Walter Miller's Homepage

Im a poet and I dont Know it.
Im a pundit: Please now, fund it

April 1997 Update

Page 1 of 8


Id like to first take this oportunity to apollogize to my readers for the poor quality of my hompage lately. Specificly, all the childish toilet humor. A little is OK I geuss but in recent updats theres too much focus on bodily functoins and I am sorry. I know with TOO much of it people will NOT tak me seroisly. Some of it is exagoration. I have a problem with exaggeraton. Im learning too theres nothin like sad times for the family and an inpending loss of a loved one that sobors you up.

This update comes to you from the road

We are in Washington DC. Well not realy were in one of those motels on the freeway. It might as well be Ohio. Im right now knelt by the bed usin my laptop. Why the hell every hotel inthe world has the phone jack as far as posible from the desk is beyond me. Well, at least the old monster's bed is near the john.

Id planned to write a April Fool update

You know, where insted of being in a trailor in rural Texas me & Granps were these realy rich English guys with cutaway coats & paisly ascots living in a fancy manor with atractively groomed hounds and servants with names like Mrs Potts and a butler named Chumley, and then at the very end have Dear Grand-pah-PAH (as I call him) walkin aroud discusing polo while sipping tea with his pinky stickin out and then unexpectadly soil his patrician attire by ferociousley crapping in his pants. And forcing Chumley to clean it up. But I descided aganst it as this is a sad time for our family. And not olny that my whole stupid life's a joke anyway for the othor danm 364 days a year.

a family crisis

We are here cause Granfathers older brother will probly pass on soon. Hes in the hospitol close to death. Its perhaps our last chance to see him. This is not Uncle Zeke who i wrote of in the past, this is Uncle William. Uncle Zeke is here too. Anyway Uncle Willaim and Uncle Zeke arent even there real names. All persons related to Granfather must have there names changed on my website by prior agreement; This is backed up by the rest of my famly as they too are enbarassed by my homepage.

I haveto honor there wishes as I owe THEM ALL money. In a seperate agrement as granfathers homecare providor I am obligated to acompany him when he travels so thats why i am here too.

Just in case you want to know what im paid for my troubles:

I get $125 a week to care for Granfather and his dogs. This includes housework, cooking, personol care, and, lately, alot of dialing 911.

Of that money I keep just $75 a month for expenses. The rest goes to pay my debts & right now i can aford only the mimunum payment. At the fixed rate Ill be paid off Dec. 31, 2047. On that date I will be older than granfather is now. Thats why Im desperate to get stuff sold and be a profesionol writer. My book tells the story of how i got so indebbited. Im hoping my book will find a pubblisher soon. I worrey alot for the future.

I am discovoring my Parrachute

To push my flailing career along Ive begun to branch off as a Internet industry spokesmen. Thats what i call myself. Ive found that many internet pundits (I especialy like that word) never realy know what the hell there talkin about and instead just rant & rave. I figore theres always room for one more Internet pundit so why the hell not ME. Unlike pundits in other feilds, in the Net industry it takes longer for readers to figore out if your a jerk or not.

But i will be one: I will learn to use the big words. I will learn to use the words "access" and "impact" as verbs. That is what ive descided the 'color of my parachute' is. Of course with my luck the parrachute wont open. And then, just as in my earliar career, the way they get you out of the feild is with a friggin spatula.

Talk abuot "impact." See, I am a pundit.

More articles sold

No, a series on the old bastord's semi-annual reptilian skin molting WASNT again purchased by a suparmarket tabloid; But Netly News DID buy a few more of my rants, each running on there front page in late March. Rather than continualey interupt my hompage updates to link to Netly, I built a menu list of all articles. When I write a new one it'll be added to THIS NEW PAGE.

I apolagize for the shameless plug but if Netley links to me I HAVTO link to them. If i dont Im afraid they will be hard-asses about it. Its dificult for me to standup for myself. I dont handol confrontations well. Im hoping Netly will let me write for them weekly or even daily. We are both keepin our fingers, (and in his case) othor non-human extremities crossed.

Granfather usualy mocks any endeavors I do with creulty but did tell me theres always room for a new internet spoksman who in his words AINT A VEGETARIAN OR A BICYCLE LANE ACTIVIST. I am neithor of those things. I mak fun of the old bastord alot but secretly hope hes proud of me.

In like a Lion, out like a beast

Now for events leading upto our trip: March ended BAD for me. Just 24 hours aftor i put up my last update all of the folowing hapenned:The last item is the worst. Right now Granfather and Uncle Zeke (who dont get along with each othor as it is) are down at the Pontiac dealorship because the old bastord made a giant amazing fart in the Benigan's parkin lot that was so poworful it set off both airbags in Uncle Zeks new car and also 3 car alarms across the street. He said it was an acident. But my Uncle claims it was on puorpose.

Its just as bad at home