Walter Miller's Homepage

We were disfuntionol before "disfunctional" was cool.

the Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update

Page 21 of 24


"AH DONE FELL IN THE BOWL! MAH ASS! MAH ASS!

"MAH GOLLDANG CONSARN ASS DONE FELL IN THE DAGNAB SUMBITCH BOWL!"

Quickley I ran in, and grabbed the old basterd by one of his scraggly arms to keep him from falling further. He thrashed bit and and howled like a wet weasel cought in a gutter drain exept it was louder and he smelled more. I stuck my head out the window and called to my boss, who was just goin down the wood stairs of our tiny porch.

"That man is Junior," I said to her, pointing to the flatfooted fatuous bumpkin now tromping out of the barn flatfootedly and in a trail of green steyrofoam peanuts, "Please ask him to pop the trunk of my car so you coud get your stuff."

Granfather realy was stuck prety bad.

Its hard to imagine somones ass bein so skinny that it coud get cought in the 3 or 4 inch hollow at the bottom of a toilet but this is not the first time it hapened. The problem is that my danm boss took the old basterd's seat ring off the bowl when she wanted to press her hams on it to pee and DID NOT PUT IT BACK.

And thats why he fell in.

I hate pullin him out

There is nothin more unpleasent than pullin Granfather off the bowl when he falls in. Id rather lance boils off his ass with a strait pin I swear it. Why? Becase I have to put my hands under his armpits and pull. His face is close to mine and he screamms very loud. Also he claws and slaps at me heaping loud murderrous threats and verbol abuse at me and digs his hourny toenails into me. I do not like any of it. Especialy the verbol abuse and names he calls me because I am strouggling with a poorselfimage problem.

Also every time Granfather spoke to me he screammed and spit and poked me. His normol speaking voice sounds like a roomfull of small animals being tortured. When he screams it is absolutly baldfacedly teriffying. I was upset and cryin.

"HOW COUD YOU LET ME FALL IN?" he screamed.

"My boss did it. She had to piss and she took your potty seat off."

"WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH A DUMB BOSS?"

"Because i am a jerk."

"WHY WAS SHE PISSIN HERE?"

"Because she came to pick up her laptop."

"OH YEH? WHY THE HELL YOU GOT HER LAPTOP? WHAR'S YOUR LAPTOP?"

"Its busted cause YOU crapped on it!" I said and by this time i was not only sobbing and bawling but blubboring and hyporventillating. Granfather paused to let this fact sink in. He pefforms so much evil he canot keep track of it all.

He thought for a moment and replied, "YOU BET'CHER ASS I DONE I CRAPPED ON IT! KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE YOU'RE UGLY!"

I said to him, "Granfather, callin me 'ugly' is not good. They told us in family therapy your suposed to HELP my poorselfimage."

"ALRIGHTY, THEN, HERE'S SOME HELP -- DON'T LOOK IN THE DANM MIRROR!" and then he started laughin "BWAH-HAH-HAH-HAHAAAh!"

Finaly I pulled the old basterd out. One of his ass cheeks was in the toilet trap hole and it caused an airlock that made a giant cork like pop when he came loose. As Granfather stood there on wobboly legs forcing me to (Yuck) rub cream on his sore butt he started taunting me about my cartoon project. He told me that he wanted all artistic cartoon reppresentations of him OFF THE WEBSITE or else he'd sue me for slandor.

"I DON'T LIKE MY PART OF THE DEAL!" he snarled.

"TELL THEM FANCY NEW YORK ENTERTAINMENT LAWYERS TO CALL ME. I WANT A BIGGER PIECE O'THE ACTION.

AND UNTIL THEN: NO GRAMPY PICTURES ON HIS HEAH WEBSITE." Then Granfather made fun of me and taunted me.

"MISTER BIG SHOT CARTOON CREATOR, EH?" he taunted me. "YOU AND YER 'DISFUNCTIONAL FAMILY CARTOON', EH?", he sneered.

