Walter Miller's Homepage

Disclaimor: Small parts of what your readin is not true

the Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update

Page 10 of 24

I was so glad when the danm conference call was ovor. The next morning I left for the offsite meeting at the fancy hotel.

Like I said, because I had to go early, I was unable to catch one of the limosines there AND I HAD TO TAK MY OWN CAR. Its a 5 hour ride.

Later on i treid to get them to reinburse me expenses but they said "we are a start up company and dont have the money for that."

Junior watches Granfather

Dad mailed him a check for $300 upfront for the 3 days I woud be gone. Junior was to sleep in my room, entertain, and play cards with Granfather, as well as keep him out of troubel.

$300 is ALOT of money in this part of the countrey, especialy for a dumb guy like Junior but it was worth every penny. This was on top of the $40 he got to block the porn channols. Junoir is makin more freakin money than me. We also made sure Junior also had a new eight-pack of ass darts just in case.

My Boss helps me out

OK I will stop picking on her. Since my laptop was destroyed thanks to the old basterd, she agreed to loan me hers, since she was not going to the offsite meeting. She was planning her own trip with her new boyfreind -- yes a Romantic getaway to San Antonio.

After the family conference call I called her

I called her up in the middol of the night, crying. OK I am a big baby. I was cryin partley cause I was out atleast a thousand bucks for a new laptop cause Granfather destroyed mine by leavin that log on it. But the other reason I was cryin was the uttor houmiliation of it all.

She even met me at work on her day off to bring me her laptop. Then we went out for lunch and I had a good time. She drives one of those giant Lincoln Navigater SUVs and her feet cant touch the floor nor eyes reach ovor the dash and she backed into a dumpster twice while parking but I will not make fun of her about it.

I take back all the bad stuff i said abbout her

During lunch in fact I told her some personol stuff (that she promised not to repeat), and she will be trying to help mentor me both personaly, and profesionnaly in order to get my act togethor.

Yes I know, that is oposite of what I said beffore. But I cannot help it. I am weak. And it was extremly nice of her to loan me her laptop.

At the fancy hotel

Boy was my ass sore aftor that 5 hour ride. I am used to driving allot, but not with one eye covored. I kept shifting arround in the seat and gave myself a giant hemmorrhoid.

Anyway, that night after I spent the whole day settin up computers in the hotel conference room, the rest of the people start checking in. I was waiting there too, becuase I coud not check in. It is humilliating, but I do not have a credit card. One of the Upper Managors woud have to check me in. Even more humiliatting was the danm alunimum eyepatch I had to wear. It was no ordinery eyepatch but this big curved thing the size of half a tennis ball.

People were staring at me and whisporing wherever I went. Now I know how Granfather feels.

I see the Ergonomotron arrive, and he nods at me. He is wearin somthing new on his mysterrious all-black turtlenecked figure. It is this big yellow square peice of foam across his chest. I recognized it as somthing that came packed in the box our new network server came in. He must of friggin pulled it out of the danm dumpster.

He walks over to me and says in this criptic, high-faluttin voice, "I never liked Ronald Reagan. But he once said, 'It's amazing what can be acomplished if no one cares who takes the credit'."

And then he walked away. What the hell did THAT mean. Anyway alls I cared about was gettin the $1,000 prize for comin up with my way-cool idea of a speciel see-through paper that you lay on the computor screen and write on with speciel crayons.

Next the Lady Who Screams at Everyone came in, and her danm anoying kid was there too. Evereyone at Cyberblop hates this danm kid. It looks like he had a freind with him too. The two kids are runnin around very loud and acting like brats.


The dann Lady Who Screams at Everyone takes me and the two kids aside and tells me that I will be watching them for the conference!! I coud not beleive it. Then she takes the 3 of us to the check in countor and puts us all in the same room!

The kids are alreadey foolin around. While the lady is still standin there. They are throwin stuff at othor people in the lobby, and making fun of the bellman, who was forced by this particulor hotel chain to wear an enbarassing uniform with a big pointey helmet. One of them threw a jawbreakor at the guy when he turned around and it popped off his head.

