Ive always relied on the strangeness...I mean the kindness of strangers.
Page 26 of 26
The psycho biker chick had not called in all that time; (I am trying to convinse myself that this is a good thing; I think it is); Cathyann was demoted back down to lunchlady; (it apears that even the people who knew nothing about computers were able to figure out that she knew even less.)
And that creepy Petra was placed on Administrative Leave for hitting Mr. Bouvard; (she claimed that it was revealed to her in a dream that 300 years from now he will pollute the enviromint by disabling a cattalytic converter on his fancy hovercraft vehicle. Anyway, she is getting full pay while she takes a danm vacation.)
Poor Igor can only read outloud if he stares at the screen and tabs his cursor to every word slowly one at a time in a loud, booming, but stilted Russian acent. So nervous was he that he coudnt even pay attention to what he was saying or reading or for that matter projecting in two foot high words in double spaced Courier type for the whole companey to read. But everyone else did and here it is:
"THE POSITIONING STATEMENT OF THE HERCULES TEAM. NOW NAMED 'THE TESTACLEES TEAM'
This is how the story of Testacles begins..."
A gasp rose from the audeince. People looked at the huge screen above and behind Igor. They could read ahead on the document what he was going to say. People motionned to try to get him to stop. But Igor, frightenned to death, never looked at the audeince. He kept on reading.
Boy I was startin to get really pissed. I knew who was behind this. I knew who hacked us, too: GRANFATHER. I looked around the audotorium at all the gaping shocked faces. No, not for the old basterd's face -- he was still in jail, actually -- yes, another one of those "pleasent, unexpected devellopments" -- but I was looking for Tilde. The only face in the room that was NOT shocked.
I climbed over my seat to where she was. She looked at me biting her lip.
"Oh dear," she said, her small toadlike face crumpoled into a worried frown.
"How did this happen! I whispered loudley. She bit her lip again and looked down at her hands in her lap, and her small stout fidgeting thumbs. She started to tell me, but just stammored in hesitation: "I...I, well, I..."
This is how the story of Testacles begins.
Ancient Greece was a time of strife and wickedness. The gods were
petty and cruel. Who could the commom man turn to, for fairness and
Yes, the world was a hairy place; a cruel marble. A wrinkled,
tortured globe, a painful orb dangling in space, hot with the sweat
of humanity and the scent of man. Who will descend to free it, to
bring it out of its murky reeking depths, exposing it to the
soothing, cooling winds?
Da-Duh-DAAH! Only one. Or make that two: TESTACLES!
"Stop rubbin my arm!, I whispered to Tilde. She looked at me ready to burst out cryin then blurted out to me, "Oh dear! Grampy called me from prison! He wanted a network ID and password. Oh, and I gave him one. Oh, I am so weak!"
Igor went on:
Born of a human woman and a real ball-breaker of a god, Zeus,
Testacles comes to fight for truth, justice, and comfortable togas.
Separated from the rest of the body of man, young Testacles was
left hanging, left holding the bag. But he itched for fame.
(Usually itching in the morning most of all). As fate would have
it, the world became his oyster. He quickly learned his way its
humid rocky surface, examining every moist gully and steamy crevice.
Honing his skills as cupbearer in the male baths, soon after
puberty Testacles quickly doubled in size, got a little sharper
around the edges, and descended southward.
A bit of a jock, Testacles knows his strengths and limitations.
Beneath a fuzzy exterior, he's quite a tender fellow. Well rounded,
he's sometimes over-sensitive, even thin-skinned. Sometimes known
for hanging outside the fold, he's still considered one of the
family jewels. He always presents himself out in the open. And he's
a genuine nut.
And a true man. Resembling men much more than women. After all, (as
every urologist will tell you), there is a VAS
DEFERENS between a man and a woman.
Oh man, that corny "vas deferens" joke. That old joke dates back to probly before Granfather even had hair on his, Oh, never mind. Well aneyway it then started to get REAL corny. Yes, classic Granfather. Old contemptouous basterd.
Testacles knows how to gird his loins and fight, even hitting below
the belt if necessary. When exposed to hazards, he charges forward,
manhood first. When confronted with danger, he turns his head and
And coughing ever while turning to the Orb-acle of Delphi for
wisdom, a fight with Testacles is a ball bearing gifts, a gift
which is usually a swift kick in the grapes. Those who attack him
find themselves, well, prostrate. Even if it's his arch-enemy and
half-brother, the God of War, Hairies. Or for that matter, Gonad
Who put the 'Rome' in Testostorome? Who put the "Dong" in Hamma-
Lamma Ding Dong?" You guessed it..Da-Duh-DAAAAAA! TESTACLES!
Well anyway guess who got it truoble for it? Yup, me. And also Tilde of course. Oh, I almost forgot: While the old basterd was there in our network, he also hacked the Haiku server too. Hidden in own my personol password protected folder were a couple of Haiku parodies I wrote, just for the private enjoymint of me, Stu and the other marketing guys. I thoght I erased them all, but there were two Haikus left in the folder. Granfather posted them at the bottom of Igor's presentation, and added a third one of his own. See if you can guess which of the three Hakius the old basterd wrote:
Same old web crap but
New frontiers in kissing butt
cyberblop dot com
More vice presidents
Per capita than a bank
cyberblop dot com
Yo momma so fat
haikus about the bitch got
I sure wasnt laughin about it then, but that last one is prety funny.
This is a longer, more freestanding and less episodic update. You may of noticed the varrious concurrent plots. I hope my learning to devellop storylines will one day make me not be as crappy a writer as i am today.
There was a time that I wrote smaller more frequent updates. I asked my readers if they woud prefer longer, less freqeunt updates, and many wrote in to say yes.
Your opinion is wellcome. Being as insecure and impressionable as I am, I am very often swayed and tossed by the currents of reader critticism. Yes like Tilde I too am weak. All coments and observattions are welcome althuogh I cannot respond to all due to the tremendous volume of email I get.
I am at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Will it be Uncle William? (Too easy). Cathyann? Stu? Junior? Tilde? Dr. Blankenship, from an ass infection thanks to Granfather's venemous bite? Or Uncle Zeke, dying of starvation with his danm foot stuck to the floor while i go on a business trip? Until next time: