Walter Miller's Homepage

Sticking it out until its ripe for nostalgia

The Big Triple Update for May-June-July 2000

Page 18 of 26


Not just Granfather--I am talking about the odorriferrous stink of the Beany Babies in the car. Because by the time the old basterd was on his way to the Lube Dude, I had to get ready to go to work

The whole time I drove to work the stink drove me crazy.

The danm Beannies were piled up near to the window level. They all had previously been outside gettin dirty and rancid from being rained on and having our dogs and chickens pee and crap on them. Many still had the little paper "Ty" tag atached. Who the hell knows if they were even worth anything. In any case that they were, it was a danm shame let me tell you.

A lucky break

I got to work at 7:30. Who is just pulling up too is Cathyann. One of the rare times of the day she hasnt been drinkin is early in the morning.

"Walter, guess WHUT!" she said all excited, "I done got me a NEW JOB! Ain't that great?"

Yes indeed it was good news. But I actualy felt a little bad. She was one of the few people at work who was my freind. (Not my girl freind -- just a freind.) I asked her where she is working.

"Ah cain't tell you. And don't you say NOTHIN' to no one in the cafeteria? You hear me, boy?"

I asked, "When do you start?" and she said starting that very aftornoon. She said that she was NOT ALOUD to mention anything about the job -- but that I woud find out soon enough. There was anothor lucky break too: Cathyann agreed to take Granfather's Beany Babies off my hands.

"Oh boy! I'm fencing stolen goods! Ain't done THAT in a while! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

I noticed Cathyann had this weird lookin earring in one ear; a large white plastic disk. I did not know what it was but it looked vaguely familior. I asked her where she got it. She made a big grin.

"Me and Duwayne was gittin naughty last night.

"That ol' DOOO-wayne. He looks quiet, but he's a lady killer. The strong, silent type: That's the kinda man I like."

Then Cathyann pushed foward her face close to mine and then and kindof roughly pinched me under my armpit. "You're the WEAK silent type Walter, but I like you TOO."

A long droning account

As we loaded the stuffed animols out of my car into hers, she gave me the story of what her and Dwayne did last night. A long, droning, boring acount which I really was NOT in any mood to hear.

"We wuz at the DEE - partment store where he works," she began. "We purposely got locked in after hours. It were SOOO romantic. We were makin out on one o'them teeny tiny little ol' bedspread display beds they got in the bedspread DEE - partment. You know whut I'm talkin about?"

I said, "Yes I do," but of course I was pissed to have to listen to the whole danm story. The white disk in her ear it turned out was one of those ink-filled anti-shoplifting devices that somhow got atached with a security gun.

"Dont it look cool? I think it looks kinda punk. 'Least thats what Momma said. That's why I kept it in. Other reason is, I done stepped on the security gun later on and broked it. That thar security gun is the only way to git the danm thing off. BWAHAHAHAH!"

Peaches pulls up in his new Saturn

He has an angry look on his face. The little Pez-dispensor-head comes ovor to me and snaps at me right infront of Cathyann, "You. In my office. Nine thirty. Yes, we were hacked again! And its YOUR ASS, Miller!"

Then Peaches just stomped off into the building like some sort of cartoon charactor who just had an anvil fall on his head or somthing.

"Oh, that little piss ant!" Cathyann said, just loud enuogh for him to hear, "BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Oh no, HER LONG DROANING STORY wasnt over.

"OK, anyways, back to mah story," she rasped. "Mind if I smoke? So then, Duwayne, well, we just made out some more. Do you know why he likes me so much?"

I said, "No, why."

"Cause I look like Heather Graham. The purty actress. Don't I? I KNOW I do...Anyways.

"We was gonna make LOVE, but alls we did was make OUT. ...See, DuWayne got circulation problems and what-not cause of his weight, and cain't always MAKE love when he wants."

OK that is IT: I have heard enough

Of course I am too shy to always stand up for myself, even to my non-girlfriend freinds. I said to her, "Listen I have to get back inside," and she said, "Not till I tell you the rest."

Finaly in resignation I sighed, "Alright. So what hapened next.?"

