Walter Miller's Homepage

If it ever gets to TV it will be good I prommise.

the Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update

Page 24 of 24


Oh crap.
I mean, litorally. I took a look at my boss whose face sudenly got this look of suprise on her face. I know that is a redundent sentence, but I am nervuos just typing the words out.

"Oh dear."

The look was almost like she lost a tooth. Which I guess woud serve her right the way she attacked food.

I asked her what is the mattor and she said she didnt feel good. She started chewin slower and slower and the look of suprise turned to one of wonder, like somone thinking out loud, as her eyes travelled all around the room, as her nostrols opened and closed widely and rapidly as the look grew to one of of revullsion, and by the time the eyes stopped traveling and settoled on a fixed gaze upon me, it was a bald white facial expresion of pure panicked fright.

"Oh dear," she repeated.

"WHEL-ter. Now tell me. How long exactly have my diet chocolate bars been sitting in the trunk of your car? They...Well, they just don't taste right"

Her little stumpy dimpoled fingers pushed the uneaten portion toword me.

"YOU take a bite, and tell me if I'm crazy," she said nervuosly and there on the foil wrappor which i noticed for the first time looked sort of thickor than alunimum and more like lead than tinfoil was a giant red E.P.A. aproved stickors that said:

WARNING! * * * CUIDOSO * * * RADIOACTIVE!

I looked up and there quizicolly my froglike boss stared silently back, slightly cocking her head, oddly seeking approvol I thought, her face smeared like some sort of awful South Park episode gone bad, the one where all the L.A. film dirrectors took over their bucolic Colorado town and just before he saved the day and chased them all out they had to give Mister Hanky mouth-to-mouth risussitation.

I wish i coud say i bolted up to vomit but I did not, instead I sat there and blew chow across the white formica table like a bucket of chum being splashed onto the deck of a gulfshrimp trawlor as the last thing i saw before blackin out was the poor woman grab her moulth and keel over. What a danm good time right here and now to end this update.

Eppilog

First off I will say we survived the "Epi-LOG."

Christmas went on as planned and so did the Millenium. My Dad and Stepmother came in for the holiday. So did my brother, sisterinlaw and their kid (my nephew). So did Junoir, Cathyann, her mother and my boss. Also Stu came by.

It was sort of the closest thing we had to a nice Christmas in a long time. No one got shot or stabbed, and no emergencey medicol or Rescue units were dispatched. (Althuogh the Sheriff was called once...no make that twice, when my brothor had Granfather pinned to the laundryroom door with the shotgun pressed on his temple as the beastly monster shreiked and clawed at him but the old basterd deserved it.)

The County Safety department knew that a "whole family" Christmas woud be at our house and so in Standord Yellow Alert Posture a pair of police cruisers with all of its lights silently blazing were parked all night up at the head of the gravol road, on the border of our property and the state route a half-mile up from the trailor; we coud see the lights the whole time, as a warning.

Somthing about the red and blue beacons swishing by the darkness of the prairie all littored with granfather's piles of trash and apliances outside which glinted in the beams of light, as well as all the old basterd's skinny dogs howling in responce made it a merry, allmost festive time.

I treid to put out of sight and mind the trauma of what I witnessed in the kitchenete of Cyberblop on Decembor 23rd. Somtimes circumstances turn out for the bettor: In this case, two people vilently vomiting suggested a food poisoning scare, and so the Cyberblop Annual End of 4th Quarter Holoday Layoffs were cancelled as the building was evacuated and imediatly closed early.

Another (but only half as reppulsive) shock I got was when me and Junior left at arround 8 PM on Christmas eve to get more beer. We went outside and when we opened the door of Granfather's car the inside light went on and there in the backseat was Stu and Cathyann both wearin barely enuogh clothes for one person. They both let out a loud squeal (especialy Stu), and Cathyann sprang out to (you guessed it) pee on the hard clay.

Stu remained in the car, his pendulous porcine male mammaries jiggling nervously as he scramboled around the backseat to find his undorshirt. He pointed to the bloody lovebites on nose with the remark, "Look at this, guys: The girl gives some serious snout."

