they arent there.)

9:35 AM - 9:45 AM
The asociate V.P., his face red and angry, pulls out a company directory and starts callin people one by one on the speakorphone that's on the conference table, hollerin at them about "Chronological Acountability". They are on speakerphone so he can enbarass them publicly. As people trickol in, they get hollered at as well. But not as much as us folks who got there the earliest.

9:45 AM - 9:55 AM
Anothor V.P. arives. The witch hunt ends. There is no more hollering at anyone for bein late. The two V.Ps begin to furiously kiss one anothor's ass and implicitly encuorage others to do the same. These 2 talk as all others remain silent. Many unintelligible industrey acronyms, anecdotes and snappy phrases are tossed about in an especialy clubby, exclusionery flair.

9:55 AM - 9:59 AM
The 3 top bosses arive, each with an excuse better than the next as to why there an hour late. They are holding cofee and donuts only for themselves. These four minutes of the entire workday are the only ones where they are not harshly frowning. Insted they wear simporing smiles.
THE MEETING FINALY BEGINS

10:00 AM - 10:15 AM
Overhead Presentation: "What This Meeting will Acomplish." (Since all we have is the same meeting ovor and over agian, this is an easy presentation to give).

10:15 AM - 10:25 AM
Announcements: "Funding Revenue Projections Lower Than Expected", (in other words, ten minuts of, "We dont have no money to spend, so dont be makin no danm long distance calls").

10:15 AM - 10:25 AM
Overhead Presentation: "Learning To Be Nimble and Robust While Disintermediating As A Means Of Profitability" ...(I dont know what it means eithor).

10:25 AM - 10:35 AM
Remarks: The Lady Who Screams at Evereyone stands in the front of the room screamin at us with four or five of her ass kissing flying monkeys who were just newly apointed in the past month as Vice Presidents Of Bellybutton Lint or some such who are standing there behind her with there arms folded across thier black turtlenecks, silently frowning angrilly at the crowd as we all get our butts chewed out about not havin made no profits yet. And how she has a mind to fire all our asses.

10:35 AM - 10:45 AM
Announcements: New employees are anounced. Usualy we have five new Vice Presedents per meeting. Each speaks for exactley two minutes. Each says the same thing:

  • ...That they come to Cyberblop from an unrelated, usualy non-technicol industry. (For exampol, the tampon industry. Or, the dental floss industry.)

  • ...That they are either, "non-techy" or else "know nothing about computers."

  • ...That knowing nothin about computers is a GOOD thing, becuase this is thier "VALUE ADD" to the company, as it gives them a "FRESH PERSPECTIVE."

  • At least one of them mentions that they actualy "hate and fear" computors and the internet.

  • We in the audeince are suposed to laugh when they say this.
  • 10:45 AM - 10:55 AM
    Message from the Generol Manager: The bloated walrusy old fart stands up, picks a wedgie out of his ass and solemny complains that when he arived here at 6:00 AM, (yeah, right), the whole danm parkin lot was empty...AND, not only THAT, but when he took a walk thruogh the cubical area at 7:00 PM, he saw allot of empty cubes. And that people dont seem to be workin hard and that he will fire people if the situaton dosent inprove.

    10:55 AM - 11:05 AM
    The Lady who screams at Evereyone gets up agian, and screams at us all, this time stamping her feet. She mentions that "THE MEETING IS GOING OVER ONE HOUR, AND THAT IS GOOD." By this time the Generol Manager has fallen asleep again in his seat.

    11:05 AM - 11:15 PM
    Human Resources Update on Morale:
    One of the Mother Hens from H.R. gives an overhead presentation compleate with graphs and charts on how morale is so low here, and how we need to identiffy the 'root causes' and devise a 'pro-active strategey'. The G.M. awakens breifly to grunt a terse statment that if we dont "meet the numbors" he has a mind to fire all our asses and replace us with "happy people."

    "Harumph!," he says, "I'll run an employee raid on Wal-Mart if I have to!"

    11:15 PM - 12:45 PM
    They pull the danm website up on the giant screen and evereyone critisizes it. At least one of the new Vice Presidents asks a qeustion which reveals the fact that this is there first time viewing the web.

    Revealing questions Ive heard this year:

  • "What is that revolving 'e' up there in the upper right cornor of the screen?"

  • "Can somone tell me WHY we cant just send an email to the whole world anouncing our product?"
  • 12:45 PM - 12:55 PM
    Last item on the agenda: The Lady Who Screams at Evereyone's pain in the ass nine year old kid walks in, cause he is on lunch recess from his school nearby. The Lady who Screams at Everyone puts on her rare non-screaming voice and frightening fake Jack Palance smile and anounces that her dumbass kid is once again selling those stupid candy bars and damn decorrative tins of chocolate covered boogers to raise money for the school. And that when he came by last time with the sales sheet, NOT ENUOGH PEOPLE BOGHT STUFF.

    A late night at work