Walter Miller's Homepage

"Success is a great liar"
-- Nietzsche

the Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update

Page 15 of 24


Every 20 minnuts we had to stop.

It was becuase they drank and ate so much. First Cathyann had to pee. Next her mothor had to pee. Next Duwayne needed more Tums. He sure was eatin a hell of a lot of those tums. Then Cathyann made anothor huge fart and as an imeddiate result we had to quickley find a drugstore or somthing to get more moist towolettes with aloe cause (in her own words) she had a little old fashoined trouser chili going on.

More peeing - I haveto keep pullin the car over on the shoulder

"We ladies sure are sprinklin the lillies alot today," Cathyanns mom said as I stood nervuosly beside the parked car looking strait down at the two women urinating in a cement ravine as they looked up at me biting there lips.

"Please avert your eyes as we do our bidness," said the older one.

I said, "I apologgize Ma'am I just dont want to see you fall and break your ass."

"Its the watery beer whut's doin' it," Cathyann barked noisily, her voice booming extra loud from the echo of the four foot high stormdrain pipe that ran under the freeway. A small armadillo scramboled out from a undor pile of dry leaves to escape her steaming stream and got the hell out of there.

"No, it's muh DAAH-beatus," said the mothor.

"Yep, thet DAAH-beatus," said the daughtor, "I'm pissin' like a bitch mare so I must have it too, Momma."

A new word

They must of just learnt abuot Diabeates. They were sayin it ovor and ovor so there were six sylabills in it:
"DAHyuh-huh-huh-BEAT --us.

"Sure makes you pee allot."

When she was finished peeing Cathyann gripped her knees with her elbows, her pants still down arround her ankles, still squatting and in heavy clomping steps drunkenly backed into the storm drain entrence with her big white bare freckled ass halfway pointed in.

"Lissen Walt, I'm fartin loud like Grampa!...Love that big loud echo...Wait! I got another one!....Wait...Come down an' git me Dooowaine, I cain't stand up!"

The last time we had to pull ovor to pee it was for Cathanns mothor and she was so drunk she didnt make it to the cottenwood thicket beyond the cattle ditch and insted just squattad on the shouldor of the freeway for all the passing vehicols to see. A big semi barroled past and whipped her danm housedress ovor her head. Of cource she was still peeing and so with the force of the wind it flew upword and splashed on my face.

More Tums

This was not even the worst part of the trip. Finaly when we were just an hour from home we passed the tavern where we stopped in the first place. Dont you know it they wanted to stop there agian, for supper.

I said NO. Howevor there was realy no places to eat and it was gettin quite late and so I gave in and pulled into the lot. Duwaine said he wanted more Tums. The ladies went in to get a table while us two drove across the street to gas up the car. (As if it wasnt GASSED UP ENUOGH).

After filling the tank, I bought some Tums at the gas station. Then we drove back across the street to the tavern. I parked the car. Then I noticed Duwayne was sort of stairing at me in the rearveiw mirror. He was just starin at me. He was probly pissed at me for somthing. Mabye it was cause I was smooching with Cathyann once or twice a few months back. But that was while the two of them were in a period of not dating. Or mabye cause I hollered at them not to bring beer in the car. He kept stairin at me. He was a big heavy guy and coud probly kick my ass. But me and him allways got along OK. Then I reallized what was going on. He was dead.

Well this was worce than him kickin my ass. This was the worst part of the trip. I went in the back of the car and poked him a few times. Then I blew on his open eye. He was still as a post. I was very nervuos and histericol and started cryin. I had to go inside the tavorn and tell them.

"Damn-diddly DAY - umm, I heard Cathyann muttor from inside the swinging saloon-style restroom doors marked 'COWGALS'.

"I thought alls I had was a big ole soft poo but this y'hear's all beer suds comin' out...Momma roll yer little girl thet thar extra roll I saw settin' on the sink....DAYum onion loaf, is whut."

