Walter Miller's Homepage

40% less poo than South Park -- but better-placed, higher-brow poo, I think

the Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update

Page 14 of 24


Most of the email threads originnated from the Ergonomotron, and the Lady Who Screams at everyone.

I was in troubel for two main things.

The first thing was, the TV-MA films and also the roomservice pizzas that those danm kids ordered in the hotel -- these were flagged by the Acounting Department and they were NOT APROVED and I woud have to pay for them. I was so pissed. It was not my fault. The Lady Who Screams at Everyone wrote a responce to the note, (c.c.'ing the whole danm world) that "I shoud of exorcised fiscal prudence" but did not mention that I was sharin a room with anyone.

The next thing I was in truobel for was "stealing" an idea. Do you remmember I had a great moneymaking idea? The one about laying a peice of see-through papper on a computer screen, that you write on? That the Ergonomotron stole from me, tweaked, and then gave to the female versien of Prince Charles who got credit for it?

It turns out that the idea was alredy used. I wont go into the whole idea but aparantly the people who used the idea was a TV show in the 1950s called Winky Dink.

Aparantly Cyberblop presented the idea at thier very next meeting with a client, and the client laughed there asses off beffore laughin Cyberblop right out of the room.

The second to last note in the thread was The Ergonomotron blaiming ME for submiting a "dumb stolen idea" and the very last note in the thread was this big-ass PDF file from Acounting saying that since I was to blame I shoud be made to return the $1,000 prize that surely I must of received when I came up with the idea.

I return the Rental car

The next morning I stop at the Mini Mart to gas up in order to return the rentol car back to the hotel and who is there but Cathyann who is a girl from our town. (She is a girl and she is my freind but she is NOT my girlfreind).

Anyway she is there with her mothor and her boyfreind Dwain or DuWayne or whatevor the hell his name is; (he is very queit and never says nothin.)

"Look at Walt and his new car!" Cathyann barks in her huskey smoker's voice. It is very much like a Harvey Firestien voice, exept a with a strong Texan accent.

She cups her hands around her eyes and noses up to peer into the car. She is sort of a chubby girl who allways wears scanty tubetops and so she presses her orangey pink exposed shouldors and big meaty mammaries agianst the glass of the cardoor planting onto it a big squishy sweaty spot.

"Looky THAR, Doo-Wayne: I bet thet thar's real Corinthian Leathor."

I explane that its not my car but they alredy know. (Yes thats how small this town is: The most exciting thing to happan is that Walter has a rentol car.)

"Oh, kin we drive back wit you to the hotel?," Cathyann cries, "Purty, purty please?"

I ask her why she wants to go and she says she "never gets to apreciate air conditioning"

Cathyann's mother's car does not have A/C and she is one of these people who thinks it is a rare treat. Meanwhile like I said it was in the 70s and confortable. In fact now that it was raining it was in the 60s. Cathyann her mothor and DuWayne are all sweaty people and I think poor Cathyann was once scarred for life as a child by growing up with a car with no A/C becuase she said to me, "Cool air is a treat. After all this is Texas." And then I said, Yeah, but aftor all its in the damn 60s in freakin Decembor and its and raining."

So they all three climb in the car. I am now comitted to ten hours driving with these people.

I freeze my ass off

I am easilly pushed arround and intimidated. They insist that the AC is on fullblast. Cathyann sits in the back but she is so big she blocks out my rearveiw. She is a big wide girl with a giant face. If you evor saw Disney's Beuty and the Beast she is sort of the same size and dimmensions as the female furniture charactor known as "Wardrobe" who lives in Belle's room.

Cathyann's mothor sits in the frontseat. She is a nice lady who has only two teeth which are on the bottom and stick up like fangs on eithor side of her jaws and allways wears a housedress with nothin on underneath it no mattor how cold it is. Once or twice while walkin arround Main Street in town Ive seen half the housedress blowed up her asscrack.

Right now her bare knees are planted on the dash and the AC is billowing up the housedress fabric which she is holdin down with a chubby fist on each knee. Looking ovor to me as I drive she shoots me a an almost toothless purpley grin and says, "Dat feel purty!"

For the whole ride Cathyann is yammering on. While Duwayne nevor says a danm word she is very talkative. Poor Dwaine slept most of the time. The only time he talked was to say that his "chest hurted" and so we had to stop for Tums. Cathyann has a rasping barky seal voice and a husky laugh that somtimes graites on your nerves in an enclosed space.

