Walter Miller's Homepage

OK, youre one third done with this giant mutant update...(Once agian I appolloggize)

the Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update

Page 8 of 24


That night

At 1 AM I was awoke to loud murderrous screams coming from Granfather's room. "BWAH!...BWAH! GITCH YER UGLY ASS IN HERE!"

I went in and he demandded I tell him what time it was. When I said it was one, he started to bellow like a wounded Tyrannosaur. He began to trembol in a violant quivor, like a sustained palsy, and a giant monstrously large vein popped on his forhead the size and shape of an ovorripe Hubbard squash.

"YOU DUMBASS! I DONE HAD A TEN O'CLOCK DATE!"

I tried to explain that he told me to put him to bed. Granfather retourted that he was just dizzy from inhailing the burning hairsprey fumes.

"THIS AIN'T A BAD DREAM!...IT REALLY IS DAMN ONE A.M.!"

"I REALLY DONE MISSED MUH DAMN DATE!

"I DONE FEEL LIKE DAMN OLE EBENEEZER SCROOGE! HE DIDN'T GIT TO FOOL AROUND WITH NO LADIES ONE LAST TIME BEFORE THE NEW MELINIUM NEITHER!"

I coud sence that Granfather realy was about to go balistic and so I took apropriate preventotive measures.

I went in the closet and got the danm dart gun

Granfather knew what was going on and so he sprang from the bed to run past me. I grabed his pajamas and they tore and so he contineud down the hall buck nakad. The dart gun is the same one they use on giant male gorillas. The only difference is these special vanadium tipped razor nibs at the end of each dart, which are suposed to cut through his husky leathory ossified hot dog skin hide.

We have a lisense and prescription both for the darts, and the sedative. I only had two darts left, and I quickley loaded and aimed at the old scampering beast as he rounded the cornor by the linen closet. Irregardless of how you may feel about guns, (or for that mattor, Charlton Heston), our whole familly is N.R.A. trained in marksmenship. No one in our familly goes hunting, we took the classes just so we can acurately shoot darts at the unpleasent moving stinking target we know so well as Granp's ass.

The doctor told me to aim straight for the centor of one cheek, but I am the worst shot in the familly and so, (I apollogize, this is gross), the dart nailed him straight in the balls. Insted of spearing it like a grape, the special dart tip bent and broke off with a metallic Ping! withuot so much as peircing the skin

"HEH HEH, YOU MISSED!", Granfather taunted me, "THEY DIDN'T CALL ME 'LUG NUTS' AS A KID FER NOTHIN, YOU KNOW!"

And just as he wheeled his head arround to say, "YOU COUDN'T HIT A BARN WITH A..."
...I nailed him square in his left ham and he dropped like a frozon steak.

I carried the prone beast to his bed and tucked him in. At three AM I was awakenned agian by anothor awful noise.

Granfather was wailing

The way the seddative works, the animal regains conscioussness in a few hours but canot move his limbs for sevoral more hours. Granfather was scairing the hell out of me by making those awfull Blair Witch noises. He knows I canot sleep when he does that.

By 3:30 he had stopped, but I silentley laid in bed while the old basterd snored. Yes i am a big baby but that Blairwitch film realy scared me.

At 4 I had to pee, and when i went in the bathroom I coud not bellive it. Granfather, (or the Blare Witch, eithor one, both are equaly evil), took the toothbrushes and floss out of the medicine cabinnet and made one of those Blair Witch twig creatures and hung it up from the ceiling. How the hell he was able to do it I DONT KNOW. Becuase I did NOT hear him get up.

A sleepless night

The worst was yet to come. I ocasionally recharge my laptop during the night, and on this morning when I powored up, my finger touched upon somthing that I initialy did not notice sittin there on the keyboard.

Oh YUCK

It is a black keybord so I did not see it. BUT MY FINGOR TOUCHED IT. Yes. There sittin across the CAPS LOCK and the A, S, D and F keys was a disgousting peice of "100% Pure Granfather"

Before I knew what was hapening I acidentaly swiped my finger up near my eyes, (because my eyes, as a mattor of fact were burning).

Have you evor got close to a bunch of raw onions, how your eyes burn? Being near one of Granp's craps is like that, exept onions smell much bettor.

MY EYE!!!!

Yes some of it got in my eye. It burned like acid. Looking up with the othor eye I saw Granfather standin there, still buck ass nakad lightley scratchin his knobby nads with one long gnarled nail and smokin a nasty cigar.

"I'M A PRIVACY INVADIN', PROFILE POKIN' PACKET SNIFFIN' INTERNET MARKETEER," he sneered.

"WHY ELSE WOUD I OF LEFT A COOKIE ON YER HARD DRIVE? BWAH-HAH-HAAAH!"

Yes it was a danm cookie allright. I had to drive myself to the hospitol. They strapped me down and flushhed my eye out with this awful cold stuff.

I have to wear a giant eyepatch

They told me the cornea got dammaged, corodded actualy from contact with the nonearthly compounds native to the old basterd's ass, and so there was this little metol thing with holes in it that looks like a vegetable strainer that they taped to my eye. It had to stay there two weeks. The doctor said that the lashes of my lowor lid on that eye will not grow back.

Meanwhile, I called the State Lab and told them about the turd that Granfather left on the laptop. The stupid chemist started hollerin at me over the phone, "You know the rules!", and he thretenned to call the freakin EPA on me.

The rules are that until the true nature of Granfather's phisicol nature can be established, all 'number two' emisions from him must be properly packed. It cannot go in the toilat because it will corrode porcelain and also toxify the ground wator.

"How long was the sample exposed to the air?" the chemist demmanded.

I actually lied to the guy and quickley packed the thing up in its special lead bag. You have to do this, othorwise continued exposure to nitrogen and oxygin in the air will cause the poison poo to spontanneosly combust and possibly exploade.

Granfather also had dropped a toxic log at the HMO in my last update, and like that one, this new turd, (part of which GOT IN MY EYE), also got packed in its own special lead lined bag, which is safely locked inside an alunimum breifcase. The chemist told me to pack the samples in the trunk of my car and be sure to drive them ovor to the lab in the next week or so.

Ergo, the Ergonomotron

A few days later it was time once agian for my morning meeting with my anoying boss. I watched her consume a styrofoam clamshell tray full of eggs, two diet chocolate bars and four cans of Ensure. Then, she actualy licked the Stubbs Hot Sauce (which she puts on her eggs) off the tray. Sudenly I senced a presence near us.

I turned around, and The Ergonomotron was there.