Walter Miller Homepage

Granfather woud listen to his conscience perhapps, but he dosent normolly talk to strangers.

MID-Janaury 1998 Update

Page 3 of 5


When me, Junuor, and the minister got back home and started to go into the trailor we coud hear this scraiping fiberglass noise plus some loud thumps. It sounded like when you throw a pare of heavey soaking wet jeans all alone in the dryer and the rivits scraipe the sides as it toumbles along and then whumps around loudley. Junior said this was the same noise as when Granfather was playin aruoud with his nasty girlfreind when she came to visit, at the end of my last update.

When we got inside

The bastord was relaxing and calm. Dad was there too, hauling the typewritters out. Other than Granfather ocasionally screaming, "CAREFUL! THET THAR'S A VINTAGE 1922 UNDERWOOD! DON'T SCRATCH IT!", the old bastord was prettey calm. In fact he was even praising the good job i did during his manaicol fit.

"WALTER DONE GOOD. I'D SAY THE LIL' WUSS DELIVERED RIGHTLY IN THIS HERE CRISIS."

You see, Granfather knows that he is diffocult to get along with, and somtimes is out of controle. Also he does have supprizing moments of clarrity. He even said he was proud of me cause I'd known enuogh to toss the 1961 IBM Selectric at him first due to its airodynamic propperties. There is a sick mind at work here. There was also a perfect one inch sqaure IBM logo mashed onto his forehead from where the machine had hit him.

"LOOK, BOY, THE MARK O'THE BEAST!" grinned the bastord, pointing to the logo.

"COURSE, THEY WUZ THE BEAST ONLY TILL THE MID-EIGHTIES. THEN THEY LOST THE BEAST ACCOUNT TO THEM MICROSOFT FOLKS."

The ministor whispers to me

He said he wanted to talk alone with Granpy. Then he whisporred to Granfather. I had forgot that the ministor was one of those are peoplle who Granfather could almost get along with too. The bastord then muttered to us all that he wanted to "PARLAY SOLO WITH THE PREACHER" and that we all had to get the hell out of the trailor while he did it.

The 2 of them speak alone

They were in there allmost an hour. Me and Junior and Dad stood arround outside where we coud here Granfather's regulor speaking voice (which is as loud as a normol person's scream), and this went on for onley 5 minuts. For the rest of the hour the initialy pleasent convorsation degraded into a loud hollaring howl on Granfather's part.

We try to ignoare the ruckus

While we were standing arround in the yard Dad tryed to make unconfortoble small talk. Soon Junior was recounting the horrors of being trapped in our shed and ramboled on, tellin us the story for (atleast for me), the 5th or 6th time I'd heard it. Then nonchollontly I took a couple of cigars out of my pocket casaully asked the othor men if they wanted one.

Dad looked stern and said "how long you been smokkin cigars?" and i said that someone at a online developors conference gave them to me. All the cool web devvelopers are into cigars. Alls i wanted to do was inpress my Dad and let him know that I was mature and grown up. I started choking becuase I dont even smoke them that much. I know its just a fad. I hope the fad is ovor soon.

Then the minister came out. Junior was all ecxited and wanted to know if Granfather "repented" and he said NO. He did tell Dad that for the relativeley queit first five minutes of the talk, Granfather was asking him a few somewhat theologicol qeustions. Such as: Is there whisky in heaven? and also: Is the chili in the Great Beyond WITH beans, or WITHUOT beans, because this was an inportant culturol issue in this part of the countrey.

The ministor told us that he told Granfather that the current unreedeemed state of his soul woud surely be an impeddiment as to preclude him from ever finding that out, supposing that he died right now.

But this is not what the hollerring part was all about

He said that Granfather's screamming was due to a shift in the convorssation to the sujbect of: Windows 95.

This time the hour long tirade was about how the bastord's new 56K modem dials in at no highor than 33.6 because an unfixable Win 95/Internet Explorer bug mistakenley reads the modem as a 33.6. (Proof, I guess, that the browser realy is part of the OS.)

The ministor told us that bug-ridden softwear aside, that Granfathor is severely mentally ill and shoud be comitted to an instuttution. Or atleast undergo heavy therapy. He also said that the living horror is causing him to re-think his views on the death penilty, legolized youthennasia, and the Theory of Evolution. As a ministor he used to be agianst all 3 of these things and now he is not sure.

