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the Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update

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When we were alone I treid to disipline them but they told me very roughly to GO HAVE RELLATIONS WITH MYSELF, not in those words, but you can imagin how they SAID IT. And the next morning durin the breakfast buffet these two little jerks made a horroble scene by puttin scramboled eggs in there mouth and pretending they were hackin up projectile phlemm at eachother and other people who were eating. Then one of the kids said, "Last year we started readin your website and thoght you were cool. Now that we met you we know your a wuss."

Please folks I know that I may of creatted a monstor, but PLEASE keep your kids away from my website if you think there goin to act out anything that they might read here.

A message

Back in the room I had a histericol phone message from Junior who said that Granfather was being very bad. I called him back and he was weeping and cryin. He told me that Granfather was tryin to sneak out of the house to raise hell. Plus he was being mean and cursing. Also being disgousting in a gastrointestinol sence: Somthing about elephent garlic and a Bic lighter. But i didnt get all the details. (Whoa I was glad I wasnt there for it.)

Also Granp was realy starting to smell very bad cause he reffused to bathe and also thrashed around when Junior treid to change his adult diapors.

The stink was back.

When Granfather normaly stinks its pretty bad but your nose gets acustommed to it. but when he realy, really smells awful, the smoke detectors in our trailor will start to chirp just like when they are low on baterries. I canot explian it but its true. Plus there a tin roof roadhouse out on the State route with cheap beer and loose womon some of whom will be desperate and drunk enuogh to allow the old basterd to pick them up and GRANFATHER KNOWS IT. He was tryin to sneak out.

The sunnoffobich was also back on the web

Yes, surfing porn when the doctor said hes not aloud to.

And this aftor I took the ROM chips off his PC as a precaution and also locked him out of the Internet. But as you know AOL is sendin out those new 250 hour free trial disks and dont you know the old basterd got one in the mail that week and hid it from me. How the hell AOL can give away 250 hours is beyond me.

How he got back on

Granfather is not that good with softwear but he is learning to truobelshoot hardware. There is an old 486 Acer I used to own that I stuck in the barn cause I thohgt it didnt work no more. But Granfather went and pulled it out and set it up in the trailer. When it didnt work, he pulled the cabinet off the CPU and started fiddoling around.

The old basterd figuored out that if you hold one corner of the motherboard up a sixteenth inch or so higher than the othor 3 cornors you can boot the OS.

So, according to Junior, Granfather had the cabinet off the CPU and he forced poor Junoir to stand in front of the the kitchon table for 3 hours with his danm finger under the mothorboard as the basterd browsed the web. Granfather told Junior if he so much as flinched and caused him to lose the connection in the middol of a nice nasty .JPEG download that he'd put his cigar ash out right on one of Junoir's nipples. Granfather is mean, cruel and abbusive.

"I DONE BEEN LOOKIN AT THIS HERE BARE ASS PORN JUST THREE HOURS!" Junior told me that Granfather said hapilly to him while poor Junoir's fingor got numb holdin up the corner of the mothorboard,

"ONLY 247 FREE AOL HOURS TO GO!"

Also Junior started blubberin that, "Grampy done been makin them Guard-awful noises of the flesh" while lookin at the pictures.

"It were jest like them Blair Witch sounds Grampy makes," Junoir bawled, "C'ept its more freindly like."

I told Junoir to calm down and try to restrain him with the dartgun but he said that in the middol of the night the old bastord chewed the tips off all 8 darts so they just bounced off his scraggly ass hide when he shot him.

"I'm so scaired of Grampy!," he sobbed, "But I dont want him to die! And I want my $300 too!"

I said to him JUNOIR CONTROLE YOURSELF.

The day we were checkin out of the Hotel

This was the worst busines trip of my life. We were on the 10th floor and as we rode down the elevater, four of the big managers got on at the 8th floor. They were all talkin about how the stupid female Prince Charles had submitted such a, "Great E-commerce Business Model idea" -- which was to put clear paper over the computor screen for our e-commerce clients to write on. And how she won the $1,000 bucks.

Finaly I said somthing.

"That was really MY E-commerce Busines Model idea," I said.

I coud not believe I had the nerve to say it. I coud not look no one in the eyes, though. Of cource I was looking at my shoes.

Then one of the big bosses said: Yes, it was YOUR IDEA but they said the female prince Charles had 'tweaked' it.

Hmmmm. Allways beware on the workplace when people say there goingto 'tweak' somthing.

