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MID-Janaury 1998 Update

Page 5 of 5


Do you remmember the Barf-O-Rama scene in Stand By Me. Well pictoure the othor end at work.

"HEY, PREACHER," Granfather gleefuly cackoled a few moments after Ground Zero as we lifted his demonicly grinning, fetal-positionned, squirming scrawney body into the bathtub, which Dad had alredy half-filled with the hot brown lathor of industriel aircraft detergent, "I GUESS THIS MEANS I'M A LUTHERAN: I DONE JUST 'NAILED MY NINETY-FIVE FECES' THAR ON THE BATHROOM DOOR!"

Me and dad both harschly reprimmanded Granfather for his sacrilligious disrespect. Also we oppologized to the minister for the bastords behhavor but he was very nice abuot it. But it was the new doctor who was the one who was sufforing.

The poor doctor

It is a rare time in my life when i am able to cheer up othors. That time came when i went to consoule the poor doctor who sat on the porch holding his head crying. It woud of been real easy for me to say I TOLD YOU SO, regarding his eagorness to examine Granfather.

Once when i was a kid, I saw an older doctor hollering at a younger doctor who was histericol crying after an encountor with the bastord. The oldor doctor yelled, "You see? You wanted to help others? You wanted to see medical history? Well, this is it!"

I happan to know that that youngor docter gave up medicine and now he drives a Snapple truck.

Well this doctor was sittin there weeping. There was a peice of "Pure Granfather(TM)" stuck on the side of his head the size of a mission fig that Dad was tryin to pry off with a handfull of Wet Ones towelettes as not to leave a chemicol burn on him. While Dad did this I gave the poor frightened physicien a large whiskey which he drank down fast. He was shuddering with chills even thuogh it was hot inside, and thruogh his chattoring teeth was rambling on about how he was having probloms with his wife, with his finances, and how he liked Masachusetts so much better than Texas cause in the last year hes alredy been stung on his both his foot and his ass by scorpions.

"DELTA IS READY WHEN YOU ARE," Granfather shouted from the othor room at him. That is what Granfather always says everrytime he hears a Northener who has relocated here to Texas complain about livving here.

That's all he had to hear

Granfather contineud to mock the poor doctor and makkin fun of the eastern U.S. which is somthing the old bastord always does.

"ALL OF OUR NATION'S TRUE HEROES FOGHT AT THE ALAMO," Granfather bragged. Once the doctor composed himself he said "What about Paul Revere?" and Granfather answored, "WERENT HE THE ONE WHO RAN AWAY?"

By now the liqour kicked in as to embolden the doctor and so he argued with the old ogre and the 2 of them were hollaring at each other till Granfather finaly said to him that if he didnt get the hell out of his trailor RIHGT NOW, that a scorpion sting woud be the least of his problems because he'd pounce on him and take a bite out of his ass exactley like what hapenned to that poor lady with the shark in "When Animals Attack III".

So he left FAST.

Then aftor he ran off, Granfathor said, "I LIKE THET LITTLE SQUIRT. MEBBE HE KIN BE MY NEW DOC."

The next few weeks were partialy uneventful.

Dad went back home to California. One major Bastord Tantrum came at the end of one particulor Melrose Place eppisode. It was the one where in the last scene Micheal goes into that girlie bar to rescue that woman by marching in and carrying her off, as in a rip-off of An Officor and a Gentleman. Granfatther screamed and turned pourple, and also reqiured the use of one dart to get him under controle.

The councilling sessions did not work out

We had 3 mental health counselors in a row have sessions with the basterd during the 2 weeks dad was in town. There is no shortage of people who want to council the beast. Granfather frightenned 2 of them away before the first initial sesion was even half over. One of them saw patients in her house, and she had a small dog who droped dead upon sight of him, as I wheeled Granfather ovor the front door threshhold, when Granfather looked into the house at the animal and growled at it.

He is so horribble to look at and he knows it. He is also getting especialy good at twisting his head all the way arround. It used to take him a minite or so to do it, but now he can realy spin it fast. This is what he did to get rid of the second counselor, who was a tough former Army guy. This counselor puked allover the carpet of his office, and he had just paid allot of money to install it. He gave me 10 seconds to get Granfather OFF THE PREMISSES, or else he'd call the cops, and also the State wildlife ranger's office.

The third councilor was a tough woman and she lasted 2 full sessions. After she left on the 2nd sessien, Granfather muttored to me somthing abuot how he'd "fix her good" on the next apointment.

Her third sesion was schedulled at our house. The night before, Granfather had snuck into the broom closet befforehand and unbeknownst to me had stolen a traquillizing dart which he jabbed into his wrinkly slimy thigh to time it so the sedative woud wear off just prior to the apointment. He did this to set the womon up for a display of the loose bowel situation: The "Dreaded Side Affect."

I was outside feeding the dogs when i saw the distraught councelor dash from the house sobbing in fear. From the inside i heard Granfather screamming (while also barking in his evil laughing cackol), "ODO! ODO! STOP YER SHAPE-SHIFTING, GIT OFF THE FLOOR AN' COME BACK TO GRAMPY!"

"OR ELSE I'LL HAFTO CALL CAPTIAN SISKO TO WHUP YOU UPSIDE YER PUTTY-SMOOTH FOUNDER'S ASS."