I coudnt help but bust in on 'em all histericol and tell them what hapened. Then I ran out to the bartender and told them to call the cops or somthin.

Cathyann started shreikin and screamin and her mothor was also bawling.

A dream was now shattored

I wrote in a prior update abuot how Cathyann dated Dwayine a while back and broke up with him and then (Yuck) her mother dated him and then THEY broke and up, then Cathyann was dating him agian. They all three already had plans to tape a segment of The Jenny Jones Show called "Mothers And Dauhgters Sharing Lovers and Loving It" that they were real excited about because this was there dream where they'd get to travol to Chicago and make $2,500 for tellin there story on TV. But now there dream was gone.

"And there realy werent nothing disgusting about it," Cathyann had wrote me in an elated email shortley after the Jenny Jones prodducers booked them on the show, "Being that me and Momma wasnt dating him AT THE SAME TIME." (emphasiss hers).

Gawkors and Onlookers

People being people due to human nature as you coud imagine, at that moment the tavern emptied out in abbout one second as the crowd spilt into the parkin lot to flock all arround Granfather's car to see the poor courpse sittin up there lookin strait ahead with a half drunk Bud in one hand and a half ate roll of Tums in the othor while in the distence you coud hear poor Cathyann wailing Duuuwayinne!!

Sombody called the anbulance

We had to go to the Sherifs department in that town and make a statement. There is some law where a coronor or somone is suposed to examine the car if somone died in it of naturol causes undor suspiciuos circumstances.

This was considored "suspicouis" because he was only like, 27 years old and there were 2 women in the car whod been "involved" with him, and two men in the car (including the deseaced) whod at one time been involved with one of the womon, (Cathyann, who I once went on a date with a few times -- and as you know, I made out with her. But we never went 'all the way'. I only did it because I am lonely and desperate. Yuck.)

Also 3 of the 4 people in the car were very drunk.

They removed all of the items from the whole car includin the trunk and examined it.

Thank God I tossed out all the empties at the last rest stop. You are not alloud to drink beer in a moving car or a parked car on private proporty that's not your own, and the only persen who was actualy cought holding an open container was Duwayne and like, they werent gonna give HIM a ticket.

"This car smells," one of the two coronor guys said.

"That's because the subject expelled his bowols upon demise," said the second one, "Don't you know NOTHIN, Luther?"

"Yes I do," said the second Coroner guy, "But even still this car SMELLS, like someone was cartin farm manure in it."

The smell was from years of Granfather's ass ingrained on the uppoulstry. I guess you HAD to be drunk to drive as a passengor in the car to tolorate it.

I make a falce statement on the police report

Well it was only a small lie that had nothin to do with the death. The Granp Caddy was in the trunk and they asked me what it was for, and I said it was for our dogs. I coud not admit that I actualy put my own grandfather in there, (not out of cruelty but on humaine grounds and doctor's ordors.)

The Vehicle Inventory Interveiw was the most unpleasent part of the whole thing.

I wasnt undor arrest, but they drove me to the Sheriffs office in a police car. I was interviewed by a very smart Coronor who was in the busines allot of years, a big old skinny man and he talked very slow with a drawly twang like the type you hear at the far western part of the state.

They did it in one of those pale green painted interroggation rooms. Also they had a tape recordor on. The whole interveiw was exactley right out of a scene from N.Y.P.D. Blue exept none of the cops hit me, and of course aftor the interoggation there were no fleeting and gratuitously nude portrayols of Ricky Shroeder's ass. Here is a portion of the trasncript:

CORONOR: AND YOU SAID THAT THIS ITEM IS A PET CARRIER?

WMILLER: YES SIR.

CORONOR: YOU SAID A CARRIER FOR DOGS. AND SOMETIMES GOATS.

WMILLER: YES SIR.

CORONOR: MAY I ASK YOU, WHY ARE THERE TOYS IN THIS PET CARRIER?

WMILLER: UM, BECAUSE [PAUSE] MY DOGS WANT TO PLAY?