Later on at the Mini Mart me and Junior ran into The Ergonomotron, who was buyin cigarettes

"So youre alone on Christmas too?" I asked.

"Holidays are frivolous," he sniffed in his fake Eurpean accent which was now restored. We sort of got held up there for 20 minnutes or so while him and Junior discused the mass of steyrofoam peanuts that Junoir now walked arround with stuffed down his pants virtually all the time.

"Yep, my manly giblets feel right nice and percolated. I mean, insulated."

"Fascinating," said the Ergonomotron, "I must try this ergo-solution for myself."

Meanwhile back at the house we had Christmas supper. The meal was a little strained; Cathyann's mothor as I wrote in prior updates is sort of a militant recycling extremist. When shes been drinking allot (which is all the time) she is known to try to grab the danm cans of pop or beer or whatevor it is your drinkin away from you in order to recycle the danm things before youre even friggin finished with them. Two times I thoght my brother was going to smack her toothless cake hole.

Toword the end of supper Stu put an apple in his moulth and shut his eyes tight and layed his head on Junior's plate when he wasnt looking and when poor Junoir turned arround he screamed. It was funnior than it sounds. Evereyone laughed exept Granfather's girlfreind who said she didnt get it.

"MIT DIGNITEE"

We openned presents aftor supper. I am so glad my dad and stepmother came. My folks gave me a check to help me buy a new laptop, since my othor one got ruined. It was the best Christmas present evor. Also I got money to buy a new blazer to wear because I woud be going to allot of business meetings -- to try to get a buyor for my cartoon series.

The only dampor on the evening came when Granfather opened the present my brother and sister-in-law got him.

It was a book and a video shrinkwrapped togethor called "Mit Dignitiee" or somthing; whatever the translation in Dutch is of, "WITH DIGNITY."

It was a big picture book designed for older folks who are startin to go senile, and so the book is written at a simple levol, allmost like a childrens book. It is the story of "Gert" and "Mat," a sad faced old coupel who is gently being encourraged by their adult children to explore the options of voluntery Youthenasia, by which they woud painlessly and to the benefit of their survivors allow themselves to be placed in a gentle and permanant sleep WITH DIGNITY.

On the video, to the strains of soothing piano music, "Gert" and "Mat" visit a clean, safe, non-threatenning looking facility with a pretty tulip garden out front a week befforehand with their son and daughtor and grandkid.

After the visit they and the their now-smiling-for-the-first-time elders go to some fancy restuarant next to a canal, and over some Heinekins and herring they sign some papers while the cute little blond granddaghter is sittin on "Mat's" lap.

At the end of the video (and they dont show this part, but you know what happens), the two old krouts each get a big honkin needle right in the ass.

My sister-inlaw sat close to Granfather on the sofa, cuddling with him allmost if such an unthinkoble thing coud ever be imagined, while her and my brothor read the book aloud, my brother translating the Dutch words off of some index cards while his wife turned the pages.

"Grampy, we love you. Enough to ask you to please consider a gracefull farewell," she said to him, "One with pride, respect, and most of all, 'Mit Dignitiee'."

Granfather's mouth opened wide then colapsed into an angry frown. His hatred toword these two has grown to a fevor pitch and I will write about it in my next update.

Ah yes, my disfunctionol family.

Every time we get togethor it is like another happy meeting of the Reform Party. Also, by the way it looks like my boss not only survived her encountor with having takan a bite of 100 percent Pure Granfather it seems she will lose more weight than she ever dreammed of being that the inside of her mouth was burned so bad her jaw had to be wired shut at least till March. Yes it apears she found the one diet bar that did it. My stepmothor fed the poor womon some Turkey and Broth babyfood for Christmas supper. The two of them sort of hit it off very nicely, which coud be expected since my boss is unable to say a word.

Like I said, after that day when me and her got sick in the kitchenette, Cyberblop was closed down for a week on fears that food poisonning was going around.

Later when they found out the REAL reasen -- that it was my fault -- and that my boss woudnt be able to say a word until March THEY GAVE ME A RAISE.

See you next update -- hopfully in only a few weeks. Click here to Go back to the Menu of all updates