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I have seen the future: Its name is GRANFATHER

The Big Triple Update for May-June-July 2000

Page 21 of 26


My brother was so pissed about HOW the whole supper turned out. He insisted that I take Zeke and William back to Granfather's trailer.

"I am not runnin an old folks home," said Spike. I said to him, "Yes, but I have to live with Granfather all the time!"

But the way it turned out I WAS STUCK WITH THEM.

On the way home

My two elderly uncles climbed into Granfather's 1970 Dodge Dart Swinger. Granfather was oddly upbeat and optimistic. He taunted his brothers, and said he was lookin foward to them stayin for a visit.

"NOW THAT I'VE DEVELOPED SUCH NICE CONTROL OVER MY 'VOICE', WHY IT MIGHT BE FUN HAVIN' Y'ALL AROUND FOR A SPELL."

Granfather also started picking on me. He kept sayin in his pattronizing, condescening haughty tone, how I was to, "Cook supper, clean the laundry and entertain three old respectable gents instead of one."

His brothors meanwhile, silently nodded, but wispered back and forth to each other in the back seat of the car as I drove home all of their latest murderous plots to eliminate the old basterd. I was NOT lookin foward to having all three of them under one roof.

"UNDER MAH ROOF YOU WILL OBEY MAH RULES," Granfather lectured them as we drove by turning his head backward to face behind himself like the demon posesed girl in The Exorcist.

"ONE OF MAH RULES IS TO STAY OUT O'MAH LAUNDRY ROOM."

Zeke grunted, "Why? You got any o'my stolen stuff back there?"

"YOURS IS NOT TO QUESTION WHY," the old basterd pontificatted back, "YOURS IS BUT TO DO WHUT I SAY ELSE I'LL WHUP YO' ASS."

It is only a six mile ride from town to our house. Even still it was unbearoble.

We have only one light downtown, and it is a blinker, and as I slowed down for it who did I see standing on the corner but Junior. He must of just got out of the hospital.

"JUNIOR, GIT YO' ASS IN THIS HEAH CAR!" Granfather screamed. Junior was hobboling on a cane, but when Granfather called him, he creid out stupidly, "Hi Grampy!"

Poor Junoir

Junior actualy is happy to see Granfather. It means that someone, (be it even a devil beast) is paying attention to him in his misorable life. I swear he makes Forest Gump look like Einstein. Utterly thrilled, Junior squeezed in the front seat between me and the old basterd.

"It smells stanky in here!" mused Junior. He is one of these people who compulsively always says whats on his mind.

When we got back to the house Granfather and his older brothers desided they wanted to play poker. Junior isnt smart enough to play but he held poor weak Uncle Will's cards for him.

Also Junior dosent have brains enough not to exclaim all during the game things like, "Shazzam! Another two queens!," -- but neither do Will and Zeke, who are going deaf, have hearing enough to tell that Junior is doing it. Granfather can hear it all howevor, and quickly cleaned the two old bachelor geezers out of all their travelers checks.

The big night: It is show time

It was now time for me to put one rellationship out of its misery: Me and the Psycho biker chick. I was going there to start a scene. Yes, I was terriffied. But it was somthing I had to do.

I anounced that I was going out with my freinds. Granfather gaped at me, "WHAR THE HELL YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING AT ELEBEN O'CLOCK?"

I replied shakily, "I am goin out with my freinds!"

"GIT INSIDE YOUR ROOM BOY. WE'RE GONNA HAVE A PRIVATE CHAT."

I said to him, "I am not going anywhere."

Just then Uncle Zeke stood up. Hes been to our house a milion times but even still he painfuly banged his big six foot eight head on the ceiling and was startled just like it was the first time.

"Y'all can have your chat in here. I'll leave," Zeke drawled.

"JUST STAY OUT THE LAUNDRY ROOM!"," Granfather cried as his big brother stomped clumsily down the hall, waving his hand back at Granps in contempt. The old basterd then turned his pissy yellow eyes to me.

"OK BOY, WE'LL HAVE OUR PRIVATE CHAT HERE. WE'RE LUCKY CAUSE MUH BROTHER WILLY'S SLEEPIN'. MABYE WE'LL GIT REAL LUCKY AND HE'LL DIE."

Granfather then dispatched Junior out to the extra frigde in the barn to get more cold beer. This was rather mean because he coud barely climb our rickety porch steps with the cane all by himself, but you know how mean Granfather is.

The old basterd then stared at me. He took a slow drag on a cigarete then flared his dragonlike nostrills out to a silver dollar size as the smoke streamed out in a stinking grey cascade.

"I KNOW WHAR YOU'RE GOIN' TONITE. YOU'RE GONNA BUST UP SOME WINDOWS AT SOME GAL'S HOUSE."

Before I coud answor with a denial, he cut in and said, "ATTABOY!"

"IT PAINS ME TO SAY THIS, YOU BEING SUCH A WUSS AN ALL, BUT I'M ALMOST JUST BARELY PROUD OF YOU.

"GETTIN' RID OF A WOMAN BY PRETENDING TO BE POSSESSIVE. IT'S AN OLD LAME TRICK TO BE SURE, BUT IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU DONE DID SUMPTIN' WORTH BRAGGIN' ABOUT."

I was dumbstruck. I asked, "Granfather, how did you know?"

The basterd took another drag of the smoke, blinked, flicked a peice of tobacco at me with his forked tounge, then answored, "TILDE. THAT PAIN IN THE ASS CODEPENDENT BOSS OF YOURS. DAMN, THAT WOMAN GOT A BIG MOUTH."

Id told Tilde NOT to say nothin to anyone--specifically Granfather. But Tilde actualy called up the old basterd just a few hours ago.

Granfather gives me advice

It apears that Granfather has used this trick before. You woud think that the old basterd woudnt of been so lucky romanticaly over the years. Howevor the mere thought of having GRANFATHER be possesive of you is enough to repel any woman. Of any species.

"OK THEN, HERE'S MAH ADVICE.

"FIRST OFF, YOU GOTTA SCREAM AND YELL MORE, AND BUST WINDOWS LESS....THE IDEAR HERE IS OBSESSION, NOT DESTRUCTION.

NEXT: YOU DON'T WANNA BREAK WINDOWS IN HER HOUSE: ONLY HER CAR. LOOKS TOO MUCH LIKE A BREAK-IN. THE GIRL COUD LEGALLY SHOOT YOU."

I told Granfather she did not have a car.

"WAAL, THEN BUST UP THE MAILBOX," he huffed, takin anothor drag on the cigarete.

"YOU SEE, WOMEN ARE A DOUBLE-EGDE SWORD," he smirked, blowing the greasy reeking fumes in my face. Granfather's breath is so bad it overpowors tobbaco.

"THEY GIVE YOU NOOKIE, BUT THEY ALSO GIVE YOU GRIEF."

"I said, "Granfather, I did NOT sleep with her."

The old basterd scowled back, "YOU DUMBASS WUSS.

"I AM NO LONGER ALMOST JUST BARELY PROUD OF YOU.

A grunt, then a thump

...and after that, there was a sudden thunderrous bellowing that came from down the hall. From the laundry room. It was Uncle Zeke. Me and Granps went down there and opened the door and there was the poor man trying to desperately unstick his foot from the floor. An absolutly overpowering stink filled the air.

Oh yuck

If you are easily ofended by disgousting things please skip the next paragraph.

There was a giant crap on the floor right in the middle. It was allmost the size of half a wedding cake. It was unmisteakably the work of Granfather and Uncle Zeke had stepped square in it and was now stuck.

The horror of bein trapped.