Walter Miller's Homepage

"It's a curious image: the Web as repository for ceaseless narcissism, a hall of mirrors all reflecting the same lint-encrusted navel."
-- Joey Anuff

Early Febuary 98 Update

Page 5 of 6


Yeah right, HIM talking about a 'lack of ethics'.

At one point, Granfather kept hollaring about the "lack of ethics" when the TV crew had that guy who used the cane on Nancy Kerrigan 4 years ago jump out of the curtian backstage to scare the hell out of the poor womon who wittnessed the attack.

Then later during the comercial, the bastord calmed down and said, "THIS HERE GIVES ME AN IDEAR."

He told me that he was going to spring some sort of ambush on the peoplle suing him: Mabye by slamming his hand in a car door near them, or perhapps imitating their African Grey Parrot immitating HIM in some public place.

I told him he BETTOR NOT, but i made the misteak of saying it while the show was on, and before i knew it, as my words were running ovor the vague, soft-spoken recollections of the pale, toothsome aloof silver medalist, Granfather smacked me hard right on my knuckol with his teaspoon. Not once but 7 or 8 times, even after i stopped speaking, and then when I said, "stop hittin me!" he said, "SEE? YOUR TALKIN AGINN, BOY," and he hit me even more. It hurt like hell but the worst part was that there was allot of his venemous spit on the spoon.

That night we had a queit supper

During supper the gristly geezer's convorsation was down to a minnimum all thruoghout the meal, as he struggled to concentraite all of the limited low-wattage power of his tiny simian brain onto a calculater and tally sheet on the table next to him as he strove to total up what entries woud be added to that new wallboard in my room.

Fortunatly for me, Granfather is too dumb to talk and add at the same time. Doubley fortunate for me, he also cannot eat and fart and the same time neithor.

Anothor guest

Aparently the doctor must of called the minister after he left, cause the minister came by. Granfather was happy, because he had some things to ask him. The three of us sat at the kitchon table for 2 hours workin on a jigsaw puzzel while Granfather asked stupid ethical and theologgicol qeustions. They ranged from President Clinton's veiws that orel sex is not really adultery, (which Granfather agreed with), to the issue of Rush Limbough's drammatic wieght loss, (which Granfather opposed).

"THEM REPUBLICONS TALK BIG ABOUT CUTTIN' PORK AND FAT, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THEIR ONLY SUCCESS WAS GITTIN' OLE RUSH DOWN TO SIZE."

The old ill-mannered coot loves to talk about politics with religuois people and about religion with politicians only becuase he knows how unconfortable it makes them both feel.

Other unconfortable qeustions Granfather asked the minister that night:

  • IS YOU A DEMMYCRAT OR A REPUBLICON? DON'T DODGE THE QUESTION. ANSWER IT, PREACHER!
  • HOW MUCH MONEY YOU EARN LAST YEAR? BEFORE TAXES?
  • YOU EVER SMOKE DOPE IN COLLEGE? YOU KIN TELL ME, BOY.
  • YOU EVER SEEN THE SEINFELD EPISODE WHERE THEY HAD "THE CONTEST?" WHUDJA THINK? HOW WOUD YOU END UP IN THET THAR CONTEST?
  • The minister is a very polite man, and he puts up with the bastord. Actually, i think he genuinly likes Granfather, but for whatever reason, who knows. Though I am sure howevor that he dosent agree with Granfather's religuois views.

    A bizzarre and twisted creation Theollogy.

    Granfather believes some very weird things regarding God and his fellow man. The old beast beleives, (and of cource there is no sceintific or spirituol proof for this), that for every person in the world, there are a number of counterparts.

    For exampol, Granfather is a white man, but he beleives that somwhere on this earth there is his black counterpart, his brown counterpart, and his Asien one. He is sure that there are female versions of these countorparts too, for a total of 8 people, (in his case, 8 very very, disgousting people), and all 8 were all born at the same time to diforent sets of parents arround the world.

    Of cource this is ridiculuos, and the minister agrees. Yet Granfather actualy had me believing this at one time when i was a small child. He also used to take, (and still does), great amusement in locating the "counterparts" of varrious people he observes in public places. I remember one time when I was very young we were in DFW airport for some reason or annother, and the bastord whispered to me while pointing to a certain old gent who was shuffling along, "LOOK, BOY: THAT THERE FELLER WITH ALL THE EXTRA CARRY-ON BAGS IS THE CHINESE PRESIDENT GERALD FORD. NOTICE HE AIN'T GOT NO SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION LIKE THE WHITE VERSION DO. I EXPECT HIM TO SLIP ON HIS ASS AT ANY TIME NOW, OR ELSE BEAN SOME POOR SOUL ON THE HEAD WITH A DANM GOLFBALL."

    The ministor gentley explained to Granfather that none of this coud ever be possibley true. Yet the old troll will hear none of it, maintaining his adhearence to his belief that 8 idendicol people of variant shades and genders are all simultanneously created in some sort of celestial no-stick Muffin Tray. Which, suposedly, is neatly wrapped in mylar and then kept in a plastic bag in a cubby hole undorneath the Pearley Throne, rihgt next to the Book Of Good and Evil.

    The bastord is adamently sure of this.

    I happen to be sure myself that Granfather's entry under the "Evil" section of that book has an astorisk which points you to a footnote which reads, "Editor's Note: See also the Book of Ugly and Stupid, First Edition."

    The minister is throwed out

    Granfather kept yammering on about how, thanks to the internet, he was now gonna track down his 7 other "counterparts" and have them over for a "big ass barbacue party" and finaly the minister said, 'Granpy, what you are saying is not in the Bible.'

    With a angry grunt of frustrattion, the abusive geezer outstretched his wizened sinewey arm ovor the kitchon table and then swept it ovor the jigsaw puzzol quickly spreying puzzle peices allover the floor. He said a mean cruel remmark to the minister and ordered him to "GIT HIS HOLIER-THAN-THOU-ASS" out of his trailer unless he wanted it even "holier" from his shotgun trained on it. So he got up to leave.

    "NOW PREACHER," Granfather furuoisly hollared after him as he left, "I WANT YOU TO GO DOWN TO THAT THAR FEED STORE IN TOWN, AN' THEN I WANT YOU TO COME ON BACK, AN' TELL ME WITH A STRAITE FACE THET YOU AIN'T GOT WORKIN' THAR BEHIND THE COUNTER BOTH THE BLACK NATHAN LANE AND THE WHITE FEMALE BRYANT GUMBEL."

    Yes Granfather is crazy