As you know Odo is the guy who can melt himself into brown liqiud from Startreck: Deepspace Nine. We never saw the counselor agian, and she nevor even billed us.

Lately with the beast

Lately (ever since the scandol with the president) I have not been able to pry Granfather away from the televission. (Or, to pry certian remaining mucky portions of "Odo" off the part of the floor under the stove where it still remains...YUCK.)

The old bastord wheels around the trailer all day humming the openning bars of ABC News, folowed by some disrespetcful comment, like this:

"BUM - BUM - BUM- PUM:
CRISIS IN THE PRESIDENT'S TROUSERS."
...Or else he goes:
"BUM - BUM - BUM- PUM:
DAY SEVENTEEN: THE EXECUTIVE APPENDAGE HELD HOSTAGE."

The othor day he was screamming on the phone with some of the Democratic Party opperatives in our county. For years they have been begging him to swich to Republicon, claiming that the loss of one vote woud be worth the wear and tear on the furnitture of the party meeting room once a month, and also because the bastord has a way of frightenning the younger members. (The Republicanns dont want him eithor, claiming that there tent isnt big enuogh for him, and even still, it isnt a sideshow tent.)

But Granfather claims he will be a Democrat for life, a rellativly conservative one too, like most rural Texans of his age. He is what is commonly known as a "Yellow Dog Democrat." It is a Texas term for someon who always votes democrat even if a yellow dog is running for office. But Granfathor also has ben known to vote G.O.P. from time to time, so in his particiulor case the term 'yellow dog' reffers specificly to his level of I.Q.

What he was screaming abbout

Granfather is a big supporter of Mr. Clinton and he wanted the party leadors to please pressure him into better behhavior. He also said that he didnt want Gore in 2000 cause his suits dont look like they fit right, and insted he suggested they instead run somone more rugged and with suave voter appeal, like perhaps motion picture star James Woods or mabye Sameul L. Jackson.

"I DONT EVEN KNOW IF THEM FELLERS ARE EVEN DEMMYCRATS," the bastord gruffed, "BUT HELL, THE LAST ACTOR PRESIDENT WE HAD AT LEAST KEPT HIS DANM PANTS ON."

The scandol is getting to him

Being glued to the TV for a few weeks has effected Granfathers alredy demented brain even more than a few months of being atached to a large plumbing fixturre. Here are a few of the random comments from the bastord in the past few weeks regarding TV covorage of the crisis in the White House:

Watching Sam Donoldson:
"TURN DOWN THE SCREEN BRIGHTNESS! THE DANM GLARE FROM HIS HAIR IS DONE BLINDING ME!"

Watching Ken Starr:
"WATCH CLOSE: SEE IT? THET THAR'S A CLIP-ON TIE!"

Watching Mrs. Clinton:
"HOW ON EARTH COUD A RED-BLOODED TOMCAT CHEAT ON A GORGEOUS HUNK O'WOMAN LIKE THAT?"

Watching Peter Jennings:
"IT'S CALLED METAMUCIL, PETE. COMES IN A BIG BEIGE CANISTER. AISLE THREE. GO GIT YERSELF SOME."

Watching the President:
"FLY'S DOWN...MADE YUH LOOK! FLY'S DOWN...MADE YUH LOOK! FLY'S DOWN..."

Watching Lewinsky's atorney, Mr. Ginsburg
"GIT RID OF THE BOWTIE, SON. YOU LOOK LIKE GEORGE WILL'S GRANDPAP."

Watching Vernon Jordan:
"CAN WE GIT SOME FOOTAGE OF HIM WITHOUT THE DANM RAINCOAT? OR IS IT STUCK ON LIKE MY HOT TUB WERE?"

Watching Monica Luwinsky:
"SO WHUT. MAYBE SHE CAIN'T SQUEEZE HER YOUNG BUTT INTO THET SKINNY-ASS SEVEN-OF-NINE SUIT, BUT I SAY SHE'S STILL A CUTIE."

Watching Genifer Flowers:
"I'D ALWAYS KNOWED SHE WUZ TELLIN' THE TRUTH THE WHOLE TIME. I ONLY REGRET SHE WEREN'T SAYIN' IT ABOUT ME, AND IT WUZN'T A LIE NEITHER."

Watchin Paula Jones:
"AND TO THINK, BETWEEN MONICA, GENNIFER AND HER, SHE WERE THE ONE WHICH TURNED HIM DOWN."

Watching Linda Trip, (while he cackles like Margaret Hamilton):
"AND THAT GOES FOR YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO, DOROTHY! HEEE-HA-HA-HA!!"

Watching Mr. & Mrs. Gore:
"WATCH IT YOU TWO! YER BOTH SMILING TOO MUCH."

Watching George Stephonopoulis:
"WHUT THE HELL'S THE LITTLE FELLER FROM SPIN CITY DOIN' HERE?"

Watching Cokie Roberts:
"I DON'T KNOW WHUT IT IS ABOUT THET WOMAN IN A LONDON FOG, BUT WHOO-EEE! PASS THE TABASCO, NURSE RATCHET!!"

Watchin Sen. Trent Lott, durring the Responce to the State of the Union Adress:
"THAR HE IS AGINN! THET DEVIL-POSSESSED VENQUILITRIST'S DOLL FROM THET OL' TWILIGHT ZONE EPPYSODE!"


That's it for this update--see you tword the end of the 1st week of Febuary


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