Walter Miller's Homepage

"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal"
-- Tolstoy

the Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update

Page 16 of 24


As I was leaving I ovorheard the man who was interveiwing me tell 2 of the sheriffs that I was, quote, "A fool", and his years of expereince told him surely no suspicion was needed, all my stupiddity nonwithstanding. This was because of the fact that poor Duwayne actualy died of a heartattack.

Cathyann and her mother treid to get the coroner or somone to give them some valiums but they coudnt get them as both were drunk. The town where the tavern that had the spicy wings where Duwaiyne died had a ministry for the needy and a family from a locol church let the 2 ladies sleep there for that night.

I drove home alone cause I had to freakin go to work the next day. And it was very spooky cause somone just died in our car.

One bright spot

When I came home Granfather was rathor well-behaved. It was 1:30 AM. Junior was alseep on the couch while the othor pet carrier, (the steel wire one that Granfather was still in), was pushed up toword the TV.

There was a Hefty bag of videotapes sprauwled on the floor. Granfather was actualy watching a child's cartoon. It was "Arthur" the morallistic cartoon aardvark from PBS who has the snappey theme song that is sung by Ziggy Marley.

As Ive said Granfather has thuosands of videottapes going back atleast 10 years. Two of our barns plus the tobaco shed are filled with tapes. The old basterd tapes everything. We have two VCRs under the TV set and one is allways taping stuff. Somtimes the old basterd makes a misteak and actualy videotapes the danm tape he is watching.

"YOU KIN GO ON AN' WAKE JUNIOR IF YOU PLEASE TO ASK HIM," said Granfather.

"BUT HE'LL TELL YOU THE SAME AS I WILL: I'D BEEN BEHAIVIN' MUHSEFF AS A GOOD BWAH."

Granfather was silent for a second and then spoke agian, puffin on a Lucky Strike and pointing his crooked fingor out of the cage at the TV.

"BWAH. ARTHUR'S FRIEND FRANCINE. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHUT NOTICED SHE DONE LOOKS LIKE THE SPHINX OF EGYPT WITH THE NOSE BROKE OFF?"

All of a suddon I started cryin. I blubbored out that Duwaine died in our car and that I discovored it and I had to go to she sheriffs office. I was cryin and cryin and woke up Junior with all the noise I made and poor Junior started cryin also and said, "Whut'd I do wrong? Whut'd I do wrong? Oh, Lordy!"

Granfather asked me to tell him what hapenned. As I spoke, the old heavily shadowed basterd looked out at me gloomily through the steel wire bars of the cage as I described the details, scowling glum and hopeless like one of those sad elderly terminolly ill zoo monkeys that knows sign launguage who was just told by his trainor that he was about to get the dreadded Last Final Needle tomorow morning right into his silver haired ass.

"AH AM DEEPLY SORRY, BWAH....

"PORE, PORE DUWAYNE, AN' CATHYANN AND HER PORE OLD MAW.

"AH'LL TELL Y'ALL WHUT: AH INTEND TO PUSSONALLY ATTEND THE FUNERAL SERVICE."

And then Junior said, "But Grampy, you ain't ALOUD in church!"

Yes, that is true.

Granfather causes probloms where ever he goes and that includes church. Not that he was ever a regulor churchgoer to begin with. But ovor the years Granfather has been politely told not to atend a number of churches. Some of the reasens why: Not wanting to change from being sinfull and also being disrupptive and abusive and not stopping smoking and spittin tobbacco juice and farting loud on purpose durin the sermon.

Also, once or twice stealing from the colection plate. Granfather has this scam where he grabs a fistfull of small bills and exclaims loudley, "I'M JEST GITTIN CHANGE FER THE TWENNY I PUT IN LAST WEEK."

Yeah right. Lying bastord.

One church does not allow Granfather in becuase they have a rule about "no animals" exept for seeing eye dogs, and perhaps pets are alloud in on the one day of the year they bless animals.

This particulor group views the Granfather as some sort of anomallous prehuman or perhaps proto human, (and therefore non human) simian ape. And as you know if youre a beast rathor than man you canot be redeemed by religion.

The church I am talkin about had to actualy rewrite their Charter of Beleifs to reluctantly concede that the only way to legally ban the gristly evil monster from entering their doors was to force themselves to admit that Evolution in fact had to be true. Probly a small price to pay to keep him out. Even still on the day they bless animols I bet they still woudnt of let the old basterd in.