We stop for lunch

We pass a tavern that they once ate at and Cathyann and her mom beg me to stop there. This turned out to be a misteak. We freakin wasted 2 hours there. Betwean the four of us we had six orders of spicy Buffolo wings plus 3 pitchors of beer and then Catheyann and her mom start doing shots.

I did not drink nothin cause I was the designated drivor. And when they were nice and drunk us two men sat there while the two ladeis ordered the Texas Size Onion loaf. In case you dont know what that is they get a pile of cut up onoins the size of four housebricks and then they soak it in wallpaper paste (or what seems) and deepfry it till its dark brown with serve it with hotsauce. They have Regulor Size, Jumbo, Extra Jumbo and Texas size which is the bigest size of all.

There all drunk

On the way back to the car Cathyann was stumbolin arround the gravel parkin lot. The sun was not shining but it was actualy cold and she said, "I cain't wait to git back in that A/C -- looky here Walt," and when I turned arround she pulled up her tubetop and (Yuck) flashed me.

"Walt saw yer titties," Duwayne said with no emotion at all. He was breathin heavy cause he was ovorweight and ate and drank too much also.

"Ah need me more Tums," he said. Then they all piled in the car and we drove off.

Then the farting started. I think Cathyann's mothor began it. She was fluffin her damn housedress up.

"Pardon," she said politely aftor each silent dischardge.

"Damn, momma what done crawl't up your ass an' died?" Cathyann chortoled.

"Such language ain't ladylike," her maw said.

"Oh yeh? Then how bout THIS?" and then Cathyann leaned far to the side to put her head on her boyfreind's chest and lifted one giant ham up and withuot her boyfreind even flinching let this monstrousley loud thing go that sounded like a chainsaw that had run out of that speciel red oil you allways have to put in them.

"Oh I am sorry. I am sorry. Damn! Open the window, Walt!" Cathyann screamed.

I screammed back, "I haveto return this damn car!! Its a rentol!"

"Caint open the window, dear," Cathyann's mother said, "Not with the Air conditionor on."

Cathyann apollogizes.

She said that she was rippin ass drunk and she didnt mean for that last bomb to of been so bad.

"I don't know if y'all know this, but I belong to the Secret Ladies Society of the Flatulotta," and then she huffed and pufed in her barky seal laugh.

"But serious, y'all: If I must be gassy," she added, "I'll keep 'em silent."

Yeah right. As if THAT'S doin me a favor. I tell you I was hapily looking foward to driving the 5 hours home in a 1970 Dodge Dart with one of the back windows blowed out.

Back at the hotel

When we get to the hotel my car (actualy Granfather's car) was in the parkin lot but it had a boot on it.

I went in the hotel to complaine and they said that my car was only listed there on the days I was stayin at the hotel. I had to pay $60 and then anothor $65 for the boot fee.

I was so danm pissed. Then Cathyann folows us into the hotel lobby and wandors up stumboling to the giftshop and I had to keep her steady, as her big wide treetrunk-sized dimply thighs jiggoled beneath her hotpants like giant wobbly columns of peach Jello.

"Buy me some moist towelettes with aloe, Walt. I done forced a kidney out back there in the car and I need a clean wipe." The consierge heard her say it and they told us to please leave.

"Yeh, well me and my momma are using yer damn restroom first."

Cathyann was so extremly drunk.

"Y'all got one o'them bigass handycap toilets? Cause I'm purty wasted, an' if y'all want a hunnert percent to hit the water, y'all gonna have to have somthin for me to grab hold of."

Then we coudnt find Duwaine. Finaly I see him huffin and puffin across the parkin lot from a packege store at the othor end and he had one 12-pack of Budwiesor on his shoulder and anothor in his hand. Dwaine coundt of been more than 29 years old or so but he was not in good shape.

"They wuz $4.49 each," he wheezed stumbling up.

"You are NOT goingto drink those beers while Im drivin," I said.

"Oh hush Wally, them pitchers of suds at the spicy wing place was all watered down," Cathyann said.

"B'sides, we NEED more beer, it's hottern'n hell today. Why, we done got the A/C on high blast the whole trip."

I am not good at standin up for myself and so I coudnt stop all 3 of them from poppin open and suckin down those coldies the whole trip. Also i was pissed cause nobody is aloud to call me 'Wally'.

It was a horroble ride back