CORONOR: IS THAT A QUESTION?

WMILLER: WHAT?

CORONOR: BECAUSE I AM THE ONE ASKING THE QUESTIONS.

WMILLER: OK. I AM SORRY.

CORONOR: BECAUSE RUBBER PULL TOYS, LIKE THESE HERE, I CAN SEE. [PAUSE].

WMILLER: UM, OK.

CORONOR: BUT A HAND-HELD COMPUTER POKER GAME? AND A RADIO? THERE IS A RADIO INSIDE THIS PET CARRIER.

WMILLER: UM, MABYE IT'S IN THERE BY ACCIDENT.

CORONOR: THEN WHY IS IT GLUED TO THE INSIDE OF THE PET CARRIER?

WMILLER: I DON'T KNOW.

CORONOR: SAY WHAT?

WMILLER: I DON'T KNOW.

CORONOR: WE FOUND OTHER ITEMS IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR. WHAT IS THIS ITEM?

WMILLER: IT'S A LAPTOP COMPUTER.

CORONOR: AND THESE SMALLER BAGS INSIDE, WHAT'S IN THEM?

WMILLER: UM, PLUGS AND WIRES AND THINGS FOR THE LAPTOP.

CORONOR: REALLY? THIS ONE HAS SOME WIRES, BUT ALSO LIPSTICK, AND LADY'S MAKEUP. THIS ONE HAS SOME COMPUTER DISKS, BUT ALSO A PACKAGE OF 'TODAY' CONTRACEPTIVE SPONGES, WITH AN EXPIRATION DATE OF JUNE 1997. AND THIS IS A LADY'S DIAPHRAGM.

WMILLER: A WHAT? [PAUSE] UM, THOSE ARE MY BOSS'S.

CORONOR: THIS IS YOUR BOSS'S LAPTOP COMPUTER?

WMILLER: YES.

CORONOR: YOUR BOSS IS A WOMAN?

WMILLER: YES.

CORONOR: DO YOU KNOW WHAT A LADY'S DIAPHRAGM IS?

WMILLER: UM. A LADY PUTS IT IN HER BRA? [PAUSE] NO I DON'T KNOW.

CORONOR: WHAT IS THIS?

WMILLER: UM, THAT IS A STOOL SAMPLE

CORONOR: A STOOL SAMPLE? MAY I GUESS? YOUR BOSS'S STOOL SAMPLE?

WMILLER: NO SIR, MY GRANDFATHER'S. SEE OUR ADDRESS IS ON IT.

CORONOR: THE LABEL SAYS 'STOOL SAMPLE' BUT IT IS IN A BAG THAT SAYS 'BIOHAZARD'. IS YOUR GRANDFATHER'S STOOL A BIOHAZARD?

WMILLER: UM, THEY RAN OUT OF REGULAR LABELS AT THE H.M.O.

CORONOR: ALRIGHT MR. MILLER, I JUST HAVE TO ASK YOU ABOUT THIS SITUATION WITH THE RADIO. THAT IS REALLY BOTHERING ME.

WMILLER: OK.

CORONOR: WHY IN HEAVEN IS THERE A RADIO WHICH IS SET ON AN ALL-TALK NEWS CHANNEL GLUED INSIDE A METAL BRACKET AND SECURED BY SCREWS TO THE INSIDE OF A PET CARRIER?

WMILLER: UM. [PAUSE]

CORONOR: BECAUSE DOGS AND GOATS DO NOT LISTEN TO THE RADIO.

WMILLER: UM.

CORONOR: WHY IN HEAVEN IS IT HERE?

WMILLER: UM. BECAUSE I AM A JERK.

Notice how when they asked me, "IS YOUR GRANDFATHER'S STOOL A BIOHAZARD?" I didnt say "NO" insted I said somthin about how they ran out of labels. I did not technicaly lie because I did not answor the question. You know I am glad i was able to watch the whole Clinton Grandjury Testimony cause I learned allot.

They finaly let me go home at midnight.