Anothor violent fit

When we went back inside the house, Granfather was agian worked into a software rellated lather. He was doing somthing that hes been told by many doctors NOT to do: Biting down with his lip to fource out a bad fart. There usualy is gas in there, but when he runs out, he will contineu to force. When he keeps pushing with no farts left, he will dangerousley strain himself plus risk an intestinnil rupture.

Granfather was pushing and grunting and forcing out farts that were not there so hard that he turned purple, makking a shrill scream thru his teeth while his entire scraggley emaciatted body quaked in a steadey sustained quivvoring palsy. Also being stuck in a tub by his gennittallia did not help mattors.

Junior wanted to know if Granfather was perhapps demon posessed and the ministor said probly not cause any devil in his right mind woud not be able to endure how bad the old bastord smelled plus coudnt take his friggin voice. (He didnt use these ecaxt words), but in light of this remmark, I pointed out to evveryone there that, pardon me, I AM THE ONE who has to LIVE with him.

We call the doctor

This is not Granfathers regulor physicien, (the one who hates his guts), but a new guy who for the past 6 months was begging for the chance to exammine the beast, aftor contacting us because he'd read about him in one of those British mysteries-of-medicine journols. This doctor had told us that if ever and whennever we called him, he woud be there in just 20 minuts. So we called and describbed how Granfather was forcing air down and distending his gut. He said he'd rush ovor. By the time he came he walked in while Granpy's fit had reached a new level. Alls he did was come close to the lip of the tub and when he peered in seeing the bastord for the first time he ran stummbling off to the bathroom to heave.

Dad gets the dart gun

We keep it in the closet next to the shotgun. (I was almost hopeing he woud of grabbed that shotgun insted by mistake.) The darts are giggantic, they are the size almost of toy lawn darts, and we got them from the animal behhavorol scientists at the university.

When you use the dartgun you haveto be carefull not to shoot Granfather in the neck because if you hit a bulging vein there will be a big mess. Also you risk puncturing one of the venom sacs behind his ears. Belive me you dont want that crap spreying arround the trailer.

Dad is an expert shot. He nailed him in both shoulders. He shoud be a good shot by this time. Hes been darting the bastord since he was eleven.

We queitly confer

In low hushed tones while Granfather recovvered from the sedative, (two whole dart doses which the zoo normolly uses just one for land carnivores in the 1,000 pound range), Dad collected up me, Junior, the minister and the new doctor into my bedroom. He also called the Sheriff from the phone in my room. The sherrif told us initialy that he does not want to bother with Granfather anymore, but Dad asked if he woud do it as a personal favor. So he arived a few minuts later in the squad car.

Dad told us that we 5 men must all agree to confront Granfather togethor. We had to conspire in a threat--a false threat--to kill him. It is the only way to deal with him.

The plan was that once the bastord comes out of his sedation, he must agree to an imediate change in behavoir othorwise we woud dart his ass once more, haul him onto a truck bed and this time, fill the hottub basin to the brim with pebble cement. Then after it dryes we'd sell the cemented tub as a piller post support for the new freeway interchange they are biulding down 2 counties over.

Of cource this is NOT what we plan to do, but we all had to say it as one to bluff the beast. All of us agreed ecxept we werent sure abbout the new doctor who was still retching with the dry heaves from his first exposure to Granfather. Howevor he was able to make a hand motion to us that we took as a vote of "YES".

I am taken aside

As the men filed out of my room to arm themselfs with ax handles and shovols to control Granfather as soon as he awakes, Dad asked me to stay aside in there with him. He told me that he wanted to speak to me in private about this "cigar smoking business" when me, him, and Junior were outside in the yard, and also while I was smoking I said a few swear words in the convorsation which was very unlike me. Also i was braging a little abuot my personal acomplishments; (which every time i DO brag, I usualy have to exagerate. Cause if I dont, there is nothin realy worth braggin about).

Well at first I got very deffensive but Dad woud not give me an inch. He said that he was sure my foul langauge was making Junior feel unconfortable and also it is unbecomming for a young man to act as somthing more than what or who he is. Also he said that i try too hard to impress othors and i also try too hard for the aprovol of others. As you know that when the words are true is when they hurt the most.

Also Dad said that the small town we are in is full of honest hard working people but there arent allot of those people on the Internet and I have a problem making like the whole Internet thing is more inportent than it is, almost like I am boasting. Word has gotton back to him about this. I said FINE. Why dont you just reprimmand me for everything i ever did wrong in my life.

Then i bardged out of there. You know, i am havving a difocult time in my life, and no one wants to notice the strides ive made in maturity.

Granfather awakes.