"Success is a great liar"-- Nietzsche
Page 15 of 24
"Please avert your eyes as we do our bidness," said the older one.
I said, "I apologgize Ma'am I just dont want to see you fall and break your ass."
"Its the watery beer whut's doin' it," Cathyann barked noisily, her voice booming extra loud from the echo of the four foot high stormdrain pipe that ran under the freeway. A small armadillo scramboled out from a undor pile of dry leaves to escape her steaming stream and got the hell out of there.
"No, it's muh DAAH-beatus," said the mothor.
"Yep, thet DAAH-beatus," said the daughtor, "I'm pissin' like a bitch mare so I must have it too, Momma."
"Sure makes you pee allot."
When she was finished peeing Cathyann gripped her knees with her elbows, her pants still down arround her ankles, still squatting and in heavy clomping steps drunkenly backed into the storm drain entrence with her big white bare freckled ass halfway pointed in.
"Lissen Walt, I'm fartin loud like Grampa!...Love that big loud echo...Wait! I got another one!....Wait...Come down an' git me Dooowaine, I cain't stand up!"
The last time we had to pull ovor to pee it was for Cathanns mothor and she was so drunk she didnt make it to the cottenwood thicket beyond the cattle ditch and insted just squattad on the shouldor of the freeway for all the passing vehicols to see. A big semi barroled past and whipped her danm housedress ovor her head. Of cource she was still peeing and so with the force of the wind it flew upword and splashed on my face.
I said NO. Howevor there was realy no places to eat and it was gettin quite late and so I gave in and pulled into the lot. Duwaine said he wanted more Tums. The ladies went in to get a table while us two drove across the street to gas up the car. (As if it wasnt GASSED UP ENUOGH).
After filling the tank, I bought some Tums at the gas station. Then we drove back across the street to the tavern. I parked the car. Then I noticed Duwayne was sort of stairing at me in the rearveiw mirror. He was just starin at me. He was probly pissed at me for somthing. Mabye it was cause I was smooching with Cathyann once or twice a few months back. But that was while the two of them were in a period of not dating. Or mabye cause I hollered at them not to bring beer in the car. He kept stairin at me. He was a big heavy guy and coud probly kick my ass. But me and him allways got along OK. Then I reallized what was going on. He was dead.
Well this was worce than him kickin my ass. This was the worst part of the trip. I went in the back of the car and poked him a few times. Then I blew on his open eye. He was still as a post. I was very nervuos and histericol and started cryin. I had to go inside the tavorn and tell them.
"Damn-diddly DAY - umm, I heard Cathyann muttor from inside the swinging saloon-style restroom doors marked 'COWGALS'.
"I thought alls I had was a big ole soft poo but this y'hear's all beer suds comin' out...Momma roll yer little girl thet thar extra roll I saw settin' on the sink....DAYum onion loaf, is whut."
I coudnt help but bust in on 'em all histericol and tell them what hapened. Then I ran out to the bartender and told them to call the cops or somthin.
Cathyann started shreikin and screamin and her mothor was also bawling.
"And there realy werent nothing disgusting about it," Cathyann had wrote me in an elated email shortley after the Jenny Jones prodducers booked them on the show, "Being that me and Momma wasnt dating him AT THE SAME TIME." (emphasiss hers).
This was considored "suspicouis" because he was only like, 27 years old and there were 2 women in the car whod been "involved" with him, and two men in the car (including the deseaced) whod at one time been involved with one of the womon, (Cathyann, who I once went on a date with a few times -- and as you know, I made out with her. But we never went 'all the way'. I only did it because I am lonely and desperate. Yuck.)
Also 3 of the 4 people in the car were very drunk.
"This car smells," one of the two coronor guys said.
"That's because the subject expelled his bowols upon demise," said the second one, "Don't you know NOTHIN, Luther?"
"Yes I do," said the second Coroner guy, "But even still this car SMELLS, like someone was cartin farm manure in it."
The smell was from years of Granfather's ass ingrained on the uppoulstry. I guess you HAD to be drunk to drive as a passengor in the car to tolorate it.