THE NEXT "'MALCOM IN THE MIDDLE', EH?

"HOW'S ABOUT MAH FOOT IN THE MIDDLE O' YO' ASS!"

I was so pissed. The phone rang. I went in the livingroom to get it.

Details on the funerol

It was Cathyann tellin me that the services for Duwayne woud be tomorow night. She insisted that i sit up in the front with her, both in the funerol parlor and in the church service.

"It ain't like a 'date' date, Walt. I still gotta let some time go by 'fore I start up with anothor man."

I told her, "Um, I undorstand conpletely."

When i got off the phone I looked up and reallized that Granfather's ladyfreind was still there. Like I said she looked exactley like she coud be a female version of Al Franken.

By this time the shock of our acidental meeting was gone at last I figuored I shoud at least be polite. Me and her stared at eachother, and then I awkwordly sat in a chair and watched "The P.J.'s" which was still playin on the tape.

After a few silent minuts she finaly broke the silence.

"Now listen to that line," she said, in a deppresing sort of disturbingly masculine monotone, "They made a joke of an adult film called, 'Shaving Private Ryan.'

"Um, yes, I got the joke, Ma'am," I said.

"Don't you think the line would have been funnier if they had called it, 'Shaving Ryan's Privates'?"

"I supose so, ma'am," I said.

Her eyes concentrated on me thruogh her thick Coke-bottle hornrims in a stony quirkey stare. Granfather had picked a REAL winner here. Aftor the show was over I excused myself, to go back in the bathroom to see what was keeping Granfather.

He was soakin his head in laquer thinner. He cannot use ordinery hair setting products. The only way the old basterd's bristly mane will stay in place is with an industriol adhesive.

The evil bastord was no longer in a rage. Actualy he was quite calm. Granfather has this way about him where he changes moods allot.

He looked up at me with his yellow eyes and grinned.

"YOU BEEN TALKIN' TO MAH LADY FREIND ABOUT TV HUMOR?

I nodded.

"I DONE FOUND HER IN A CHATROOM CALLED, 'OVER FIFTY AND CRITICAL OF MODERN TELEVISION COMEDY.'"

"Yeah, she was talkin my ear off," I said sarcaustically.

"WAAL, YOU KNOW WHUT THEY SAY, BWAH: 'SHOW ME A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, AND I'LL SHOW YOU A MAN WHOSE TIRED O'HEARIN HER DANM MOUTH...HEH-HEH-HEH. THAT'S A FUNNY ONE."

"Granfather, that is NOT a beutiful woman," I said and then added with my voice gettin louder, "Remembor what the doctor said about foolin around with women? Is THIS how you want to die?"

"YUP! CAUSE I'D DIE WITH A SMILE OM MY FACE!"

Then a pause went by as I silently thoght to myself, Hell: when Granfather dies, the whole five-county area will have a smile on its face -- and sudenly Granfather wrinkoled his face up like a hotdog left too long in a heatlamp, "NO...NO, NO "NOOO!"

"IT AIN'T HOW I WANT TO DIE! DANM, DANM, DAMN!!
"THE DAMN WOMON IS NEAR AS BUTT UGLY AS ME! BUT I'M DESPERATE!

"DESPERATE, AH TELL YUH! AH'LL SLEEP WITH ANYONE! BWAH-HAH-HAH! BWAH-HAH-HAaaaaaH!"

I said, "Granfather, are you crying?"

"NO. I'M FAKIN' IT. BUT I GOT ONE THING TO SAY TO YOU, BWAH: YOU KIN LIST ON YER WEBSITE THAT I GOT LUCKY. BUT IF YOU SAY HOW UGLY SHE IS, I'LL BEAT YER ASS WIT A FEED SHOVEL TILL YOU AIN'T SO MUCH AS TWITCH NO MORE."

Just then Junoir stumbols in