Walter Miller Homepage

"Here he lies. So what's new?"
--Acording to the old bastord's will, what he wants his grave marker to read.

MID-Janaury 1998 Update

Page 4 of 5


Meanwhile, in the livving room, the beast stirred from his dart-induced slumbor.

The snuffling noises coming from his hairy, drippey, muck encrusted sinuses were an indicattion that Granfather woud soon be waking up. As we all clammored around the perimeter of the tub, Dad slowly reached down to fasten this plastic device to Granfather's mouth so he cant bite you.

But with the bastord, (as with any wild annimal) you never realy know for sure if he is truley sleeping or mereley playing dead.

Suddenley Dad grabbed the new doctor, (for whom already this first exposure to Granpy was a mentally scarring expereince), and threuw him down on the floor.

He did it just in time.

Granfather right at that instent had hacked up an ennormous lungie perhaps the size of a small cantalope. If dad didnt push the doctor out of the way he woud of got slimed big time. Insted the gargantuan creamy wad hit the TV and splattored. Now we need to get a new TV.

Granfathers eyes were now open & alert

"I'D ALWAYS TAUGHT MY BOY," said Granpy to the doctor, while nodding toword Dad, "THET IN OUR HOUSEHOLD THE ONLY SUBSTITUTE FOR GOOD MANNERS IS FAST REFLEXES."

Also the plastic moulth guard was ruined and stuck in the steyrofoam drop cieling of our trailer.

Now that he was fully awoke the bastord sat there grimly hearing our well-rehearced plans to tell him that, so help us God, we'd soffocate him to death if he did not change his ways imediately.

We had no choice but to make this fake threat.

I know it sounds horroble, but this is a man with the reasoning of a child, or shoud I say a possessed child, or else a rabid beast. No one saw me but my eyes teared up a little bit. Mabye it was because I was ashammed to be related to Granfather, or else i was ashammed that we had to resort to such a heinuos threat, even if it was just a falce threat. Mabye i was crying a little because i was a litle humiliated over what Dad was saying to me alone in my room when he took me aside to correct me on my atitude, even if he was only about 50% on-target in his acusation. Even still no one saw me cry.

Finaly--It works: Granfather agreeas to be cut out of the tub

"CUT ME OUT FELLERS," he finaly said. In a way i felt sorry for the gristtly geezer. Think about it. You have to admire Granfather in a disgussting sort of way. Yes, he is deserving of death but also of tribute. This is a monster who fears neithor man, God or nature. In his evil infectious lifetime he has weathered the ravvages of poverty, disease, war, maximmum security prison, and life thretenning injurey. Not to mention ovorpowerring personal body smells, and the reactions of those arround him.

Yet thruogh it all Granfather has allways kept his saddistic optimism, his chearful hatred and abbuse of his fellow man. And now, aftor all this time and trial, the only thing to dampen and discuorage this lifetime of enthussiastic creulty toword others, has been HIS FRUSTRATTION WITH THE DANM WINDOWS 95 OS.

Granfather was refflective and phillosophicol about it.

"MISTER GATES ALREADY GOT US ALL BY THE BALLS ANNYWAYS," he shrugged. "AIN'T NO USE TO LET HIM SHARE HIS SPACE WITH THIS HERE BASIN."

We have a small circulor hand saw that Dad had when he was a kid because he was an ammateur gemologist and used to use it to cut sandstone and low grade gems. I think it has a diamond edge. Aneyway, with the doctor supervizing, Dad slowly cut the fiborglass tub while the minister spread this milky colored oil on the blade to cut down on flying dust and fibers. And he prayed the whole time.

"YOU'D BETTER BE PRAYIN', PREACHER," Granfather said, "'CAUSE IF ANY O' MY 'LOVE GIBLETS' HERE SUFFER SO MUCH AS A NICK, I'LL CUT ALL YOU GENT'S 'DELICATE PARTICULARS' INTO JULIANNE FRENCH FRY SHAPES WITH THE SALAD SHOOTER."

One part remains

Dad didnt want to risk cutting the steel drain collar, so while the entire tub came of him, the one-and a half-inch diametor drain collar stayed on him, encircling his leatherey scrotum like a ring. The doctor said that this shoudnt realy bothor Granfather a whole lot ecxept that he shoud take care not to "squat too close to the campfire" as to overly heat it up, or else sit on any old fashionned steam radiators.

On his way out, the Sherrif whispored to me that this was good, cause next time he had to arrest the bastord hed have one more place to clip the handcuffs, and he also muttered to the minister that when God strikes Granpy dead with a thunderbolt, this way it woud be easier for the Angel of Death to locate him from up in the clouds now that he had a metal marker on his balls as a lightning rod. The minister whispored back that the angels coud probly already smell him.

As the lawman left, Junior scurreid after him begging for a lift back to town. The squad car then screeched off at high speed.

The "dredded Side-Effect"

The docter and the minister were puzzled as to why the sherrif and Junior got the hell out of our trailor so fast, but me and Dad knew why they scrammed. It was becuase of the effect that the animol tranquillizor has on our most un-tranqiul household animal once he recovors from the drug's effects. Plainly put, the sedative gives Granfather a torrential case of the squirts.

This is gross

With the tub in jagged peices all around, Granfather lay all alone on the centor of the floor in a gnarled curl, conpletely butt nakad ecxept for the drain ring. He looked up at us, his smirking face beaming in that awful color of supermarket meat you find in foriegn countries when they forget to put the food colloring on it. We knew that the stormy deluge was comming.

Dad dashed undor the sink to toss us all rubber gloves while I ran to pull the shower curtein off its bar, and then tackoled Granfather flat onto his back on top of it.

Then i dragged the prone writhing troll down the hall toword the bathtub, imploring the other men to help, while for heavens sake they sheilded there friggin eyes and moulths in antiscipation of the reeking torrent.

A minute ago i was enbarassed about letting some othor people see me cry, and now i had a doctor and a minister loudley weeping in lament. I told them both that, you guys wanted to commit your lives to the service of othors: Well, in each life some "Granfather" must fall. And now it was falling. (And somtimes it falls in high speed in all danm directions, too). So as they choked back tears they ran arround the trailer to open all the windows. You have to do this in tornado prone areas because of dangeruos low-pressure air systems outdoors, and also in Granfather-prone areas becuase of intestinnal high pressure areas indoors.

"Heads up!!"

...me and dad both screammed.

If you 'Stand By Me' stay clear of HIM.