This was her son's freind. Meanwhile I coud not find her son. Sudenly we both see him with his trousors down and he is peeing into this fountian in the middol of the lobby.

The Lady who Screams at Evereyone tells me that her kid is slightley 'hyper' and needs focus. Then she started screamin at me, and said that it was my job to watch them, make sure they did NOT GET IN TROUBEL, and to also during the whole three days, to assume all my tech suport duties: That this WASNT no danm vacation I was on. Also, I woud have to drive these two little creeps back the whole 5 hours because she was leaving early!!

The meeting theme

The title of the 3 days of meetings was "A Voyage Of Understanding." The 'Voyage' consisted of meeting after meeting of overhead presentattions. People were suposed to view part of the presentation on their laptops, and part on the big overhead projector. It was my job to plug in all the network dopples for all the new Vice Presidants who dont know how to use computers.

Fortunatly I did not have many tech suport calls.

It was easy to see why. If you stood in the back of the room while the conferrence was going on, it was easy to see that no one had the network open so they coud follow the presentation. Allmost everyone was playing Hearts.

Later, at night they held conferrences too. These consisted of all these highpaid bozos all handing various plaques and prizes to one anothor while they all clapped and congrattulated themselves ovor and over. Oh, also a few people won trips to Cancun. Some people who were with the company only one danm month were somhow able to win these. Selfserving basterds.

I finaly found out what the danm Ergonomotron was talkin about, with the Ronald Reagen quote: This basterd introduced the winner of the prize for great interactive idea -- MY GREAT IDEA -- as one of the new consultents.

It was the consultent who looks like Prince Charles exept she is wearin a dress. Yes it is a woman. But she REALY looks like Prince Charles; especialy when you see him on TV wearin the Scotish kilt.

The consultent came up on stage, described MY IDEA, and then they handed her a check for $1,000. Then everryone clapped and clapped and clapped. I was so pissed. I shifted arround unconfortably in my seat. Which by this time was VERY unconfortable bein that the sore I got from driving was like a friggin strawberry was growin on it for Godsake.

Troubel at the pool

There were a bunch of hotel rooms ringing the giant indoor pool area and thats where I spent most of the time with the two stupid kids I had to watch. The two little bastords were in the danm pool till closing time each night. They were violently splashing evereyone to the point that no one else coud use the pool and also snapping there towols at other people's asses. You are suposed to get only one towol per person but they took the whole stack that was sittin on the benches.

A big mean woman who didnt speak English and who had this grim Tom Snyder face came over and started chewin me out. It was truly the Female Version of Tom Snyder.

I personaly was not aloud to go in the pool considoring the problem with my eye but while she was hollerin at me the two brats pushed me in the water. It was NOT suposed to get wet.

That night in the hotel room

Later on I was takin a showor and I locked the bathroom door so they woudnt steal my stuff but while I was in there they ordered a TVMA film which is almost bareley a porn film off the cable box in the room plus two room service Personal Pizzas that cost $21 bucks each with all the topings they got. Plus you know the danm hotel charges an extra 18%.

The kids were screamin out the balcony of the room which overlooked the pool in a big indoor atrium area from 10 stories up and you coud hear the little brat sonofobbiches in almost every room. Two times the big female Tom Snyder who dosent speak English came by and knocked onthe door of our room and told me that if the kids did ONE MORE THING BAD we were all three of us out of there on our ass.

As soon as she left I heard a shreik from the balcony and ran back there to find one of the kids holding the othor one's arms while he sat on the railing with his legs hooked arround it with his pants down and with his undorpants down i saw escaping from between his cheeks as he shook loose till it dropped down onto the cement below where people were swimming and where stencilled in red paint arround the perimeter of the pool were the words: NO RUNNING -- WET SURFACE -- CUIDOSO PISO MOJADO" a crap that sailed thruogh the air ten stories down to land with a loud smack right on the part that said PISO.

And boy was i PISOD OFF