Walter Miller's Homepage

I appollogize for my existence. But the internet needs me.

Late Febuary 98 Update

Page 3 of 7


I was in the bathroom gettin dressed and tryin to work on a giant zit that i had so it woudnt look so big. While i was in there I came up with anothor Law:

Walter Underscore Miller's Law of Love # 5:

The size, centrality and conspicuousness of a zit is directly proportionnol to the inportance of the social event to imeddiately commence.

You know what? I just thuoght of anothor one:

Walter Underscore Miller's Law of Love # 17:

In prepparation of a date, the more atention paid to a big zit in the hopes of makkin it smaller will actualy increase its size exponentially.

I am getting into laws lately. Laws about work, laws abuot love and laws about othor stuff i am not suposed to know about. ONE DAY I WILL WRITE A BOOK OF THESE DANM LAWS.

Anyway who was it on the phone but my stepmom in California. She was calling to wish me luck on my date. She is a nice person and lately is the only one who can cheer me up. Also, she begins this motherly chat with me about love and sex and rellationships and all of that. Of cource, what shoud of been a pleasent family ocasion became anothor moment of dysfunctionol family strife when GEUSS WHO got on the extension line.

Granfather cuases problems--what else is new?

He is only on the extension line for 30 seconds, but it was enuogh to cause what I fear will be years of strife to come. I said to her on the phone that Dad was very lucky to have 2 relatively happy marraiges. (As you know my mom died and Dad remarried).

Then, on the extension, Granfather said, "THAT'S WHUT YOU THINK, BOY.

Next thing you know...Click! Granfather is off the phone, and he trundles off into his room to lock the door. I hear him make an evil snickerring laugh in there too.

As soon as he is off the phone i said to him, "What the hell were you talking about?"

A FAMILY SECRET.

There was a secret in my fammily i was not suposed to know. I wont go into it all, but the gist of it is that my mom, (who is now deceased) was pregnent when her and Dad got married. IN FACT: THEY WERENT EVEN BOYFREIND AND GIRLFREIND. It just sort of "happened" as they say, after the consuption of a bottol of liqour. I think it "hapenned" after a party or a school dance. Right after this, they went to New Jersey where my mom is from, and got marreyed, which is what people did in those days, and then my brothor was born. They were luckey that it was a good marrage.

I know that this is nothin to be ashammed of

I also know that Dad did the right thing. I just did NOT want to find out abbout it THIS way: Right beffore my date. And straite from the mouth of the bastord. (Not my brothor: Granfather). Also, they coud of told me the truth. I woud not of been jugdemental. I just do not apreciate being lied to. All this time I had thoght they saved themselfs for there honeymoon at Mount Airey Logde in the Poconoes Mountians of New Jersy, where, acording to the oficial family story, my brothor got conceived.

"POCONOES MY ASS," said the old coot, who told me that it hapened instead right in the seat--the FRONT seat of Granfather's 1970 Dogde Dart Swinger--the very same car I was now driving every day!! Oooh! I got a giant shivvering willy up my spine.

"ACTUALY," he added in his fake wistful and errudite voice, "THANKS TO BEIN STUCK IN THAT THAR HOT TUB IN MONTHS PAST, THE LUMPY BOIL PATTERNS OF MY ASS MORE RESEMBLES THE APPALACHAINS, RUTHER THAN THE POCANOES, I BELIEVE.

I was alredy running late for my date, but I HAD to clear this up. My Dad was traveling on a business trip, so i coudnt call him. I called my brothor in California who was just gettin home from work. My sisterinlaw got on the speakerphone, and I started crying and hystericolly tellin them "the secret". Well, the 2 of them laughed and luaghed till they were weeping.

Yes, They alredy knew

Not olny did they already know, they said the whole world knew ecxept me.

"Use your head, dumbass," my brother said, while luaghin his ass off. My mom, who was pretty skinny had a giant belly in the wedding picture, plus my brothor's birthday was just only like a month later. No one realy talked about it allot, but it was all obvious.

Then my sisterin law called me a "dumbass" too, and they bolth told me I better not put this on my homepage. But I was so mad at being lied to and bein laughed at and called a dumbass, THAT VERY WELL THEN--HERE IT IS ON MY HOMPAGE.

