Walter Miller's Homepage

Not quite yet a Cayman Islands corporration

Late-Febuary 98 Update

Page 2 of 7


Prepairing for my fledgling social life

Now for the part youve ben waiting for: How my dates that I got from the replies to my personol ad turned out. Let me first just say that many people have wrote me to say that Personal Ads worked out fine for them. Some people even got marreid from them. I am sure they work fine for most peoplle. Howevor it will be a long time till I use them agian. Mabye i will wait till next Valontines Day.

Before the dates: Prelude to Disastor

Friday afternoon Feb 6th before my first date Granfather sat me down at the sofa and told me that all this talk about me placing a personols ad was gettin him "hot and bothered" as they say for a little female conpanionship himself. So, the bastord informed me that on Saturday night, he too was planning to go out on the town on a blind date, with a womon with who's aquaintence he also recentley made.

Any date for the bastord shoud HOPE she's blind.

And deaf. Not to mention have no sence of SMELL. (We alredy know she cant have no TASTE).

I asked him where in the hell did he set up this date, and how did he do it so fast?

"ONE O'THEM (900) NUMBER SINGLE'S DATE LINES," he said.

Now i was worreid. I asked him, what is goingto happan when she sees how reppulsive he is? Not to mention the dentol floss experriment. Granfather asurred me that based on there phone convorsation, (which they had for sevoral hours that day while i was at work), he had nothin to worry about.

"BESIDES," he said with an evil grin which showed all of his chartrueuse coloured teeth and mottled dark brown and forest green gums, "THE BABE'S GOT A.O.L., AN WE'VE ALREDY DONE THE NASTY WILD CHATROOM THANG!"

I was reeling and was sure i was gonna start blowing chowder. I rose from the sofa, but Granfather grabbed my arm and pulled me back down. Then he said "WAIT HERE BOY," while he wheeled into the othor room. He came back with a large and rathor dog-eared white and green softbound book which he plopped down on the coffee table.

"THIS HERE WERE YOUR PAW'S BOOK," he told me, as the dentol floss which threaded out of his lips from deep within his throat danced with the movement of his speech. My Dad had told me about this book, and i had only seen it once in our house. It was from the earley 1970s, and Dad had got it from eithor senior year in highschool or first year college.

"Our Bodies, Ourselves"

That was the name of the book. It was a book abbout young people and sex. There were all these pictures of goofy peopple in there with Dorothy Hammil and Bobby Sherman haircuts. Granfather told me to "read the most well-worned out pages" so as to prepare me, becuase there was a chance that some of the sujbect material might come up on my date. Granfather is so pattronizing and consecending it makkes me sick.

Dad had told me that many years ago, Granfather had found the book in his room. Then he gave Dad a whupping and took the book away for him. Dad never saw the book again--until he came to visit, like only last year.

I heard that conversation the two of them had last year.

I was in the othor room. Dad had found the book in the back of the closet and said to Granfather, "This book wasnt all dog eared and soiled when i owned it," and the old bastord replied, "WAAL, WALTER MUST OF FOUND IT. IN FACT I COUGHT HIM READIN' IT UNDER THE COVERS LAST NIGHT WITH A FLASHLIGHT."

THAT IS A LIE.

Like i said I never saw the book but once. Granfather is a lyeing bastord. I think the "Our Bodies, Ourselves" book was atcualy banned once in parts of Texas, but i cant say for sure.

Anyway i told Granfather that i did NOT need to read the book. But even still as nosy and haughtey as he is, he felt compelled to give me advice. The old bastord blocked the door and reffused to let me out unless I stood there and listened to all his stupid "tips to romance." Let me tell you somthing: Granfather is as stupid as he is mentally ill, and just as mean to boot. I did not use ANY of them.

There was more than ten, and I wont share them all, but in any case of the ones I remembor, here are:

Granfathers Top Ten dating tips:

(In no particuolor order)

# 10

FIRST THING WHEN YOU SEE HER, TELL HER SHE LOOKS PURTY. EVEN IF SHE'S GOT A FACE LIKE A SHEEP'S BUTT. LIE IF YOU HAVETO. IF YOU GO TO HER HOUSE AND SEE HER MAW, TELL THE MAW SHE'S PURTY TOO.

# 9

TELL HER YOUR A DEMMYCRAT. WIMMEN LIKE THAT, EVEN REPUBLICAN WIMMEN. IT'LL NEVER HURT YOU, AN' IT MAY EVEN HELP YOU GIT SOME 'YOU KNOW-WHUT'.
...LORD KNOWS YOU NEED SOME, BOY.

# 8

TALK ABOUT EL NINO. DON'T MATTER WHUT ABOUT, BUT JUST USE THE WORD "EL NINO" IN ALL YER CONVERSATIONS.