They did it in one of those pale green painted interroggation rooms. Also they had a tape recordor on. The whole interveiw was exactley right out of a scene from N.Y.P.D. Blue exept none of the cops hit me, and of course aftor the interoggation there were no fleeting and gratuitously nude portrayols of Ricky Shroeder's ass. Here is a portion of the trasncript:
Notice how when they asked me, "IS YOUR GRANDFATHER'S STOOL A BIOHAZARD?" I didnt say "NO" insted I said somthin about how they ran out of labels. I did not technicaly lie because I did not answor the question. You know I am glad i was able to watch the whole Clinton Grandjury Testimony cause I learned allot.
CORONOR: AND YOU SAID THAT THIS ITEM IS A PET CARRIER?
WMILLER: YES SIR.
CORONOR: YOU SAID A CARRIER FOR DOGS. AND SOMETIMES GOATS.
WMILLER: YES SIR.
CORONOR: MAY I ASK YOU, WHY ARE THERE TOYS IN THIS PET CARRIER?
WMILLER: UM, BECAUSE [PAUSE] MY DOGS WANT TO PLAY?
CORONOR: IS THAT A QUESTION?
CORONOR: BECAUSE I AM THE ONE ASKING THE QUESTIONS.
WMILLER: OK. I AM SORRY.
CORONOR: BECAUSE RUBBER PULL TOYS, LIKE THESE HERE, I CAN SEE. [PAUSE].
WMILLER: UM, OK.
CORONOR: BUT A HAND-HELD COMPUTER POKER GAME? AND A RADIO? THERE IS A RADIO INSIDE THIS PET CARRIER.
WMILLER: UM, MABYE IT'S IN THERE BY ACCIDENT.
CORONOR: THEN WHY IS IT GLUED TO THE INSIDE OF THE PET CARRIER?
WMILLER: I DON'T KNOW.
CORONOR: SAY WHAT?
WMILLER: I DON'T KNOW.
CORONOR: WE FOUND OTHER ITEMS IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR. WHAT IS THIS ITEM?
WMILLER: IT'S A LAPTOP COMPUTER.
CORONOR: AND THESE SMALLER BAGS INSIDE, WHAT'S IN THEM?
WMILLER: UM, PLUGS AND WIRES AND THINGS FOR THE LAPTOP.
CORONOR: REALLY? THIS ONE HAS SOME WIRES, BUT ALSO LIPSTICK, AND LADY'S MAKEUP. THIS ONE HAS SOME COMPUTER DISKS, BUT ALSO A PACKAGE OF 'TODAY' CONTRACEPTIVE SPONGES, WITH AN EXPIRATION DATE OF JUNE 1997. AND THIS IS A LADY'S DIAPHRAGM.
WMILLER: A WHAT? [PAUSE] UM, THOSE ARE MY BOSS'S.
CORONOR: THIS IS YOUR BOSS'S LAPTOP COMPUTER?
CORONOR: YOUR BOSS IS A WOMAN?
CORONOR: DO YOU KNOW WHAT A LADY'S DIAPHRAGM IS?
WMILLER: UM. A LADY PUTS IT IN HER BRA? [PAUSE] NO I DON'T KNOW.
CORONOR: WHAT IS THIS?
WMILLER: UM, THAT IS A STOOL SAMPLE
CORONOR: A STOOL SAMPLE? MAY I GUESS? YOUR BOSS'S STOOL SAMPLE?
WMILLER: NO SIR, MY GRANDFATHER'S. SEE OUR ADDRESS IS ON IT.
CORONOR: THE LABEL SAYS 'STOOL SAMPLE' BUT IT IS IN A BAG THAT SAYS 'BIOHAZARD'. IS YOUR GRANDFATHER'S STOOL A BIOHAZARD?
WMILLER: UM, THEY RAN OUT OF REGULAR LABELS AT THE H.M.O.
CORONOR: ALRIGHT MR. MILLER, I JUST HAVE TO ASK YOU ABOUT THIS SITUATION WITH THE RADIO. THAT IS REALLY BOTHERING ME.
CORONOR: WHY IN HEAVEN IS THERE A RADIO WHICH IS SET ON AN ALL-TALK NEWS CHANNEL GLUED INSIDE A METAL BRACKET AND SECURED BY SCREWS TO THE INSIDE OF A PET CARRIER?
WMILLER: UM. [PAUSE]
CORONOR: BECAUSE DOGS AND GOATS DO NOT LISTEN TO THE RADIO.
CORONOR: WHY IN HEAVEN IS IT HERE?
WMILLER: UM. BECAUSE I AM A JERK.