Walter Miller's Homepage

"The 100% American is 99% an idiot."
-- George Bernard Shaw

Janaury 1998 Update

Page 6 of 6

It was a 3 day drive going allmost every day and night and if I figured at that moment that if I left within the hour I woud be there beffore dark on the 24th.

The long drive

It is a VERY long drive and it was teddious and uneventful. I didnt even care for the scenery. I was deepdown worried for Granfather. But i did pile the hot tub with all kind of food. Also i dropped by Junior's place to please ask him to stop in once a day and take care of Granfather. Junior is a man who lives near us and somtimes takes limmited care of the bastord and does odd jobs. Lately he has been frihgtened of Granfather. But i gave him a pile of some leftover premuims and T-shirts I got at Internet World and this changed his mind. Yes, FREE T-SHIRTS did it.

Junior is not too smart

I figoured what the hell. Marketing managors learned this long ago. Acording to my freind Stu, (a marketing genius), even the most ill-tempored $75-an-hour programmors will work overtime and probly not even bill you for the extra time if you only give them a couple of danm $5 T-shirts for free now and then. No surpize it worked for Junior. (And it's all in the presentattion too, Stu says: You aproach them when there on the phone, clear your throaght so they see you, smile, then gentley drape the shirt on the armrest of there chair.)

I was nervuos the whole drive

Every few hours of my drive I stopped to call the old bastord to check on him. He violentley screamed at me durring everry phonecall things like: "YOUVE GOT A DARK AURA, YOU LITTLE ORNERY VARMINT."

And also:
"YOU NEED TO GIT YER SKINNY-AS-A-POLECAT ASS CLEANSED FROM ALL THIS HERE NEGATIVE ENERGY."

Ill say the old Sonoff Fobich is spendin WAY too much time in those New Age chat forums.

My last call to him

Then oddley, when i called for the final time, (along the 58 cutoff from Bakersfeild to the 5 freeway), Granfather seemed to be distracted. I heard annother voice there. The bastord WAS NOT alone. It was not Junoir's voice eithor...

Naw it coudnt be...

When i arived at my folks house Dad and my stepmom answored the door at the same time. Thank God they did. Dad was so shocked i thoght he was gonna faint. They all knew I was coming cause the Bastord called them, but it was a shock still for him to actualy see me, considoring how he was holding in his feelings of how pissed he truly was, in hopes of releasing it all once i genuinly showed up at his door.

My stepmom is such a wondorful person becuase she was saying look at how lucky we are that Walter came, in order to head off any teribble Christmas problems. Horrible Holiday memories are a pattern in my disfunnctional family.

My brother and sisterinlaw are both a litle mean to me.

My brother was in a jovial mood the whole time, but he kept taunting Dad: "Look, Dad! Walter's here! Where's Granfather? Who's seen Granfather?"

There was a secret going on

Yes i coud tell everyone was keeping somthing from me. After we openned the presents i was playing in the den with my little nepheuw who i love so mutch and my stepmom came in to tell me what the secret was: On the second day aftor i left, (late the night of the 23rd), Granfather's horible mean disgusting Girlfreind showed up at the trailer!!! Yes, the evil old crone with orange hair. Remember, she is the one whos curently sought by police on the charge of atempted murder for, (where perhaps you read in my Septembor 1997 update), colapsing the old coot into the fold-out sofa-bed as punnishment for cheating on her (with her own sister) soon after her and the old bastord anounced plans to get married.

Now i was the one shocked!

And the reason dad was so pissed at me was that if I was THERE at the trailor, instead of HERE in Cailfornia, i woud of been able to call the sherrif on her. The way it ended up insted, she showed up right at the door while only Junior was there, and he didnt know that she was wanted by the police.

