Walter Miller's Homepage

Folks, I cannot be makin this stuff up...right? Right?

The Big Triple Update for May-June-July 2000

Page 24 of 26


OK I admit it I am somtimes given to overeaction. It was not blood at all. It was the red liqoud spurting out from that danm security shoplifting device in Cathyann's ear. All her amorrous attacks must of shook it loose. It was friggin everywhere.

Just in time

Right then Stu's car pulls up agian. I can see the old basterd and Tilde in there. A mountian of smoke billows out from inside Stu's car as he stomps out and slams the door hard. He is slightly pissed. Me and Cathyann climb out of her car.

"Man, you'll never believe it," Stu snorted, "Grampy actually found somone to sell him dope. In this little town, at this time of night."

I get the whole story

"After Gramps recounted being at every concert in the world up to Lollapalooza '94, we finaly stopped at a 24 hour conveneince store to get some cold pops," Stu began, his voice rising in nervuous oinks and squeals.

"Tilde went in to take a leak...which turned out to be a DUMP, and danm took forever, and while she's in there papering up the seat with fifty layers, Granfather goes outside and talks to some bad boys hangin around the front.

"He boght $20 worth of weed. And insted of paying in cash, since he doesn't have any cash, he then went back inside the store and, now, get this, he had the balls to ask the owner to charge $25 bucks on MY company Amex card under 'Miscelaneous Merchandise'; Gramps tells the owner to keep the extra $5 as a fee."

Cathyann interupted and said, "That sounds like Grampy. BWHAHAHAHA!" And I said, "Oh crap."

Stu contineud. "Naturally, the owner says he wont tolerate drug dealing near his store and pulls out a shotgun and Granfather starts crying and crying and saying that he needs it as medical marijuana.

"The guy asks, 'for what medical condition'?, and Granfather answers, 'the pot ain't for me, its to calm down these folks for having to look at my ugly face.'"

The window of Stu's Lexus rolls down and Granfather grins at me.

"HE FELL FOR IT TOO, BOY."

"AND THEN, JEST FER LAUGHS, I DONE 'THROWED MAH VOICE' IF YOU KNOW WHUT I MEAN, AND DONE BLOWED UP THEIR NACHO CHEEZE DISPENSER."

Cathyann asked, "Why you lookin' so sad, Tilde?"

Stu rolled his small porky eyes. "Oh, damn, we forgot to tell her. She thinks SHE is the one who stunk up the store."

Tilde replied, "Oh dear. You mean it wasnt me?"

"HAYLE NO, WOMAN. IT WAS ME. YOU DUMBASS."

Tilde chirped, "Oh, I knew it! Oh, thank you Lord."

I looked at Granfather, and he didnt look right. He seemed wild eyed and chattory.

Before I coud ask what was wrong, Stu said, "And now he's high as a kite. He won't stop talking. The car stinks like weed. And he's absolutly ravenous; on the drive back here, he ate half a floor mat, and drank a bottle of ArmorAll.

"The car's a lease, Walt. I'm screwed."

I felt absolutely houmiliated and terrible. Granfather causes so much strife for his family, and now is ruining relationships with my freinds and job too.

Antisocial basterd

"And he won't stop blabbering either," Stu said. "He's babbling on like a demented philosopher.

"WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS...WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS...WHY, JUST STICK 'EM IN YER PANTS!
"THE EXTRA BULGES MIGHT IMPRESS THE LADIES. AND WHEN YOU'RE AS STANKY AS ME, A LITTLE LEMONY FRESHNESS SURE CAIN'T HURT."

I was so embarassed for him. I said to him, "Please, Granfather TRY to control yourself. I canot explain the utter mortification, the shame and humilliation of having to say: "I am related to him. This is my family."

Granfather looked back at me angrily.

"DAMN. I AM SURE HUNGRY. IF LIFE HANDED ME SOME LEMONS, I'D PROBLY JUST EAT THEM."

All of sudden a light goes on in the house of the Psycho Biker chick. She must of heard all the noise. Oh crap, I'd better get going. The red security liqiud from that thing in Cathyann's ear was now spattered all over Duwayne's extra large already-stained wifebeater undershirt. It was a nice low class touch, I thought.

"YOU BELONG TO ME!"

That is what I screamed over and over. I dont have strong voice but i did my best. Then i picked up the Lousville Slugger baseball bat and swung it at the mailbox. I missed, hit my foot, spun around and fell, but then got up and swung agian. It was one of those new modern plastic mailboxes made of green trash can materiol that you fill with sand and gravel to anchor it.