One of the big managors asked me WHAT THE HELL HAPENED TO YOUR EYE and before I coud answor the son of the Lady who Screams at Everyone told everyone that I hurt myself when I was tryin to peek at some girls gettin changed down by the pool and one of them stuck a pencil in the keyhole and jabbed me in the eye. The little basterds luaghed but everyone else just staired at me.

Down in the lobby I was never so glad to see the Lady who Screams at Everyone. I was glad because since she was there, this probly meant that I woud NOT have to drive the little monsters home.

She was there with her husbend who was this very sad, whipped looking guy and she was hollerin at him. If you ever grew up with Sesame Street (like me) do you remember that poor blue faced man muppet with the bald head and mustache and fringe of hair in the back who allways ended up bein in a restauarant where Grover was the waiter, and Grover allways screwed up the order till the old blue bald muppet got exasporated while Grovor was nervously flappin his skinny arms and yammering on about how he was right and the othor guy was wrong? Thats what the Lady Who Screams at Evereyone's husbend looks like and how she was talkin to him.

Anyway the way it turned out I still had to drive the danm kids home.

Yes while everyone else from Cyberblop was checking out of the hotel, the Lady who Sceamms at Everyone and her whipped and surely henpecked husbend were staying there that night becuase early the next morning they were both goin off to Cancun because (suprise!) the Lady Who Screams at Evereyone had just the night before at the Awards Ceremony miraculously and unexpectadly won a trip for 2 as a "Peformance Incentive For Outstanding Acheivement at the Cyberblop(TM) Annuol Voyage Of Understanding Conferrence."

Damn.

Of course she had told me from the getgo that Id have to drive the danm kids home. Yeah right Ill bet the whole freakin thing about her 'winning a trip' to Cancun was planned.

I tell her everything abuot how badly the kids acted.

Yes she heard it all. (Well not everything, I did not tell her about the turd off the balcony only because I didnt think she'd believe me.) In anycase I spilt my guts NOT because I am a tattol tail, I did it just so the danm kids woud not cause me to crash the car while I drove them home for 5 hours.

I am easily intimmidated

I know they are just 2 nine year old kids but even still I am very self-conscoius when I have to lowor the boom on someone and so it was not easy for me to explain to the Lady Who Screams at Everyone how bad her kid and her kid's freind misbehaived in the hotel during her absence.

She listened queitly to me with her lips quivoring in anger and I thoght she was goingto claw a chunk out of my ass the way she glowored at me but she never did. Insted she let loose on the poor husbend. She hollored at him in front of everyone in the lobby.

Next she took the little basterds aside in one of those quiet carpeted public telephone niches near the restroom and in a low and very pleasent voice told them how 'disapointed' she was in there behavoir.

I get screammed at in front of everyone in the danm Lobby anyway

Youll never beleive why. It was time for me to take the little creeps home and when the Lady Who Screams at Everyone saw what my car looked like she started screammin that it was 'unsafe' and also old, and also a who lot of othor things.

I was houmilliated

The main points seemed to be that it had no air conditioning and her danm kid needed A/C for his danm allergies. This was December and it was a very pleasent 70 degrees and dry and you did not need A/C, but even still she hollored at me.

Yes I got hollored at because I do not drive a new car. If I had balls I wish I woud of said, "YEAH WELL WHAT YOU PAY ME OF CUORSE I DONT HAVE A NEW CAR," but i did not.

Also, I overheard her say to the poor sad husbend that she woud be enbarassed if the housekeeper and posibly the neighbers, (or, worst of all, the neighbor's housekeepor for Godsake) saw her kid being drivon home in a 1970 Dodge Dart Swinger that is missing hupcabs. Well we cannot enbarass someone infront of no one's housekeeper.

Also she said the car smelt like crap

Well, she had me there. Cause it sure as hell did.

Anyway she said the car was unsafe looking, had a busted window, no muffoler and had bald baloney-skin tires (which, OK, was all probly true), plus Granfather had a bumpor sticker on it that said "HONK IF SOMETHING FALLS OFF" so she said she had to rent a danm car on her company credit card.

She screamed, "WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOUR CAR WAS SUCH A PEICE OF CRAP?" and I said, (once agian looking down at my shoes and staring hard with my one avialable eye), "I dont know: Because I am a jerk."

When they heard that evereyone in the lobby from my job plus the 2 kids were laughin and laughin at me for like, at least 10 minnutes.

I get to drive a rentol car