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No more untruthfully exagerrated than, oh, the average Internet business plan

The Big Triple Update for May-June-July 2000

Page 2 of 26


There is serrious bad blood between Granps and his two older brothors.

It started years back when they were very young. It has to do mostly with money. Granfather's two older brothers, Uncle William and Uncle Zeke live on the East Coast. Filing lawsuits agianst one anothor is their way of keeping in touch.

The poor guy serving the papers must of sat there in his car waiting for me for hours. He aparantly had been told not to approach Granfather's house alone. Strangers to our trailor have been known to get shot at.

In other news...

Ive been working mostly off hours and gettin home at weird times. Lately my whole schedulle is very disrupted. Also I am workin out of the home 3 days a week

I have a problem

And it is a pretty big danm problom I tell you, if it involves me spending 3 extra days of my week at home with GRANFATHER. I guess it works out well with my co-workers becuase allot of people at work dont like me. You will never guess what the problom is:

I am being stalked

Yes it is extremly frightenning. And sort of inevittable I suppose, being that I am an Internet celebrity. But that is not the reason why I am being stalked. I will also add that it is not fun being stalked. Also being an internet celebrity is pretty crappy too, come to think of it.

Psycho Biker chick

Do you remembor in my last update how I almost got arested for acidentally smashing somone in the face with some Kung Pow chicken? Well to make a long story short I had one date, (one date!) with this womon who somehow is under the impresion that her musical non-talents have touched an emotional chord in me. Anyway we now have a small disagreement. She thinks I am her boyfreind. Meanwile I think I am not. She works near where my job is which is ovor 80 miles from where I live. She kept showin up at my job every day. My house is too far for her to visit on her lunch hour. So my bosses at work told me that I had to work mostly at home till the sitaution is resolved.

A terible irony

It is a terible irony because I have been dying to have a girlfreind for a long time. Now I can have one if I want one, only I do NOT want her. I am not atracted to her and besides she scares the hell out of me. There is another terrible irony also, and that is that she has lectured me time and time agian not to ever become "obsessed" with her. This is just one of her rules. Oh yes there are plenty of rules. She told me that I am welcome to love her, but I am not to FALL in love with her.

Also, she says that she has not yet decided if she loves me, but that one of the rules is that I, "belong to her", (oh my), and yet anothor rule is that under NO circomstances does SHE belong to ME. (Because she hates possessive men). And if I am to violate any of these rules I can count on eight new cracks in my ass.

Why Granfather is squatted nakad on the kitchen table

Granfather is obsesed with bein featured in the Guiness Book Of Records. He does not care for what. Granfather as you know gets on this kick every few months or so. He examines himself, and forces me to also exammine his monkeylike body for anything that might be a "record." And every square inch of his surface contains a possible contendor.

The old geezor as you know is covored with lumps, bumps and boils as well as long, thick black wirey inhuman hairs. One of his hairs, which he calls "The General Lee" is 27 inches long. Other hairs in the 20 inches or more cattegory include the "The Stonewall Jackson", "The Merrimack", and "The Battle of New Orleens."

Later on in this update

Lator on in this update I will write more about these human (or shoud I say NON human anommolies), a ghastly assortment which also encompasses several incalculably disgusting bodily landmarks including severol fossilized trilobyte-shaped enormous boils on his ass he's asked me to make plastor casts of and send to the danm Guinnes people.

Actualy, come to think of it I wont. This danm update is way too big anyway. But take it from me, even though I wont describe it, I was indeed workin with plaster quite often during May, June and July, and standing in line allot down at the Post Office.

Granfathers knees often get locked up from squatting allot.

A few minuts after I came home the old basterd started screammin at me, "BWAH! HEPP ME! MAH KNEES IS LOCKED!
"UN-TWIST ME!"

Granfather was frozon. I had to pick him up and carry him into the bathroom. He is little and scrawney and does not weigh allot. He ocasionally gets stuck like this from staying in a squat posittion too long.

He also had this angrey scowl on his face. Granfather has been depressed lately, and instead of getting sad about it he lashes out and gets grouchy.

He is STUCK too in another way

The reason why Granfather is angry and upset is becuase he recently got engaged to be married to a strange little womon.

Granfather does not love the woman, but he got engaged only to anger my brother and sister in law, (both of whom he hates), and to make me jeallous because I do not have a girlfreind. (Well, at the time i did not).

Can you imagine getting engaged just to hurt othor? Yes, this is the type of person he is. He is selfish, spitefull and abusive.

And then he is angrily suprized and outraged when things turn out bad for him.

While Granfather genorally hates all of humanity, he happens to burn even more fervently with intence white-hot hatred for severol key people.

There is five-way tie for the Person in Humannity who Granfather hates the most. Besides his arch enemy the County Clerk, this includes Granfather's two brothers Zeke and William, my brothor Spike and Spike's wife Darlene. In veiw of these five, the old bastord only hates me a little. Howevor, he does take allot of enjoyment in purposely treating me bad.

Crule names and emotional abuse

For example, as I was trying to bathe and care for him, he was making fun of my sensitivity and calling me cruel names like "Pansy Man" and "Flower Boy." Also "Wussy" which I hate the most.

All this dispite the fact that I truely care for him.

Woud you believe, that as mean as he is and as bad as he smells, I do indeed want to repair our shattored relattionship. There is a long road to recovory our family, if we are ever to rehabilitate ourselves out of this dysfunctionol circus of hurt bittor people who like to harm and sue one another. After all I am the only one who will get close enough to his rancid smelling skin to unlock his knees.

I layed Granfather in the bathtub and turned on the spigot. He thrashed and bucked in frustration, splashin around in a temper tantrum. I said to him, "Stay still while I try to unlock your danm joints!" Granfather hollered back at me, "YOU GOT TO HEPP ME GET OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE!"

I said, "No, thats YOUR problem."

Its hard to beleive, but bathing Granfather is almost as disgousting as not bathing him. Because when the tub fills with warm liquid all sorts of abbomminable flotsam and jetsam and various insect fragment mattor comes loose off his scraggly leathery carcass and floats up into a foamy lumpy film on top of the water.

This is disgousting, but Granfather is covored with all kind of bugs, growths and fungal flora. He is his own danm ecosystem.

The way to bathe him is to wear three pair of rubbor gloves. Few peoples hands are skinny enuogh like mine. While i washed him I tryed to talk him out of his stupid world record quest.

"I KNOWS YOU CAIN'T STAND ME, PANSY BOY," the old beast gruffed at me, "AND THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.

"BUT EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE, ONCE AH GIT MAHSEFF IN THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS."

After this I had to help him crap. Not a prettey task. The whole thing you with the old bastord is a tradeoff. When he is NOT able to go, he is ornery and cruel. When he CAN go he's only half as mean but then you have to deal with all the freakin mess. Not to mention the sound efects and pyro...Pyroe...I canot spell pyrotechniks.

A new proceedure