Walter Miller Homepage

Quality, dysfonctional family entertainment

August '96 Update

Page 3 of 7


Tape Dont Lie.

Before the old fiend is phsicolly thrown out by bein wheeled out of the store theres some plastic buckets on the counter full of Slim Jim's and nonsport cards and pogs. Granfather knocks the buckets off the counter onto his lap and while fighting the man he pushes pogs and cardpacks underneath himself TO STEAL THEM. The man slips on the soap right on his ass. While hes down on the floor granfather pokkes him with his cane and rolls the whelchair over his knuckels. Its all cought on the sourvellence tape and I since saw a copy of the tape.

By coinsidence theres one other customer in the store and its someone from our town who knows our family. Hes a minnister. The man grew up with my dad and hes in there with his 2 sons. They got up early to go fishing.

I know this cause later that afternoon the minister called to let me know that he broke up the fight and that he saw granfather all by himself and he wondered cause it was strange to see him unescourted. It is only becuase of this nice man that granfathers ass isnt in jail right now. The ministers kids are about 11 and 12 and the younger one started to cry just by bein around granfather. Thats how scary he is. The way i see it cleaning your first catfish is going to be a less disgousting experience for these two youths now that theyve started there day off by seeing granfather first. Were hoping the store owner drops the charges cause we have a court date.

After this incident the ornery old coot heads north toward the collectibels show. He starts to get a feel for his home made driving contraption and pretty soon he picks up speed.

Another confirmed sighting

At about 11 AM which is even before I publish my Emergency Summer Update, dont you know I get e-mail from a reggular reader of the Walter Miller hompage. He says that one hour prior he spotted the old monstrosity. Just by lookin at him for 2 seconds he knows IT HAS TO BE HIM.

In this e-mail he also describbed things not in my updates that no one else would know unless they saw grandfather in person: His scruffey spikey hair was smooth down with hair jell and parted in the middle. He never does that unless hes going out.

Also the way he drives- Granfather is one of those people who goes 40 miles an huor in a 55 or 65 zone. When people get behind him to flash there lights to make him move over, he puts his right blinkor on to give the inpression that hes moving over BUT HES NOT. He just goes slower to annoy the guy behind him, and also makes hesitant glances to make like hes GOING to move over, but never does. Then if you try to pass him on the right hell try to get into the right lane just when you do it and go even slower still. He does this for laughs and to specificoly piss off his fellow man.

Meanwhile if you tailgate (and hes hoping that you do) hell spit brown phlemm and snot at you behind him. You better wash it off soon cause it will bake on there and never come off. He used to save handfuls of pennies and also gravel and throw them at other motorists behind him. Granfather has a prominent distaste for you if you have a bumpor sticker he doesnt like. If you have an Ann Richerds sticker on your car you havent scraped off yet and grampas nearby hell flip you the bird. He hates people with the AAA stickor and somehow thinks its asociated with the Tri-Latteral commision and the New World Ordor. He belives that drivers with enviromental slogans or Baby on Boaord signs are missing essential chrommosomal pairs and are theirfore targets of abbuse. Also any Volvo driver.

The e-mail writer apologized to me because all this time he thought my website was a spoof BUT NOW HE SAW THE OLD BASTORD. Yes I admit it I exaggerate granfathers monstrous quallities from time to time BUT IM NOT A SPOOF and now there are witnesses.

Now hes spotted by the law

I told you that granfather can turn his head to face behind him while he is driving to leer and make wierd faces at the car behind him. Hell do this too. He used to do it when my brother and I were younger and used to spend summers in Texas with him. Granfather would yell WHATS THE ROAD AHEAD OF ME LIKE, BOY. I CANT SEE IT. TELL ME HOW TO STEER OR ILL CRASH THE CAR GOLLDAMMIT!!

CONTINUED: The sherrif calls