Walter Miller's Homepage

Just the facts, and a whole lot more.

Early Febuary 98 Update

Page 2 of 6


As you know Granfather has a new doctor who i wrote abuot in my last update. Hes a young doctor, and seems eagor, but in many ways is naive. Granfather calls him 'Dr. Carter' who is that young pain in the ass docter on "E.R." and of corse he dosent like to be called that.

Aneyway I am a little mad at this doctor myself because of somthing that he did as a result of a lawsuit that was just filed agianst Granfather. More about what the doctor did that made me angrey in a minute. but first:

TWO new lawsiuts!

Yes in early Febuary my old ancestrol ogre was charged with papers TWICE.

There are a few things that hapened since Granfather was freed from his tub, (which i also wrote about last month), that are on the downside.

First, freed from the nabbed 'nad, the bastord is now more mobile. Thus he is able to raise more hell.

Secondley, while trapped in the tub, his voice (and all of his bodilly noises) were ampliffied like a giant fiborglass meggaphone. He liked the extra noise he made, and now in the tub's absence, he now tries extra hard to blast out shouts, and gas, to make more decibels. The result: A louder, (and smellier) beast all around.

And thirdley, Granfather has once more been licking and biting the sores on his shouldor, which were rubbed raw from the whirlpool basin jail, and so he had to be fitted again with annother of those large size cardboard pet collers he used to wear. You have seen these collors before, when getting your pet dog or cat back from the vetorinarians office so they dont bite thier wounds or lick there balls after an operation. (In Australia a nice man writes in to tell me that they are called 'bucket collars' in his country.)

Well anyway, the coller, added to his already louder noises, amplifies those noises YET AGAIN.

And this is how we got charged in one of those 2 lawsuits.

Granpy is being sued by the people next door. Even though they live a half mile away, they are our closest neighbors. I do not write abbout these people much, but I did mention in an update last year that they have troppicol birds as pets, and that Granfather was sued once for causing odors which wafted over there and killed the birds.

Granfather's classic dischardges, even from a half mile away are fatol to troppicol birds. (The sustaining winds from El Nino straihgt from our trailor to thier house dont help eithor).

This is the 4th time these people are suing him

There have been 3 pryor lawsiuts from these neighbors dating back to since they moved in in 1989.
  • In the 1989 lawsuit, he is sued for Animal Cruelty on acount of his rancid farts that floated over. Granfather was already under Superior Court order not to eat cabbage, and so he also faced state charges for contempt. Howevor the bastord had the case dropped because he found an article in the librery that showed that cooking certian foods like liver, or tomatoe soup can cause fumes that will kill certin birds. The wily beast had snuck on the nieghbor's property and riffled thruogh their trash and found emptey soup cans which he presented as evidence. (He was howevor convicted on another charge for tryin to steal a payphone from the courthouse hallway durring a bathroom break of the trial).

  • In the 1994 lawsiut, again cabbage and other dark leafy green and asorted varieties of other nitrogen-rich cruciform vegetables were involved. This time, the Animal Cruelty law was upped (suposedly as a result of a law passed in the Legistlature) to a new offence called First Degree Avian Asphyxiation. Yet once agian, Granfather got them to drop the charges. How he did it this time was, he ran up to the plaintiff's minivan in front of the courthouse just beffore the trial, and purposeley jammed his hand in the door when they shut it. There was frikkin blood everywhere and he was rushed to the hospitol.

    Granfather later tried to sue THEM for hurting HIM on purpose. He agreed to drop his suit if they dropped theirs about him killing the birds. The danm hand remains badley mangled.

    I wasnt there, but my brothor was, and he got it on videotape. The old bastord is rolling arround on the pavement holding his hand loudly screaming in a perfect immitation of Eric Roborts in the film "The Pope Of Grennwich Village" after a mean gangster, (played by the guy who plays Pauly from the Rocky films), has his thumb chopped off, and he is screamming in pain to his cousin Charly:

    "DEY TOOK MY THUMB, CHALLY! DEY TOOK MY THUMB!

  • In the 1995 Lawsiut Granfather was arested for capturing and eating one of the birds. It was like, a $1,400 bird and was atleast 40 years old at the time it was repported missing. Oddley, on this charge, I beleive that the bastord was innocent, due to a strong alibi with a local hoe and also a lack of Habeus Corpus; (They never found the bird); But Granfather had to make an ass out of himself by bragging to all his freinds in town abuot how 'tough' the meat was, and walkin arround the aisle of J.C. Penney's with a coupol of bright green feathor dustor fronds coming out of his nose, and also calling up the nieghbors in harassing calls at 3 AM to holler, "WHY, SHUT MAH MOUTH, IT MOST SERTAINLY DOES TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!"

    This was the onley lawsuit where he was found guiltey. But it was later revversed to "Inocent By Means of Insanity."

  • The papers arive

    When you get served with court papers, somtimes people have to sneak up on you. This isnt hard in a big city like Austin or New York. But in a small town like ours you can be asurred that when aproached by a strangor, it is someone serving you with papers.

    This was REALY weird, because on Febuary 2nd, this man showed up and handed the papers to granfather while I was outside hosing him off; (DONT ASK WHY i was hosin him off!!)

    The next day was Feb 3rd, and i had the feeling that i was in the movie Groundhog Day, becuase the same ecaxt time, the same guy arrived to serve papers.

    I will NOT explain to you what kind of lawsuit the Febuary 3rd papers were for eithor: It is too disgousting. But i will tell you what the Febuary 2nd ones were for.

    Monkey see, monky do--and SAY

    As you know some troppicol birds are great mimics. Our neighbores have 2 birds. One is an Africon Grey Parret and the other is called an incubus, or an erebus or a calculus (i do not know allot abuot bird types). Anyway the birds are making horoble noises.

    Yes, Granfather noises.

    There are assorted intestinol noises. There is the screamming of "GIT ME MY SMOKES, YOU SUMBITCH" which is what granfather hollors at me all day. The birds mimick the beast good.

    Also: The hiccups.

    Granfather has teribble hiccups and they are so loud, that one of them made a crack in the plexyglass window of our trailer. They sound like a giant loud coconut noise. The neighbors claim that as the birds try to immitate the hickups, they will hurt their rare avian tropical chests and throats.

    But the WORST: It is the clearing of his horroble throaght.

    Both of the parrots are immitating Granfather hacking, grunting, clearing, and forcing up of slimy protoplasmic wads. THIS is why they are suing him, and it is for this noise alone.

    "Warning, Will Robinson, Warning!" (Warning because This is gross)

    It is a wet, Phlemmy, splashy disgousting mucusy sound. It sounds as if he is trying to hack up from the lowor reaches of his chambered reptillian gullet two ovorweight Portugiese Man-O-War jellyfish who are stuck in there between his phariynx and lariynx while loudley wrestling with each othor for a peice of rubbery squid (which is also in there with them), and at the same time are holding down 3 or four whipped cream canistors with their jellylike tenticles. It is an utterley non human sound. The neighbors said they may be forced to put the animols to sleep if they dont stop it. Anyway Granfather dosent seem to care about this lawsuit. (Or the othor lawsiut, the one to horoble to mention).

    I get an answor from one of my personal ads!!