Walter Miller Homepage

They say truth is strangor than fiction, but no mattor what this stuff here is, you got to admit its pretty danm weird.

April 97 Update

Page 6 of 8


Ed held his thumb down on the hose to make a strong sprey on granfathers waxy crusted scragly nakad body. I went inside to get the powdored artilery soap & wire brush. What the hell the old basterd did needed a cleaning before the trip anyway and it isnt always easy to get him to submit to a good hose down.

One thing Ed was doin that WASNT good was making a flying ribbon of wator, you know when you wiggle & snap the hose like a whip makin a loop of water sail thru the air. Granps and the pitbull tremboled with joy at the game and sprang up leaping 5 feet in the air from an all fours crouch to bite and gulp it. The snapping of jaws togethor sounded like 2 rocks.

Ed...I mean Uncle Edword: NO!

This hose game is not good because they can swallow air which is harmful & puts there life at risk. Like bloat & damage the lungs, stomoch & adbomen. Ed ignored my screams conpletely. I didnt care about his dumb pitbull. I was worreid for Granfather. Ed hollared back SHUT UP PISSFACE THEY LIKE IT. Hes a stupid fool, the same kind of person whod let a pet or loved one stick his head out the window of a moving car on the freeway--Just cause they like it DOSNT mean its good for them as any vetoranarean can tell you they they coud be blinded by flying ojbects.

Ed woudnt stop

Before long Granfather lay prone & gasping, his normaly anorecticly thin rib cage swolen & distended like a beer keg and his savage jaws still snapping at the stream of water from the hose. So I took the metal skirt off the side of the trailer & climbed under to shut the well pump. At that moment Ed'd old mother was in the bathroom washin her ass off from the long car ride squattin over the new biday our plumbor put in when he fixed the toilet. (You alredy know from my last update it was broke).

The cold water went off first and the old bitch scaulded her ass and fluffy thighs and you know what? I dont give a good danm. If you ever saw a Puffa-Lumps stuffed animol: Well thats her baggy ass.

Ed heard the screams and ran inside. The biday (prononced "bid-DAY") is a Europaen invention. I never heard of it till we got ours. Acording to the plumbor were the first famly in our county to have a BIDAY.

We also have 911 on Speed dial

When the ambolance came poor Granfather wasnt even breathing. But as the old woman was screaming, the EMT's ran inside to help HER first.

It took 4 rescue workors to slowly, delicatly negotiate the stretcher out with her sprawled on her belly on top ofit and them beneath, all 4 grunting & straining undor the crushing wieght, as they hauled her bobbly corpulant carcass out ofthe trailer onto our tiny splintery rickety wood porch.

The stretcher sagged and shuddered, as if they, like jugglers, were tryin to balence upright a wobbly 50 ton pile of white pudding on a slab of formica veneer only an eigth-inch thick that wavored & buckled from the giant mass, and finaly pitched foward, rumbling downword onto the spindly and even more ricketty wood porch steps that creaked and groaned under the enourmous pulsating tonnage of the lumberous elephentine load.

Ooh my hair!

And the whole time, the old squaw thrashed, screetched & wailed her danm mouth off like crazy for them not to mess up HER HAIR for gosdake.

Uh, yeah, she had one of those orange beehive hairdos common to low class women in the lower part of the Centrol Time Zone that you cant even get a diamand tip drill thru if you wanted to. I woudnt be suprised if a family of prarie dogs lived inside it.

She never had but 1 hair bumped out of place yet I later relized that beehive must of hit the screendoor at some point cause of a big deep torpedo-size dent in the metal.

They finaly help Granps

Normaly a veterinarion sticks a heavey needle between the animols ribs to let air ecsape from the lungs. So thats what they did to Granfather. It made a rubbery baloon noise and prety soon the old bastord was breathin thru his mouth. And the old hag relized she wasnt hurt and she had was a 1st degree surface burn on her squaushy butt and a minute later was runnin around like nothin hapened.

Granfather stayed inthe hospitol overnite. The next day when he came home his torso was wrapped in white tape with a cathator stickin out & a plastic shunt draining the wound. He also had a big black eye: The girlfrend explaned it was a inocent misundorstanding resultin from granfather bein falsely acused of placing his hand somwhere on a nurse he wasnt suposed to. A few hours after that they drove us to the airport.

The plane ride was awful

First off Granfather shoud NOT of ben traveling on a plane just 1 day after a punctore wound to a lung. Also Dad sent cash toword regular airfare but the cheap bastord booked the flites himself over the internet & pocketed the diference. We got cheep tickets but hadto change planes 3 times. (And diapers 4 times. Dont ask).

All of the going up & down with the air presurization made problems with his lung so his sore never stopped leaking the entire trip. Dribbly smelly stuff came out the cathetor the whole time all on his clothes & the seats. At one point the danm shunt tube had friggin Cheese Wiz comin out of it.

His legs felt good enuogh to walk so we checked his colapsible wheelchair as lugage. But he kept tryin to lick & bite his new incision, so the cardbord animal coller stayed on. This was a pain in the ass for people behind him who paid for the in-flight movie but there was nothin they coud do about it. Anyway its good they didnt see the movie cause it was a Jack Lemon movie. Granfather always makes these neurotic jerky exagerated face spasms everytime he sees Jack Lemon. He thinks its funny. But if your a strangor sittin next to him on a plane it looks prety danm deranged.

He makes a scene