Cathyann shrugged, "That's the last thing I remember. Doo-Wayne done passed out on top of me. We both only woke up, like an hour ago. Guess all that drinkin dont help things when you got circulation problems. BWAHAHAHAH!"

Cathyann then told me that she snuck out of the department store by jumpin off the roof and into a trash dumpster full of foam peanuts in order to avoid the security laser by the doors which mihgt set off the white plastic disk in her ear.

"I tell you WHUT ," she swaggored with one hand on her hip, "I don't even 'MEMBER how I this here thang got in mah ear, and I don't WANNA know."

I heard five more minutes of her tellin me how she was gonna rip limb from limb Duwayne's boss. I dont know how, but somhow I was able to escape into the building.

An urgent phone mesage

The receptionnist (who looked very haggerd and was in tears) told me that a man--she thinks it was a man, but it sounded like a growling animal..but anyway the same person called 5 times. I coud of guessed it was Granfather. Finaly she convinced him to leave me a phone mail. When I got back to my desk i listened to the phone message.

"HELLO BOY, IT'S ME," the message began in a suprizingly calm, almost erudite voice, "THAT SIZZLING SOUND YOU HEAR IS MAH ASS BEING DEGLAZED AT THE LUBE DUDE AUTO CENTER -- LOCATED THREE MILES SOUTH OF THE BLINKER TRAFFIC SIGNAL IN THE CENTER OF TOWN, AND A HALF-MILE WEST OF THE FREEWAY ON-RAMP -- OPEN SIX DAYS A WEEK -- WHERE, CURRENTLY AT THIS VERY MOMENT I AM COMING TO YOU OVER A SPEAKERPHONE THEY WERE KIND ENOUGH TO STRING OUT TO WHERE I AM."

If there is one thing I cannot stand it is when Granfather uses this pedantic evil slightly English accented diabolically William F. Buckleyesque fake sophisticatted voice.

"THEY ARE AT THIS VERY MOMENT WARSHING ME WITH A SOLUTION OF TWELVE POINT-SIX-PERCENT DURSBAN, THE HIGHEST ALLOWABLE CONCENTRATION OF THAT PESTICIDE ONE MAY LEGALLY PURCHASE OVER THE COUNTER.

"SOON THEY WILL SET ME ABLAZE. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME," he said with mock sweetness, "I AM CALLING TO DISCUSS YOU.

"I WAS QUITE SPARE IN MY VERBAL THREATS OF EARLIER TODAY. BUT LET ME ASSURE YOU: IF ANYTHING SHOULD HAPPEN TO MY MOST TREASURED COLLECTIBLE OF THE ROYAL HANOVERIAN ERA, THE ONE CURRENTLY IN YOUR POSSESSION, I WILL PERSONALLY, AND BY FORCE, DRESS YOUR SORRY SKINNY ASS IN THE BEST REPLICA OF THE GOLD BIKINI THAT CARRIE FISHER DONE WORE IN "RETURN OF THE JEDI," SLAP A VEIL ON YOUR UGLY FACE, SNAP A DIGITAL PHOTO OF YOU, LOG ONTO EBAY UNDER A FAKE I.D., AND SELL YOU AS A MAIL ORDER BRIDE TO SOME POOR SORRY ASS RICH FOREIGNER WHO DOESN'T BATHE ALOT, WHO, BY THE TIME YOU ARRIVE IN A WOODEN CRATE BY FED EX TO WHERE HE LIVES, WILL BE SO GLAD TO BE FREED FROM HIS DESPERATION THAT HE WON'T EVEN CARE THAT YOU AIN'T GIRL. WHICH YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN BE ANYWAY, I AIN'T REALLY SURE.

"DO YOU UNNERSTAND ME, BWAH?"

By the end of that tirade, Granfather had worked himself up to his regulor screamming, spitting, sputtoring low class rural accented self. And meanwhile I was so danm scared I forgot it was a recording and answored, "Yes, Granfather!"

Another call comes in

While I was on the phone listening to the phonemail my console lit up. I coud see on the LCD display it was my brother Spike calling. I retreived the message and he was hollering at me angrily. It sounded like a danm riot was going on in the house.

