Walter Miller's Homepage

Where we think outside the box, push the envolope, and for some of us, miss the bowl on purpose.

Aprill 1997 Update

Page 2 of 8


I wrote in the past about how Gramfather can fart so loud itll set off the lamp atached to the Clapper. But thanks to no-name store brand Chease Wiz he now does somthing i never thoght posible: Turn apliances both on AND off in the same breath so to speak.

Hit it Maestroe

He starts with a few monotone B-flat notes in diferent pitches; these are his warm up farts, like the Orchastra does on PBS. (You DONT want to be aruond when there playin The 1812 Ovorture.) Then when Maeistro's ready he taks a deep breath on his cigaret, rolls his eyes back & pops out a real loud brassy sounding C-sharp that sets off the lamp; then, thru a perfect combination of expert sphinctor control and inherint animal DNA, granfather is able to diminuendoe it down octave and with a 2nd wind from way up in the douodonum, brings it to a creshendo finale in massive chord in D Miner, that, you guessed it, actualy puts the friggin lamp back ON. Yes from On to Off to ON again on the same, er, event, I swear it.

Latest project

I think granfather is more desperote for fame that I am. Hes curently workin on perfecting stacatto quarter notes, and even ordered a couple ofthe new double-clap Clappers. You shoud see THOSE go off. Youd think our trailor was a danm strobe light factory.

Suprise visit

Well all the problems in my life (to use specific Net terms now that Im a qualefied Internet Industrey pundit) did indeed "converge in a synergistic dovetailing." In other words all the problems in mylife are like related doves of a feathor all ariving to crap on my head at the same time.

So, unanounced, just as granfather is on the web doin a Lexus-Nexis search to find "the world's longest" or worlds supurlative ANYthing regarding hueman flatulance, who shows up at the door but 2 people from my job.

As you know Im a remote workor and my employor has the right to show up durin business huors whenevor they please because they own much of the equiptment in my workstation. Well these 2 guys said they were on there way to Big Bend for the weekend--and thoght they might stop by for "yearly inventory" and also check my PC for viruses & upgrade my network software--but i think also they were checking up on me. Sneaky bastords.

Both guys were from systems and one was a manager. Even though he wasnt MY manager you still had to do what he says: Thats how it works.

Well what they saw did NOT make them happy. First of all I buoght my own computor a long way back. So both PCs are next to eachother in my room.

Also: You are familier with the rules which say that when a worker uses a company-owned system, the enployer has the right to look at ALL the files on the system, even personal files & e-mail. Well they went straihgt to MY conputer first and stuck a friggin disk in it. Both PCs look exatcly the same. And I said to them GET OFF--THAT ONE IS *MY* CONPUTER.

I got very upset and started cryin. I told them they better check the danm cereal numbors on the CPU first.

They said WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO HIDE WALTER?

Well, i had private stuff in there like my home page and my email plus a poem i was workin on for the womon I love. All i coud think of was that love poem blown up on the giant screen in the conference room at some meeting where I was the only one NOT invitted to the meeting. I am very sensative. You know I cant spell good. Oh crap.

I said it DIDNT MATTOR what was on there: it was MY computor.

They checked numbers and saw I was right. I do NOT like bein accused. But they also checked the cerial numbors of the sound speakers--And my speakors were on thier PC and theirs was on my PC.

I admit it

OK I did switch the speakors. It was a miner technocality. I wasnt like i stole anything but they treated my like i did: AND I DO NOT steal stuff. I was glad to swich the speakers back. I only did it cause they worked better on my PC as it had a diferent sound card.

Speakin of wierd sounds just then from the other room more clear than a sonic boom Granfather drops another melodic gasbomb then hollers, OOH, NICE FLOURRISH AT THE END. REMINISSCENT OF THE EARLIER WORKS OF ROSSINI, DONT YOU THINK?

I am written up

Both jackbooted thugs wore these doofy doubleknit polo shirts with the company logo on the left tit: Where you work they probly have them too. They gave them out at the company picnic last year and ran out: I was the only persen who nevor got one.

Well the managor gives me this lectore about the speakers, saying it was aganst company policy to use conpany proporty for anything other than company use. I then politley broght up a rather overt example of HIM doing the same ecxept MUCH MORE WORSE. He turned red, (and probly thoght to himself: How does HE know THAT?), and then he said to me all snotty: "Do as i say, not as I do."

Yeah right.

Then he sat his managerial ass down right at my work PC and dialed into the network and pulled up my workfile and wrote me up in a Violaton Report RIGHT FROM MY OWN ROOM.

I am houmiliated