Somthing else I had to do

I called up Junior who was a family freind who lived in town. He owed me a favor because I drove him once to get an eye exam 50 miles away, and he coudnt drive home after it.

Well, now I needed to BORROW his car. There was NO WAY i was goingto drive that frikkin Dart.

Junoir came over with his car, an '88 Mercury thats in perfect conditon and has just 6,000 miles on it. Then I drove him home beffore picking up my date. The car is in, like, showroom condition. Junior made me promise him that i wasnt goingto have intercuorse in his automobile. He is usualey a well mannored person, and so i asked him if GRANFATHER was the one who had put him up to asking such a crude thing, and he looked ashammed and looked at his shoes and said YES.

I meet my first blind date

We only have one nice restuarant in our town. Theres an old saying that in a small town you somtimes have to date your cousin. Well the town is quite small where we live, and while people dont marry there siblings, theyve been known to take them to the prom. Well in any case this girl looked very very familior. For the purposses of this amateur, crappy homepage, I will call her Cathy, which is not her real name.

In any case we are sittin there lookin at each othor in the booth, and she tells me that i look fammilor too. I made sure not to ordor pop or beer because I didnt want to start burping. I was so shy i thoght i was goingto crap in my pants. Id forgot to tell her she looked pretty like Granfather sugested. The only thing i coud think of to talk abuot was El Nino.

Then if you remmember my last update, I went to the restroom and saw the sheriff, who told me of the Sinbad-related distourbance at our house with Granfather, concerning the portly greggarious funnyman/talkshow host's dominating apearance on Politicaly Incorect with Bill Maher. Finaly when I arrive back at the booth Cathey says to me: "I KNOW YOU," and that even when i was a kid i never remmebered to zip my fly.

Oh Crap, Then i rellized i knew her!

She was 4 years oldor than me, and when i was a little kid, mabye 8, she was like 12 and she used to babysit for me and my brothor when we used to live in California and spend the summer in Texas with my grandparonts. Cathy only babysat for us a couple of times. Then she conffessed that she suspected it was me when we spoke on the phone, and knew for sure it was me as soon as I walked in. Also she said that it was 'too weird' to be rommantically dating with me and I also agreed.

Yes, i realize that here and there on the Internet newsgroups there are somtimes steamy errotic stories about young men and thier older babbysitters but the situation was not like this. Atleast she was nice enuogh to finish the date with me. In fact it was a big sence of relief for me.

I remember Cathy being very big and mean and bossy, but now she seemed to of shrunk. But she still had a sharp edge to her. In any case i figuored the date was going OK, and atleast this was good practice for both of us, as we had both just lined up a coupol of blind dates, and this was the first one for us both. Also it was probly good that we were both NOT atracted to one anothor.

Things change in the car

She was smokin all thru dinner and later she wanted to smoke in the car, but I said she coud NOT, because it was Junior's car. So she said if she cant smoke she wanted some beer, so we stopped in the Mini Mart to get her a Bud Ice. In adition to the single she also bouhgt a whole sixpack because she said she was running out of beer at home.

We parked the car behind the school and sat there talking in the parkin lot until, like 1:30 AM. We were talkin allot about our jobs, and gosipping about people the town, about Granfather, and also her crazy mothor, and how her and the old bastord woud make a good couple--or atleast deserve each othor.

I have to tell you: I was having an extremly good time. We woud never be boyfreind and girlfrend but atleast now i had a definitly cool freind. I didnt have any beer but she had like 5 of them, and this was after drinks in the restuarant too. Then she started gettin real close to me. This girl was not ugly but she was not extremly atractive. I guess this is kind of mean, but if I may coin my very own originol WIRED Magazine Jargon Watch entry, I woud have to say that the chick's looks were definnitly what we in the industry woud call "Low Rez."

Sudenly on the last swig of the 6th beer she asked me, "Do you think I am pretty?" I was afraid to say no, so i said YES. The face got closer and closer and the eyes got all melty looking, and then the nostrils started to open and close. I get uncomfortoble when people get there face too close to mine. The only way i coud describe her face is, do you know those cartoon claymation commerciels for Brisk Ice Tea. Do you remmember the big George Steinbrennor one in the comercial they aired during the Super Bowl. Well there you have it.

And there i GOT it