"Walt," he said hurriedly, "Don't forget about tonight at the diner...Zeke! you sleepwalking DUMBASS!...OKAY, sorry. Listen, you agreed to try to get Zeke and Will to stay with you and Gramps, right? You promised, right?"

In the backround I coud hear my sister in law screaming also. She seemed to be screamin at Uncle Zeke, who was sort of grumping back in his stern gruff way. The baby was crying, and an odd laugh repeated over and over. I did not know who the hell coud be there laughin. Out of curiosity I listed to it 3 times but coud not figure it out.

And while I was listening a third call comes in.

This is one i am glad I did not pick up. It was that danm County Clerk agian. He wanted to know if I signed that document he e-mailed me yet. The one where I was to sware that him and Granfather were never lovers. Like most of his calls, they started out in a calm drawl, but as more and more of GRANFATHER creeps into the convorsation, the tempo whips up to a loud agitated BALD FACED FRENZY.

Something happens at work to make me realy pissed

My 9:30 meeting with Peaches was cancelled. This is becuase we had an emergency All Hands Staff Meeting. I supose when they hold them every two days they really cant be called emergency meetings. Anyway. Did you ever see the film Glengarry Glenross? The scene in the begining when Alex Baldwin is in there riding all the salesmens asses with all kind of threats? Well over here at Cyberblop we get that same danm speech every freakin day.

All our asses get chewed out.

Mr. Bouvard, the President of the company usually stays quiet while his hatchet man Mr. Peckushay does most of the hollering. But today Bouvard was pissed as all hell. His big red jowly face huffed and puffed and popped like a big overripe tomato boiling from the inside in the microwave that you forgot to pierce the skin on beffore you nuked it.

I took my regulor seat in the back of the auditorium with Stu. Tilde sat there too, and sudenly who wedged in next to me but Cathyann.

"Hello darlin! Why the Seinfeld bunch of all us four is all together here in the back row! Hey, Kramer! How's yer LOOVE life! BWAHAHAHA!"

I asked her what she was doin there instead of being in the cafeteria and she told me to hush up.

Bouvard's tirade was pretty much the same as Peckushay's: We're not makin enough money, we're all a bunch of worthless slobs and the competition is kickin our ass.

After he finished, Mr. Bouvard sort of sudenly switched gears. He said, "Harrumph! I'd like to read something to you all that will put everything in perspective!"

Oh God no

Mr. Bouvard put on his creaky old reading glasses and in a stilted booming voice held this small peice of paper at arm's length and there still quavering at the microphone in front of the entire company began by reading the account of a poor child with a brain tumor. Cathyann's sweaty beefy elbow atached me vigorously.

"THAT'S MAH STORY, WALTER," she whispered loudly, "I DONE MAILED IT COMPANYWIDE."

After Bouvard finished reading the entire audiance was silent. Everyone had heard this story before. Some people heard it ten years ago.

"Other companies across the region have a heart," warbled Bouvard, "And dammit, Harrumph! We should too!

Peaches, a man with no shame whatsoever began clapping and soon the audotorium was filled with tepid applause. Next, Bouvard said he was going to share somthing funny. After this, he read an inspirational little poem. And finaly, he ended on the ever-hillarious, "You Know You're a redneck when..."

The stupid idiot read all of these spams that Cathyann sent out. Those who werent cheerleading ass kissers in favor of what he was saying, (and there were plenty of those), were too frightenned to say anything bad and stayed silent.

OH GOD NO!!!

Mr. Bouvard then motioned to Cathyann who he recognized in the crowd. She wheezed and struggoled to stand up from having her ample hams wedged into the skinny audotorium seat.

"This young lady used to work in our cafeteria. Harrumph! But she's shown more initiative than any of you!

"That is why, as of today," said Bouvard, as Cathyann preened beffore the crowd, coyly twiddling the plastic anti-shoplifting disk in her ear, "I'd like to introduce our newest Associate Content Developer!"

There was allot of loud claps and Cathyann put her big arm arround my waist and blared in my ear, "That's mah NEW JOB I done SAID not to SAY nothin about! BWHAHAHA!"

Boy was i pissed. She was only on the web for a danm month, and she was now an Asociate Content Developer, while I cant even get promoted up to the grade below that, Assistant Content Develloper.

It is freakin NOT FAIR.