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Okay, hang in there, the danm update is almost over.

The Big Triple Update for May-June-July 2000

Page 22 of 26


The old basterd scolded like a washerwoman, "I DONE TOLE YOU TO STAY OUT THE LAUNDRY ROOM. BUT YOU DIDNT LISSEN."

Zeke groaned a giant brotosaurus stuck in the La Brea Tar Pits.

"I cain't git loose. My foot is burnin' up like blazes. and it smells RIGHT STANKY!"

Granfather replied with calm sadism, "WAAL, JEST SLIP YER FOOT OUT."

"Ah cain't Little Brother! These here are special mold orthopedic shoes. I need mah boot jack!"

"WELL, AIN'T THAT TOO BAD ZEKEY. DON'T WORRY. THEY'LL BE MELTED BY MORNING."

Uncle Zeke started wailing that they cost $190 a pair and besides he coud not stay in there that long with the stink or he'd die. Granfather repleid back that this is what Zeke gets for bein a dumbass.

"This was a trap!", Zeke bawled.

"YOU BETCH' YO' ASS IT WERE A TRAP," Gramps grumped. Just then Junior walked in, stumbolling over his feet with the cane and bobboling the bottles of beer very carefully being that Granfather thretenned him not to drop none or else hed make him lap it up with his tounge broken glass and all.

"SPEAKING OF DUMBASSES, HERE'S JUNIOR," said Gramps, still taunting his brother in his condescending pontiffical tone, "A MAN WHOSE I.Q. APPROACHES THAT OF A CHOCOLATE CHIP, AND WHO IS CLEARLY DUMBER THAN YOU EVER WAS ZEKEY, BUT WHO AT LEAST GOT HORSE SENSE.

"TELL HIM WHY JUNIOR."

"'Cause I always obey Grampy when he done tells me whut to do," Junior said proudly.

My ride comes and we leave

The classy hum of Stu's brandnew Lexus buzzed in the open window over the din of crickets and the crackling bug zapper.

"RIGHT ON TIME," said Grampy, "THE PIG MAN'S HERE." Granfather calls Stu 'The Pig Man'. It is kindof rude but he never says it to his face. When Stu came inside Granfather explianed to both of us that he is coming along for the ride. I tried to keep him from NOT going, but the old basterd woud not let up.

"I INSIST ON GOING WITH Y'ALL TONIGHT FOR PURPOSES OF MORAL SUPPORT. OR SHOUD I SAY: IMMORAL SUPPORT. HEH-HEH-HEH."

I put Duwayne' wifebeater teeshirt on, and sort of mussed up my hair a bit. I tried to get into charactor. This was somthing I had to do. I coud not submit to another abusive physical pawing maul-fest from the Psycho biker chick. I tell you, I do NOT, "belong to her." Nosiree, bob.

Stu has it all figuored out

According to Stu, the most likely scenario woud be that the cop just talks me into stopping my heartbroken tirade. The cops might not even come at all. And the worst I coud get might be a summons for public disturbance. I was unlikely to be arested too, as long as I did not resist or disobey the cops when they came.

Stu also told me that he woud pay any summons for me too, on his Cyberblop corporate Amex cards.

"It's easy: This chick is affecting your work pefformance," Stu shrugged. It's business expense."

A large clattor suddenly came from the back of the trailor as Uncle Zeke, after initially rising himself up halfway, once again fell backwords, (and we later found out, twisted his ankle) from tryin to strouggle his foot free from the gluey land mine. Though he remained stuck, the laundryroom door spawled open as Zeke tumbled out.

As he fell his head hit the centor hallway with a loud clank like a bowling ball on a tin roof.

"Lord hab massy!" he cried, laying there prone and looking down the hall into the kitchen, "That boy looks like a hog!"

Stu bit his lip and I opened my mouth to say somthing in sympathy but he touched my arm, whisperring, "Forget it Walt. I hear it all the time."

We get in the car, and Tilde was already sittin in there. I said, "What are YOU doing here!" Knowing how pissed I woud be, since she (once agian as usual) blabbored to Granfather behind my back, she would not look me in the eye. But she did manage to squeak out that she is coming along out of "moral support."

Just what I need before leaving...

The phone rings. We were alreaddy running late. I did not want to pick it up, but Stu says I shoud. It might be the psycho Biker chick calling, posibly saying something that might alter our plans. He pushed the Conference call button. As if my life is not complicatted enough, it was Igor, the guy from work on the phone.

"Walter help me! Help me!" he blubbored in broken English. He was weeping and in tears, hystericol.

"I cannot address crowd! I cannot face masses! I am in terror!"

I said to him, "Igor calm down!"

But he kept up, and cried about his fear of public speaking. He wanted me to appeal to Peaches, but I coud not. Peaches hated me too.

"Please! Make me face firing squad! Send me to gulag! Make me eat bread covered with maggot. But I cannot share HERCULES TEAM POSITIONING STATEMENT.
"It is so stupid!" he wailed, "To share Internet marketing statement in public is to be PROSTITUTE! Boo-hoo-hoo!"

Igor, I figured, as I hung up the phone on the poor blubboring foreigner, was either the dumbest person or else the most principled persen I ever worked with.

As we climbed into the car Granfather said, "TOO BAD THAT FELLER WHO CALLED YOU AIN'T ON THE TESTACLEES TEAM -- THEN HE'D HAVE THE BALLS TO TALK IN FRONT OF ANYONE! HEEE-HEE-HEE!" he laughed like a derranged chimp.

I said to him, "Granfather I have heard that same lame 'Testaclees' joke for half my whole danm life. It is not funny and please stop it now."