# 7

LATER ON, IF THINGS GO WELL, AND YOU START SMOOCHIN' AWAY, BE SURE TO SAY ROMANTIC THINGS LIKE, 'YOU KNOW DARLIN, I GOT ASTROTURF IN THE BACK SEAT.'

IF IT SHE HAPPENS TO BE REAL UGLY, WELL, JEST HAVE AN EXTRA DRINK OR TWO, SWALLER YER PRIDE, SHUT YER EYES TIGHT WHEN YER KISSIN' HER, AND MAKE-PRETEND SHE'S 'DR. QUINN: MEDICINE WOMAN'.

# 6

IF SHE STARTS BITIN' YOUR NECK, DON'T RESIST. ONE OF TWO THINGS IS GOING ON: SHE'S GIVIN YOU A LOVE BITE, OR ELSE SHE'S A VAMPIRE. IF SHE DO TURN OUT TO BE A VAMPAAR, WELL, YOU CAINT DO NOTHIN ABOUT THAT...

# 5

DURING THE MEAL, SAY INTELLIGENT, NEWSWORTHY THINGS, LIKE: 'THE RIGHT-TURN-ON RED LAW WAS JUST THE FIRST STEP IN THE SLIPPERY SLOPE OF POOR MORALS IN THIS HERE COUNTRY.' ...OR SOME SUCH...

# 4

INSIDE THE RESTUARANT, TRY NOT TO GET A TABLE NEAR THE RESTROOM DOOR. THERE'S PLENNY O'TIME FOR NASTY SMELLS ALL DURIN' SUPPER AFTER THE MARRIAGE.

# 3

ALWAYS ORDER YERSELF THE BIGGEST STEAK ON THE MENU, EVEN IF ALL'S YOU WANT IS THE CHICKEN SALAD. SAY REAL LOUD TO HER, 'I'M AS HUNGRY AS A GRIZZLY BA'AR!!" DRIVES THE GALS CRAZY.

# 2

BRING A PAIR OF NEEDLE NOSE WIRE CLIPS TO SNAP THAT THAR BRA STRAP OPEN, IN CASE YOU CAIN'T GIT THE CLASP UNHOOKED WHEN YER BACK INSIDE THE CAR MAULING HER.

(REMEMBER, THIS IS TEXAS, SO SOME O'THEM GALS' FATHERS DO INDEED SEAL THEM THINGS UP WITH A SODDERING IRON).

EVEN IF SHE SLAPS YOU ONE, AT LEAST SHE WILL ADMIRE YOUR INVENTIVENESS AND PERSISTENCE. OH YES, GRANPY SURE DO KNOW WIMMEN, YESSIR HE SURE DO...

# 1

ABOVE ALL, RULE ONE IS: LIE FOR SEX. LIE, LIE, LIE. TELL HER ANYTHIN' YOU CAN, NO MATTER HOW CRAZY, WHICH'LL GIT YOU WHAT YOU WANT, AS FAST AS YOU KIN GIT IT. THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD GOES ON, BOY, AN' I TELL YOU WHUT: THE WIMMEN ALREADY KNOW IT, TOO.

Granfather told me that lator on, if the dating shoud happan to proceed into a full-flegded rellationship, he would help me out with othor inportant things to know and say, like:

YES dear,
YES dear,
YES dear,

And also, (and this is the real inportant one):

I'm SORRY,
I'm SORRY,
I'm SORRY!

"THERE'LL BE NO NOOKIE AT NIGHT TIME," said the bastord, "UNLESS THEYRE HEARIN' THEM TWO AFECTIONATE PHRASES ALL DAY LONG.

He also said that you have to say "Yes" even when you mean "No", and say "Sorry" even if you didnt do nothin wrong. No sweat, I figuored. This is ecaxtly how it works on my job.

I looked into the silent yet sincere, yellow watery eyes of the old bastord as he smoked a tiny blunt Between Acts cigar out of one side of his mouth, and flicked with his forked purple tounge a frayed dangling lenghth of red dental floss coming out of the other, which looped out from his lips and down into his lap to disappear into a small white plastic box that he lovvingly caressed in his repulsive skeletol fingers. I have a feeling that Granfather knows less abuot womon than be brags on. But then agian, what the hell do I know.

Granfather says somthing to hurt my feelings

It was just at the point that he finished tellin me all his "secrets of the opossite sex" which made me feel a glimmor of hope that perhaps, now after livving with him all this time, he woud start being freindley and nice to me for a change.

BUT NO.

He had to get in a parting shot to me as he wheeled off, "NORMALLY I WOUD TELL ANY YOUNG MAN GOIN' OUT ON A DATE TO JUST "RELAX AND BE YERSELF...

"BUT I'D ADVISE AGINNST IT HERE, BECAUSE YOUR SELF HAPPENS TO BE SUCH A DANM FOOL HORSE'S ASS."

As I get readdy to leave, the phone rings.