Heading to the bathroom of our trailer to wash the tears off my face I tripped ovor somthing heavy and solid yet moist and meaty that coght my foot and sent me sprauwling headlong down the hall so the metal eyepatch popped off and rolled like a bottolcap across the floor.

"WHUPS, SORRY. I DONE TRIED TO BE A VERY GOOD BWAH, BUT I MADE ONE MISTAKE.

Oh yuck, now aftor the traummatizattion of finding a caddaver in my car, (with the unfortunnate and ghastley concession of it not being GRANFATHER's courpse) there was now a giant crap on the floor I had to clean up.

Skip the next parragraph if you dont want the details

It was inexplicably squarish and taller and higher than it was wide, and sort of the size, weihgt and dimmensions of a car baterry. How somthin like this can come out of his ass withuot splitting him in two is beyond me. My shoe and sock were both stuck in the top, and both pulled off when I stepped in and tripped by. The oddest thing about Granfather's "creations" is that somtimes the really big ones are not as bad as the little tiny toxic potent ones. For exampel, this big mountian wasnt as poisonous as the little feller who almost blinded me in one eye the othor day. That thing woud of ate thruogh the aluminum trailor floor. Alls this one needed was a whole lot of paper towels and bleach.

I shot a mean glance to Granfather who looked back at me as sheepishley as his cobralike yellow eyes coud be. It was only then I noticed the hole he'd chewed thruogh the metal bars for himself in order to wriggol out and do the dirty deed. Yes Granfather can chew thruogh steel.

"I DONE SNUCK OUT WHEN JUNIOR WAS SLEEPIN, THEN DID MAH BIDNESS, THEN SNUCK BACK IN."

I answored him, "Then how can you say you were a GOOD boy when you do somthing like this?"

"DAGNABBIT, THAT STANKY THING SMELLS , BWAH!," the old basterd whined, "AH DIDN'T WANT IT LOCKED IN THIS HERE DAWG CAGE WIT ME!"

"That thing is horroble!" I said.

"WHUT'S HORROBLE IS THET YOU DONE CRUSHED A LITTLE FLOURISH I DONE PUT ON THE TOP!," Granfather was now screammin at the top of his lungs, " IT WERE PURTY, AND CURLY, AND WEREN'T EASY, AND YER GOLLDANG SHOE DONE SQUARSHED IT!"

"I am not going to argue with you, Granfather."

The old basterd got sheepish agian and said, "OH, YER RIGHT BOY. WHY, IF 'ARTHUR' WERE HERE, HE'D AGREE THAT I WUZ BEING A BIT INCONSIDERATE."

Now, please tell me where'd you put your danm diaper?," I replied, noticing for the first time his dreadfull nakedness.

"JUNIOR, DON'T!", I shreiked just as our poor freind, who is always hot and sweaty, picked up off his lap what he thoght was his hankerchiff and broadly mopped his brow like he was spreading tahini on a pita.

Junior looked up at me shaocked sad and encrusted and said, "Please, one o' y'all hit me on muh haid with a ballpeen hammer or sumptin so I wont REMEMBER this."

Later on both me and Junoir had to agree that compared to his true usual nature, Granfather's behavoir that night was realy kind of mild compaired to what he's capable of and was probly closer to "harmless mischeif" on his part rathor than the true sadistic evil which is more often the case.

The cone goes back on

Granfather was rubbing his scraggly neck and shouldors agianst the metal as well. Granfather's grislty bristly neck has so many hairs and hard knobby boils on it he can actualy dig a burrow for himself in hardpack drought-level soil. And over time he can grate and sand down any surface by rubbin his disgousting scraggly shouldors on it. We have a cardboard cone that the animal doctor put on him once so he woudnt lick and bite at his stiches. We keep it in the back closet. I opened the door of the cage, and Junior helped me attach it to Granfather's reppulsive neck with electricol tape.

"BWAH: I DONE WATCHED FORTY-ONE EPISODES OF 'ARTHUR' -- AS A REWARD, KIN I WATCH 'SEX AND THE CITY' ON HBO?"

I said, "No sexy shows, and no foolin around with women. You have to get better!"

He put his head down forlornley. "GRAMPY WANTS TO GET BETTER," he said.

"I KNOWS THET THE ROAD TO WELLNESS IS A LONG BUMPY HARD ONE...AND THAT, HEH-HEH, IF I EVER WANTS TO ONCE AGIAN EMPLOY MAH 'LONG BUMPY HARD..."
...and beffore he coud finish the sentence I said, "Dont say it Granfather."

I need time off work for the Funeral