He scowled at me. "I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS, BWAH."

"Get me for what?"

"I DUNNO. I'LL THINK O'SUMPTIN."

Granfather was an anoying pain in the ass the whole ride

Granfather was having a good time. He actualy likes Stu and Tilde--no small acomplishment for somone who generaly hates the human race. The old basterd sat in the backseat with Tilde. And the whole 80 mile ride to the town where the Psycho Biker chick lives, Granfather preyed on poor Tilde's two main weaknesses: unrestrained codependency, and inability to keep her danm mouth shut.

"WALTER WAS A BED WETTER AS A CHILD," he said with maliciousley phony concern, "DID YOU KNOW THAT MA'AM?"

Tilde answered, "Oh Yes, Grampy I did!"

"ALSO, THE BOY USED TO PLAY WITH DOLLS AS A CHILD TOO."

Tilde said, "Oh my! I didn't know that!"

"NOW, DON'T GO SHARING THAT IN NO STAFF MEETING OR NOTHIN' -- BUT PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE HURT HE FEELS FROM IT."

"Oh, dear!" shrieked Tilde.

"OH, PORE, PORE, LIL' OLD WALTER," the blackhearted devil beast basterd contineud, "IF ONLY SOMEONE -- SOMEONE SPECIAL, SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT THE LIL' DUMBASS -- COUD TAKE AWAY HIS PAIN."

"MEBBE THAT PERSON COUD BE YOU, TILDE."

I wanted Stu to pull the car over so i coud smack the basterd but Stu was tryin to tell me something. It was somthin I did NOT want to hear.

"Listen, Walt, Cathyann is bringing the booze and the baseball bat. She's meeting us there."

I said "WHAT?" Stu told me that she wanted to help coach me on how to be a perfect drunken disturbence in public.

"YOU'RE PURTY LUCKY BOY," Granfather interupted, "ME AND YER GIRLFRIEND--AND DONT DENY SHE'S YER GIRLFRIEND -- US TWO IS IS THE TWO BIGGEST EXPERTS IN THE COUNTY...SAY TILDE DEAR, DID I EVER TELL YOU HOW SENSITIVE THE BOY IS ABOUT HIS BIG PORES?"

"Why no Grampy," she trilled back in concern.

"JUST LOOK AT THE POOR UGLY FELLER THAR IN THE REAR-VIEW.
"ALL THEM BIG-ASS PORES. WHY, HIS FACE DONE LOOKS LIKE A DAMN PORNO THUMBNAIL SCREEN WHERE THE IMAGES NEVER LOAD, AND ALLS YOU GET IS A PAGE FULLA EMPTY OLD HOLES."

Tilde furrowwed her brow, peering at me and said, "Oh dear!"

I am verry nervous

I was nervuos not only because of the big public scene, but also because of Cathyann being there: Granfather told me to take extra good care of that King George the Third bumper stickor. I told him that Cathyann locked it up in the cafeteria safe. Surely she forgot. If it is still in the back of her car, and Granfather finds out, MY ASS IS GRASS.

A car near miss acident almost ends it all

The whole plan almost ended when Cathyann arived at the home of the psycho Biker chick at exactly the same time we did. It was late at night and she ovbiously wasnt noticing other motorists. She is the kind of girl who takes up two lanes. Also, I understand she spent some time in Arkansaw and that is where she probly picked up the habit of making a right hand turn from the left lane. Her big old 1977 Caprice Classic swerved, lunged onto the curb to avoid us, and clipped a stop sign.

The Other White Meat(tm)

Cathyann just missed slamming into Stu's brandnew Lexus. Poor Stu went pale as a ghost, his normaly pink complexion ashen as the blood sapped frightfully from his full, porky cheeks.

Cathyann rolled down her window and grinned, "I almost squarshed the bitch's mailbox FOR yuh, Walt! BWAHAHAHAH!

Hanging out with the old basterd

There is no pain in the ass like Granfather. The jubilation he felt with socializing with youngor people, coupled with the evil anticipation of witnessing a misdeameanor crime, was clearly evident.

"I LIKE HANGIN' WITH ALL YOU YOUNG 'UNS. -- 'CEPT WALTER, OF COURSE," he said breezily as we all five crowded into Stu's Lexus.

"LET'S BLAZE A BONE. WHO GOT SOME POT?"

I whispored to Stu, who I was now pressed against in the front seat, being that Cathyann wedged herself into the car next to me.

"Stu, we have to get rid of Granfather. Please."

He whispered back, "I'll think of something."

"DID I EVER TELL Y'ALL ABOUT ABOUT HOW I CRASHED WOODSTOCK BACK IN SIXTY-NINE?

"BOYS AND GIRLS, WE NOT ONLY STOPPED A WAR, WE DONE CLOSED DOWN THE NEW YORK STATE THRUWAY."

I whispored to Stu, "Granfather was NOT at Woodstock, and acording to my Dad the old basterd supported the war." As Granfather rambled on about his reputation for bein a "party animal," (when the truth is, alls he is is just a plain animol), I told Stu that I had to be alone with Cathyann.

"Yes, me and her have to be alone -- It's not what you think," I told him.

Stu cleared his throat and said, "Hey, Grampy. I'm game. Let's go score some weed."

The grisly beast's face brightened.

"FINE BY ME, SNOUT-BOY. BUT I'M JUST WARNING YOU. I NOT ONLY INHALE, I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO DRINK THE BONG WATER."

Stu whispered to me, "I'm just gonna drive him around for a while.
"Maybe if I find a 7-Eleven I'll get him some dried parsley."

Alone in the car with Cathyann