I get the whole story: Aditional felony charges are involved

While this pasty faced woman (who looks like Ronold MacDonold in drag) was driving up our gravel path in her giant old Buick Centurey, she slammed right into poor Junior (who has teribble hearing and coudnt hear her coming). He wasnt hurt bad, and was onley unconscious, but it was still a fellonious hit-and-run acident. Then with her fat waffly dimpley arms she dragged the poor frightenned man into the shed and locked him there where acording to my stepmom he had to spend 14 hours locked alone with Amputee Santa who he is even more scaired of than i am until he excaped. Plus Junoir cut his mouth and gums real bad by chewing his way to freedom.

Meanwile, in the house, Granfather apeared to of not only forgiven the woman for her atempt to kill him, but the two old lacivvious geezers seemed to of patched things up to a VERY freindly level: This is because Junior said he coud hear "loud rommantic noises" coming from the trailor, (from the window of MY room--Oh, how GROSS!!)

Then Junior ran home and called the Sheriff. By the time he got there, (stupidly running six miles to town while both of the cars were sittin there with the keys in them), THE OLD SQUAW WAS GONE.

The worst part abbout it was that he didnt have to ruin his moulth and gums by "chewing to freedom" thru heavey wood planks for half the day -- there was a shovel in the cornor of the shed he coud of used to dig the clay dirt floor out from undor the wall instead. It probly woud of took him 15 minuts. Its just that he saw in a movie once abuot someone chewing his way to freedom, and somehow he thoght that chewing was the only way, and so thats what he did. Poor, poor stupid stuppid Junior.

The Next morning

After Christmas Day brunch dad told me sternley that i must get BACK in the car and go home imediately. He was pissed at me BIG TIME but woud not make a scene on Christmas. First i had to drive him to the airport because he was goingto have to step in and take care of the beast in Texas while I bruoght the car back. He was especialy furious with me becuase him and my stepmom had planned a trip to Hawaii and now he woud have to cancel. Plus the tickets were non reffundable. I was to drive back right away and as soon as i got there, he woud leave.

"You really effed up Walter," he said to me in a low and non-yelling voice, and my Dad does not evor realy curse.

Meanwhile my brother and sister in law were singing a song called "Granfather Miller," that they wrote, and they were taunting me with it. Althuogh Granfather's last name is not 'Miller', (my dad changed his name to a diferent one than the beast's as soon as he turned 21), they called the song 'Granfather Miller.' Also, they said that once they had the cartoon website going they were gonna run song contests. They told me they were gonna kick my ass by gettin allot more hits than my homepage.

The song has allot of verses but these 2 are the onley ones I remmember. The song is sung to the tune of Eleanor Rigby:

Granfather Miller
Laid in a Bed
While his Red-headed Hag who is aged
Was so enraged.

She cought him cheating.
She closed the couch
And will vouch they're no longer engaged:
The Bastord is caged.

Walter's Granpa's Girlfreinds...Where do they all come from?...
All those awful Girlfreinds...Where DO they all come from?...

Granfather's Girlfriend
Looks like ten pounds
Of chuck round
in a bag that holds five
Will she arrive

At Granpy's Trailer?
And will she shut
Junior's butt in a hut half alive?
Will he survive?

Granpa's nasty girlfriends...Where DID this bitch come from?...

Once i got back home

OK, there were some investiggators there with Dad, and also some other peoplle. Granfather was screaming at all of them in a mannor that was uncooporative with the law enfourcement authorrites. Junior was there too, and when my Dad and the deputey sherrif asked him: "Didnt you know this woman was on the lam?" Junior answored, "She werent on the lamb. She were in the tub, with Granpy. Makin noises and what not in Walter's room."

Granfather the whole time kept interuppting by screaming and spitting and farting and holloring and woudnt get undor control so someon had to call a truck with a giant hose on it.

Also there were nummerous of those seashell looking things inside the tub with him too, but not too many on the wall.

This whole period until New Years Eve day I am not allowed to talk abuot yet because of overt and blatant clues concerning the trackdown of the hag.

END OF THIS UPDATE

Sorry Agian that it was late. I will try to have anothor update for MID-Janaury done soon.

Go Back to menu of all updates