Walter Miller's Homepage

Why. WHY is it still here?

The Big Triple Update for May-June-July 2000

Page 15 of 26


Granfather is a cheap, conniving, dishonest, evil selfish foulsmelling non-bathing stinking cruel mean old basterd. But enuogh about his good points. Granfather and his two older brothers, Zeke and William are all collectors of varrious items. For many years Granfather has continually ripped them off. Granfather has ripped off many people.

This particulor lawsuit has to do with a collection of bumper stickers that Uncle Zeke claims belongs to him. There are 15 thousand bumpor stickers in the collection and they are carefully cattaloged in a number of large three ring binders that take up half of one of the toolsheds on Uncle Zeke's farm on the east Coast in Delaware. He claim Granfather snuck in on a trip back East and stole a few valuable ones.

I tell you the whole colection is totally worthless. But Zeke says its worth in the six figures. Yeah right, what a bunch of crap. But even still, Granfather had no right to take the valuable ones out. Even if he did. Granfather at fierst denied taking them, but then admitted he might of took one or two, but only because Zeke traded them to him. Who the hell knows. I am kind of leaning toword Zeke on this one. After all, Granfather is the one with an extensive arrest and prison record. Zeke has a record too, but all his infractions are rellated to fights with Granfather.

Cherry picking basterd

Granfather picks more than his nose, you know. People who compile large colections are aware what the term "cherrey picking" means. It means that you go through the colection and take out only the best ones. You see, in many colections, very often one percent of the items provide 90 persent of the whole colection's value.

What Granfather did was steal valuable bumper stickors, like:

I LIKE IKE

and also

GENERAL MAC ARTHUR
FOR PRESIDENT IN '52

...and left all the common low value ones like:
DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS

as well as:
MY KARMA JUST RAN
OVER YOUR DOGMA

and also the classic,
HORN BROKEN
WATCH FOR FINGER

This cherry picking of Zeke's bumper stickor collection is just the latest example of Granfather ripping people off. WHAT ELSE IS NEW: THE OLD BASTORD RIPS EVERYONE OFF.

I share allot of stuff about Granfather on this website but one thing I nevor reveal is the old basterd's name.

There are too many people who are tryin to track him down. No, his name is not "Miller", as my Dad changed his name to that common sirname at age 18 to avoid the shame and houmiliation of being related to him. Also Uncle Zeke and Uncle Willaim have a diferent last name as well because they have a diferent father.

As far as Granfather's patrimony...

Well now. That is a mattor of both familly and scientific debate. As I've wrote before, the most credible explanation for the mysterey of the non human old basterd's parentage is frighteningly similar to the awful plot of the 1982 film "The Beast Within." ...In other words, Granp's mother was at one time attacked and inpregnated by some sort of reptillian swamp monster. So the legend goes at least.

Other theories suggest that Granfather was the offspring of an extraterrestrial father, (surely the dumbest one on the flying saucer he flew in on), a real Homer Simpson of an alien so stupid he didnt even know the diference between a human woman and a crocodile and so that is who the dumbass abducted and mated with.

(By the way I was out in one of Granfather's sheds not long ago browsing his colection of old soggy books. The old basterd has a big thick unabrigded copy of "Roger Ebert's 1988 Movie Guide" -- and within the whole book, the only movie awarded "NO STARS" by the portly amiable reveiwer was the 1982 film "The Beast Within.")

A rare, advanced, anti-sociel Accumulation Disorder

Alien insecto-simian-reptilian physiology aside, Granfather also suffors from Obsessive Hoarding Syndrome -- a compulsion to save and collect all kind of useless stuff. Granfather has about 200 diferent collections that goes beyond the populor rural mainstays of large porch-bound appliances and rusty automobbiles. There are tools, trashcan lids, hubcaps and soggy rancid cardboard boxes. (See my main homepage for a partial listing of the old basterd's colections)

Also he has never thrown out ANYTHING

They are stroon all around Granfather's property which looks like a huge junkyard plus are crammed inside about ten rickety barns, sheds and chicken coops. He has three chickan coops as long as a football field. In adition to bags of rotted feed they are all filled with crap.

And, the old basterd has nevor thrown anything away in his life. He's even saved every beer can, pop bottle, steyrofoam meat tray, grocery bag and every peice of junkmail he ever had. Also books, newspappers, magazines, and cardbord boxes.

You name it the old basterd colects it

One small shed in fact is full of AOL Trial Membership disks -- ONLY AOL trial membership disks. Sick bastord.

Plus he colects carpet remnants, old Hefty bags, and oddsize cutout pieces of sheetrock wallboard and wood paneling, (in case he ever needs a peice of carpet or wall to be repaired in that exact size).

He has old sofa chairs and matresses too. It all sits outside and gets soggy and rancid in the rain.

The Great Pog crash of '94 has not diminished his zeal for colecting the small cardboard pog disks. Also he has enough Beany Babies to supply Bangladesh with beans for a year.

Granfathers brothers also colect stuff

Uncle William and Uncle Zeke used to live in Texas too. After military careers in Washington and Virginia they are retired on the east coast. This was partly to get away from GRANFATHER. They never married and also live in a similar trash dump exept it is obscurred from the highway by pine woods. For fifty years Zeke and William have foght with Granfather over ownership of various collections of crap.

Granfather has been banned from eBay

He was banned over 2 years ago. Even though all of the claims have been settoled, for legal reasens, I am not aloud to mention specific trades or items.

Howevor, do you remembor about 2 years ago there was a system outage on eBay? The real reason was an avalanche of "Negative Feedback" directed at Granfather that was so great it crashed the freakin servers.

"YEEE-HAW!", I sudenly heard Granfather scream, after finishing up his phonecall with his fiance, "I AM OFFICIALLY DIS - ENGAGED!"

I heard his bare monkeypaw feet pad down the hall, and the old basterd swung open my door. The closest thing to a smile was on his face. As you know Granfather is incapoble of smiling. He even frowns when he laughs. But the feeling of freedom's thrill on his face did show allot of crusty fangs and gums. The closest thing to a smile that Granfather has sort of looks like a rabid hyena strouggling furiously to loosen some stringy warthog meat from painfuly being stuck between his teeth.

"AH DONE BROKE UP. AH'M A FREE MAN!," he crowed. I asked him how his fiance took it.

"SHE DIDN'T TAKE IT WELL. BUT AH' DON'T CARE. I LIKE BEIN' A HEART BREAKER."

You are sick!" I said to him. He hollored back, "I AIN'T SICK, BWAH. WHAT I AM IS A MEAN SUMBITCH. AN' DON'T YOU FERGIT IT."

The next morning: Granfather's Deglazing apointment