I was never so scaired in my life. But then I thoght of what the future would bring, if I did not carry through my plan. I coud not have this woman bossing me around. By comparison, Cathyann, for all her pushy ways did not claim to "OWN" me like this woman did.

"You belong to ME!," I screamed and swung agian. The bat bounced off without damaging the mailbox one bit and on the rebound hit me in the shouldor. I stumboled backward, slipped in dog crap and then fell on my ass.

On cue, right when they were suposed to, Stu and Tilde and Cathyann shouted, "Walter! Give it up! You're obsessed with her!"

Stu was coaching me. If theres anyone who knows about women its him.

"I cant do it any more! It wont do any good! I want to OWN her!" I creid to Stu.

"You're doing great Walt," he whispored, "Remember, the obsessive-type woman can't tolerate being possessed!"

As my simple witless mind tryed to grasp the wisdom of what Stu was saying, Granfather meanwhile, still in his own stoned wasted world kept chattoring incoherently.

"OH LORDY!" he wailed, his doped up head reeling drunkenly, "I WISH OL' POMPOUS-ASS BLANKENSHIP WUZ HERE RIGHT NOW. I'M SO HONGRY, I'D EAT THE SUMBITCH ALIVE."

By this time the window of the house was open and the pshcyo biker chick was hollerin at me, "Walter! What the HELL is goin on out there?"

I screamed back, "You belong to ME!"

A minute later her door swings open and she marches out. Oh crap: Oh, crappity crap crap CRAP.

You woud not believe what she was wearing. A little white T shirt with nothing under it. Alls she had on below that was these bikini underwear bottoms. They were leapord underwears. And that was it. Oh, the legs. I did not mention the legs. I was never a leg man but i think I am now. This is the first time I saw them. She walked toword us bathed in the bluish overhead light of the subdivision lamp post.

Stu was visibly drooling. "What a babe!", he squealed.

Granfather said, "YOU SAID THAT MISTER PIGGY. AND ALL'S THE LITTLE DUMBASS EVER DONE WITH HER IS SPEND MONEY ON HER....AND, ACCORDING TO TILDE, STEAL EIGHTEEN BUCKS IN VITAMINS FROM HER."

The Psycho Biker chick, who I must say was realy a lovely lookin woman come to think of it walked up to me and poked me hard with her fingor.

"I dont like your atittude, pal," she said. Whoa, she realy looked pretty. I never noticed it.

I said to her, "Um, Okay. You dont belong to me."

Poking me agian she roared back, "Yuh-HUH!"
"We're FINISHED. If I ever see you again, I'll rip you out a new pooper with my bare hands."

Granfather sudenly began to appear less disorientated. He seemed to be coming down from his high.

"WHOA. THET WOMAN AIN'T WEARIN' NO BRAY."

I'm not sure if its a rural dialect thing or what, but somtimes Granfather pronounces 'bra' as 'bray.'

We coud already hear the sirens. The Psycho Biker chick muttered that one of her neighbors must of called the cops. Also she said that I was such a danm loser, that she woud even not give me the satisfaction of arresting me. And so she turned around on her heels, and barefoot, sleekly, (and quite slinky I might add), prowled back into her house like a beautiful muscular cheetah. There was this cute little rose tatoo that I noticed on her back, very low, and it was the cutest little...

I must of been mesmorized cause I almost jumped out of my skin when Cathyann threw her giant arm over my shoulder and shook me hard. Id hoped she was gonna make some comment that woud cheer me up, and sort of tear down the Psycho biker chick but instead she blathered very loud in my face while shaking my arm, "YOU DUN MESSED UP GUY, 'CAUSE THAT'S THE DAMN PURTIEST GIRL YOU EVER GONNA GIT! "BWAHAHAHA!"

The cops arrive

Four squad cars showed up in no time. Even thuogh we are so far from home, I recongnized two of the deputies. I know MOST of the deputes within 100 miles. Thats because most of them have arested Granfather at one time or anothor. And a few have the bite marks to prove it.

"Why, its young Walter Miller," one of them drawled, shining his big fourfoot long flashlight in my face as I stood there, scaired like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming truck, breathing heavily in a tattored wifebeater tee, a Louiville Slugger in one hand, a half empty bottle of cooking wine in the other.

"What are you doing here, son?," he said. "Folks here reported a loud drunken ruckus." Meanwhile the othor cops started whisperin to themselves. They knew who our family was, if not by personal expereince, then by legend.

"I was making a disturbence, but now its over," I said weakly.

"Here he is! Hiding in the car!" one of the cops screamed.

Granfather gets arested

Yes, they hauled the old basterd in. There was no way that they beleived it was me. They were sure that i was sticking up for the old basterd.

The way it ended