Walter Miller's Homepage

I have endured a great deal of ridicule without much malice,
and have received a great deal of kindness not entirely free
from ridicule. I am used to it.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Page 9 of 26


Uncle Willaim is dying

Uncle Zeke is ten years oldor than Granfather and Uncle Will is mabey 2 older than Zeke. Will is tiny shrivoled and very pale. He sort of looks like that lobstery looking thing withuot a shell, the "symbiont" that they pull of of Dax and the other members of the Trill species in Star Trek. Little Uncle William has shrunk to nearly not much bigger as well.

There are tubes and wires coming out of his chest, limbs and ass all conected to small rolling carts that are wheeled behind him which are full of various containers of liquids and peices of machinery. Poor William is dying, and probly has only weeks to live. (Of course if youve been reading my updates, you know that hes been like this for sevoral years).

The one thing keeping Uncle Will alive is his hatred for Granfather. He was cursing at the cop arresting him. The reason they got arrested is becuase they went into Granfather's sheds and shacks all thruoghout the property pulling out collectibles that they believe belonged to them.

On a hunch, they went straight for the stinkiest spot: The hatchery. Where Granps had me hide that treasure box. (Also, the other reason they chose that spot from the entire sprawling property was cause i think I dropped my cell phone in there. They heard it ringing when the Psycho Biker Chick kept calling me).

They claim that Granfather stole their collectibles

...and knowing the old basterd, (whom his older brothers refer to as, "The Young Basterd"), it may very well be true. But the way to settol this is NOT by stealing it back.

"That thar belongs to ME!", cried Uncle Zeke, pointing his chin at an item wrapped in a Hefty bag on the living room floor.

"I done boght it at the Petaluma Car Show back in '67 and muh crooked sumbitch brother done stoled it!"

The deputy repleid, "Far from me to take Grampy's side in a matter, but I am sorry, you got to let the courts decide that."

Completely oblivious to all this was Granfather, seated on the couch, watchin TV with his odd little girlfreind. As I mentioned, Granfather's girlfriend is the vertitoble female version of deadpan comic Al Franken. I dont know where Granfather finds these danm weirdoes. Oh, wait a second, yes I do: in chat rooms.

They are havin a huge argument

Granfather is hollering at her that he wants to stay in the trailer after they get married. She is saying that they shoud move to her house, in town. It was the kindof argumment that you can tell that Granfather was just in the mood to be disagreeable. The convorsation between the two sort of like this:

"WILL YOU SHUT UP SO I KIN WATCH THE DANM TAPE?"

It's only a tape, Grampy. You can always rewind it.

"BUT I DONT WANT TO MISS NOTHING!

It's 'Brady's On The Move', for Godsake.

SO, I WANT TO SEE IF MR. BRADY DONE GITS ELECTED TO CITY COUNCIL! AND SEE IF THE REST OF THE BRADY BUNCH ALL VOTES FOR HIM! ...'CAUSE THAT OL' JAN BRADY, WAAL, I JUST DON'T TRUST HER!

Grampy, I told you I don't like you screaming at me.

AND I SAID I WUZ SORRY!

Well, I don't forgive you.

WAAL, I DONT CARE ABOUT GITTIN' FORGIVED: I JEST DON'T WANNA LISTEN TO YER DANM MOUTH.

All the while during this quarrol Dr. Blankenship was poking at Granfather's scalp, and dramaticaly exclaiming in his hand held tape recordor things like, "Great Scot! The Brazilian Stinkhorn fungus is nary a-found north of Panama. Yet, Glory and saints! Here it be on the Subject's scalp!"

The criptozoologists reffer to Granfather only as "The Subject," or "it." They completely dont believe he is a human. Granfather uttorly ignored Blankenship, and also Dr. Ripke who was drooling and weeping curled on the floor which is normol behavior from him. The poor man has no mind left.

Granfather called out to me as I breifly greeted and stepped over my two curmudgeonly and very under arrest uncles as I walked toword my room, "YOU GOT A PHONE CALL BOY, THE MESSAGE IS ON THE MACHINE...DAGNABBIT, WOMAN!", he sudenly screamed at the top of his lungs with the cigarete cletched in his teeth, "AH DONE TOLD YOU NOT TO FAST FOWARD PAST THE COMMERCIALS!"

Granfather's girlfriend snapped back, "It's that Mia Hamm commercial. You've seen it a hundred times!"

"WAAL, I WANT TO SEE IT A HUNNERT MORE!

I checked the phone message. It was from work. It was from Peaches, that ass kissing creep at my job. He said I had to call him imediately, and gave me his home number.

I call Peaches at home and get hollored at

Peaches was holloring at me because someone hacked into the network system again.

"You, and the rest of you little Oompah-Loompas are to blame!" he screamed.

An Oompa-Loompah is a not-nice word for a little munchkin-like person who works behind the scenes. At Cyberblop, that means the Tech Support People. Do you remembor the Oompah Loompahs from "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory?" In the book they were little jungle savages who apeared to be made of chocolate but of course in the movie they had to make them orange with green hair out of politicaly correct concerns.

No matter what, it is NOT nice to call a tech suport person an "Oompah-Loompah." Peaches once said in a companywide meeting, while pointing directly at ME, "Lets just have the little Oompah-Loompas do it."

Who the hell cares if the Hercules Team server gets hacked anyway. Alls we got on there is a couple of danm Haikus and a useless freakin "Team positioning statement."

When I came outside of my room, my two uncles were gone. They were takan into custody by the deputies. Granfather must of heard my phone convorsation about Hercules because when I went in the living room he laughed and said, "DAH-DUH-DAAAAAH! IT'S THE GREEK GOD OF NUTS: TESTACLEES!"

I said to him, "That is NOT funny Granfather."

He said to me, "ALLRIGHTY THEN, GET A LOAD OF THIS", and he flicked his cigarate up in the air near me. Then he sort of hopped up a bit and made a very loud titanic fart. Or shoud I say, "threw his voice," cause as I ran away from him the cigarete sailed near my face nearly ten feet behind the basterd. A giant flaire of flame erupted near my head like the Kuwaiti oil wells after Saddam bombed them.

"WITH ALL MY TALENTS," he said sadly, "I STILL CAIN'T GIT IN THET OL' WORLD RECORD BOOK."

Meanwhile, just like nothing hapenned, Blankenship was still poking and fussing at Granp's scalp, while Granps and his fiance were also still vigorously quabbolling over that Mia Hamm commercial, which was now showing once agian on the old basterd's Fox Family Channol copy of the television movie "Brady's On The Move."

"WAAL, OF COURSE SHE DONE SCORED MORE GOALS THAN ANY OTHER WOMAN," Granfather screamed, "SHE'S BEEN DONE PLAYING ONLY WOMEN!"

Blankenship looked up at me sudenly. His thick glasses, perched at the very tip of his nose magnified his eyes to a large craized wild size.

Pointing to the old basterd, he marvolled to me dramatically, "It's a devil. Not a man: A bluddy divil, I tell you. And I just a-figgered out how to keep this satan's scalp a-breathing free! And free from State Agricultural Control!"

I replied, "That is just wonderful doctor. But I cant realy hear the details right now cause I have to go somwhere tonight."

Yes, I went out on anothor danm date with the Psycho biker chick.