Not quite yet a Cayman Islands corporration
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I asked him where in the hell did he set up this date, and how did he do it so fast?
"ONE O'THEM (900) NUMBER SINGLE'S DATE LINES," he said.
Now i was worreid. I asked him, what is goingto happan when she sees how reppulsive he is? Not to mention the dentol floss experriment. Granfather asurred me that based on there phone convorsation, (which they had for sevoral hours that day while i was at work), he had nothin to worry about.
"BESIDES," he said with an evil grin which showed all of his chartrueuse coloured teeth and mottled dark brown and forest green gums, "THE BABE'S GOT A.O.L., AN WE'VE ALREDY DONE THE NASTY WILD CHATROOM THANG!"
I was reeling and was sure i was gonna start blowing chowder. I rose from the sofa, but Granfather grabbed my arm and pulled me back down. Then he said "WAIT HERE BOY," while he wheeled into the othor room. He came back with a large and rathor dog-eared white and green softbound book which he plopped down on the coffee table.
"THIS HERE WERE YOUR PAW'S BOOK," he told me, as the dentol floss which threaded out of his lips from deep within his throat danced with the movement of his speech. My Dad had told me about this book, and i had only seen it once in our house. It was from the earley 1970s, and Dad had got it from eithor senior year in highschool or first year college.
Dad had told me that many years ago, Granfather had found the book in his room. Then he gave Dad a whupping and took the book away for him. Dad never saw the book again--until he came to visit, like only last year.
Anyway i told Granfather that i did NOT need to read the book. But even still as nosy and haughtey as he is, he felt compelled to give me advice. The old bastord blocked the door and reffused to let me out unless I stood there and listened to all his stupid "tips to romance." Let me tell you somthing: Granfather is as stupid as he is mentally ill, and just as mean to boot. I did not use ANY of them.
There was more than ten, and I wont share them all, but in any case of the ones I remembor, here are:
(In no particuolor order)
# 10FIRST THING WHEN YOU SEE HER, TELL HER SHE LOOKS PURTY. EVEN IF SHE'S GOT A FACE LIKE A SHEEP'S BUTT. LIE IF YOU HAVETO. IF YOU GO TO HER HOUSE AND SEE HER MAW, TELL THE MAW SHE'S PURTY TOO.
# 9TELL HER YOUR A DEMMYCRAT. WIMMEN LIKE THAT, EVEN REPUBLICAN WIMMEN. IT'LL NEVER HURT YOU, AN' IT MAY EVEN HELP YOU GIT SOME 'YOU KNOW-WHUT'.
...LORD KNOWS YOU NEED SOME, BOY.
# 8TALK ABOUT EL NINO. DON'T MATTER WHUT ABOUT, BUT JUST USE THE WORD "EL NINO" IN ALL YER CONVERSATIONS.
# 7LATER ON, IF THINGS GO WELL, AND YOU START SMOOCHIN' AWAY, BE SURE TO SAY ROMANTIC THINGS LIKE, 'YOU KNOW DARLIN, I GOT ASTROTURF IN THE BACK SEAT.'
IF IT SHE HAPPENS TO BE REAL UGLY, WELL, JEST HAVE AN EXTRA DRINK OR TWO, SWALLER YER PRIDE, SHUT YER EYES TIGHT WHEN YER KISSIN' HER, AND MAKE-PRETEND SHE'S 'DR. QUINN: MEDICINE WOMAN'.
# 6IF SHE STARTS BITIN' YOUR NECK, DON'T RESIST. ONE OF TWO THINGS IS GOING ON: SHE'S GIVIN YOU A LOVE BITE, OR ELSE SHE'S A VAMPIRE. IF SHE DO TURN OUT TO BE A VAMPAAR, WELL, YOU CAINT DO NOTHIN ABOUT THAT...
# 5DURING THE MEAL, SAY INTELLIGENT, NEWSWORTHY THINGS, LIKE: 'THE RIGHT-TURN-ON RED LAW WAS JUST THE FIRST STEP IN THE SLIPPERY SLOPE OF POOR MORALS IN THIS HERE COUNTRY.' ...OR SOME SUCH...
# 4INSIDE THE RESTUARANT, TRY NOT TO GET A TABLE NEAR THE RESTROOM DOOR. THERE'S PLENNY O'TIME FOR NASTY SMELLS ALL DURIN' SUPPER AFTER THE MARRIAGE.
# 3ALWAYS ORDER YERSELF THE BIGGEST STEAK ON THE MENU, EVEN IF ALL'S YOU WANT IS THE CHICKEN SALAD. SAY REAL LOUD TO HER, 'I'M AS HUNGRY AS A GRIZZLY BA'AR!!" DRIVES THE GALS CRAZY.
# 2BRING A PAIR OF NEEDLE NOSE WIRE CLIPS TO SNAP THAT THAR BRA STRAP OPEN, IN CASE YOU CAIN'T GIT THE CLASP UNHOOKED WHEN YER BACK INSIDE THE CAR MAULING HER.
(REMEMBER, THIS IS TEXAS, SO SOME O'THEM GALS' FATHERS DO INDEED SEAL THEM THINGS UP WITH A SODDERING IRON).
EVEN IF SHE SLAPS YOU ONE, AT LEAST SHE WILL ADMIRE YOUR INVENTIVENESS AND PERSISTENCE. OH YES, GRANPY SURE DO KNOW WIMMEN, YESSIR HE SURE DO...
# 1ABOVE ALL, RULE ONE IS: LIE FOR SEX. LIE, LIE, LIE. TELL HER ANYTHIN' YOU CAN, NO MATTER HOW CRAZY, WHICH'LL GIT YOU WHAT YOU WANT, AS FAST AS YOU KIN GIT IT. THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD GOES ON, BOY, AN' I TELL YOU WHUT: THE WIMMEN ALREADY KNOW IT, TOO.
Granfather told me that lator on, if the dating shoud happan to proceed into a full-flegded rellationship, he would help me out with othor inportant things to know and say, like:
And also, (and this is the real inportant one):
He also said that you have to say "Yes" even when you mean "No", and say "Sorry" even if you didnt do nothin wrong. No sweat, I figuored. This is ecaxtly how it works on my job.
I looked into the silent yet sincere, yellow watery eyes of the old bastord as he smoked a tiny blunt Between Acts cigar out of one side of his mouth, and flicked with his forked purple tounge a frayed dangling lenghth of red dental floss coming out of the other, which looped out from his lips and down into his lap to disappear into a small white plastic box that he lovvingly caressed in his repulsive skeletol fingers. I have a feeling that Granfather knows less abuot womon than be brags on. But then agian, what the hell do I know.
He had to get in a parting shot to me as he wheeled off, "NORMALLY I WOUD TELL ANY YOUNG MAN GOIN' OUT ON A DATE TO JUST "RELAX AND BE YERSELF...
"BUT I'D ADVISE AGINNST IT HERE, BECAUSE YOUR SELF HAPPENS TO BE SUCH A DANM FOOL HORSE'S ASS."