Walter Miller's Home Page

I am willing to settle for only 5 minutes of fame, and will trade the remmaining 10 minutes allotted to me in ecxhange for a good pair of shoes.

Late Febuary 98 Update

Page 5 of 7


Geuss who was on the telephone: It was my date Catthy (not her real name) from last night. She said she wanted to appollogize. I told her she didnt need to oppologize. (The way i see it, any womon who wants to kiss me shoud be commended).

She told me that shes sorry she came onto me because she is NOT atracted to me--instead she was just drunk. (Oh great. I was not atracted to HER, she was not atraccted to ME, and so what that realy means is that that disgousting Celebrity Battle of the Uvulas that we were doin in Junior's car was completly unnecesary.)

Next, i got the old speech, (the one that ends, 'Mabye we were bettor suited to being freinds'--this was fine with me), And finaly:

She gives me More unsolicitted Advice

Walter Underscore Miller's Law of Freindly Relatoinships # 65:

Coments prefaced with the innocant phriase: 'No offense, but...' are usualy very ofensive indeed, with the offence factor increasing in direct rellation to the freindliness of the tone of voice.

I am told two disturbbing things: One, that I am a bad kisser. (Um, pardon me, but when a woman (a drunken womon) has somthing the size of a cricket paddle for a tounge, (which tastes like smoke no less), and she uses it to unhook your epiglottis from its position to mash it agianst the opening of your traichea, and you cannot breathe, (but SHE can breathe, and shes breatthing thru her nose, and its whistling like an English police whistle in an old, bad Basil Rathbone movie), where all you can think to yorself is, "Oh God, I do not want to die this way", and all of her wieght is on her knee and her knee is on your balls you are not feeling very rommantic.

Add to that the disfunctionol sexaul factor of this having once been an older, authorrity figuore in the pre-adolecsence of my life. Some men may find that sort of stuff arrousing, but i do not. I swear I came home that nihgt with make-up and foundation burns on my face.

The second thing she told me was devvastaiting. She said that I was balding and she dosent find bald men atractive. Balding, she said.

Well Dammitt I am NOT balding. I am barely out of my teens. OK, I admitt it: Mabye i got "The Gulf of Mexico thing" going on on eithor upper side of my forhead, with Florida emerging in the center, but only a little. And if we are just going to be freinds, then why go out of your way to mention somthing about the person that you dont find attracttive?

"IT IS NOT FLORRIDA" Cathey told me. "IN ANOTHER YEAR IT WILL BE THE 'ISLE OF PALMS' and the palm trees are dying, and speakking of bodies of water, YOU are in 'de Nile' right now Walter."

Mabye we realy will turn out to be freinds

Somtimes freinds are peoplle you need to help you to face reality. We talked for an hour. She told me that she got on a freind's computer at work and read my homepage. She thohgt it was very funny, and she even gave me her perrmission to write about our date. Then I remminded her that i had othor dates coming up. She gave me more advice; One: Dont be so so shy, and Two: Rogaine is now avialable over the counter withuot a presrcitpion.

When I came back out, Granfather and the female Bob Barkor were gettin ready to go out. It was an odd scene. The bastord was standing semi crouched and gripping his alunimum walker while the woman stood infront of him with her sleeve rolled up and her long skinney liverspot bespeckled arm inside of the pet-style animal cone that Granfather ofton wears, with a boxcuttor in her hand and making a few upward slicing strokes. She explianed to me (in an oddly pleasent and mellifluous announcer's voice) that they were goin to see Titanic and they had to cut a foldable flap on top of the cone in case some pain in the ass persen in the seat behind them in the theator complained they coudnt see the screen.

Granfather takes me aside.

While i packed his diapor bag with him in the othor room, the old goat excitedly told me that the female Bob Barkor was happy to go out with him and didnt mind the cardboard cone.

"YOU KNOW SHE'S AN ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST," Granfather explianed. "DATING ME IS THE CLOSEST THING SHE'S HAD IN THAT REGARD."

And not olny that, but he also said that she lived down the street from the male Madeline Allbright and his wife, and somtime perhaps they coud double date with them.

Granfather made me sware that i woud not breathe a word to his new wench abuot his history of animal rihgts abuses. He told me that he had to lie to her and tell her that he was a vegetarian too. "I THINK SHE'S WORTH A SOY BURGER OR TWO, WHUDDYA THINK BOY?" he whispored. I pleaded the Fifth, but he kept prodding me for an oppinion.

"THET THAR SITTIN' IN MUH LIVING ROOM AIN'T JUST ANY OLD NAG. GRANPY DONE BAGGED HISSELF THE FEMALE BOB BARKER."

Then sudenly the convorsation got omminously serrious

A threat of bodilly harm

He asked me if I had seen the large pepper shakker in that restourant last night. (Granfather is familor with that restuarant and their pepper mill is the size of a danm basball bat. Only someone with arms like a gorilla can efectively twist the top while holding the bottom.) In meticuluos medical terms in a low murderrous voice the bastord described in play-by-play outline the process by which, if I finked on him about the lawsuit with the birds or any othor annimal abuse, he woud steal that item from the restuarant, with a mind to rectally administor it with such a depth and such a level of integration with the phisiology with my body, that everytime i woud so much as hear a Chuck Berry song and raise my eyebrouws at the same time that finely powdored condiment woud sprinkol delicatly from my ass.

I agreead not to breathe a word. Granfathers first blind date with his new girlfreind was a great sucess. Meanwhile, a few days lator, my second date was a giant disastor.

I meet my second date

This girl I will call Darlene. Its not her real name. She was 19 and lived far from me. In my orriginal personal ad, I said that i was willing only to date women in a certain area. But when this girl answerred my ad, she wrote that "some things are worth going out of your way for." She enclosed somthin that made me go out of my way, and also made me conpletely forget that she ended a sentence with a prepposition- a photo of herself. OH CRAP!! she was hot looking.

When i called her on the phone we talked for olny a few minuts and she seemed shy like me. Then she put her fathor on the phone to give me directoins. You must undorstand how danm big Texas is. She lived, like 3 hours away.

I coud not drive Junior's car this time, and since it was a week lator I had got over my initial skeeves of what hapenned there in the front seat exactley nine months before my brothor was born.

I wish i had a better car becuase her house was in a brandnew housing develipment with all these new large rich fancy homes. Her house was like a huge giant brandnew barn, and every noise was amplofied due to the acoustics. Their front hall alone was as big as our trailer. Darlene came downstairs and her high heels made a loud clickety clack noise like it was a horse comin down, but realy she was kind of petite.

Oh boy!

She was just as nice looking as in her picture. (Please remembor that I have sort of a low standord--she was probly average looking to the averege person--in any case, when our eyes met we bolth knew that she was way out of my leageu.)

And I coud tell that she looked disapointed. I was wearing a new houndstooth jacket and looked as good as i coud posibly look dispite that my sleeves and cuffs are allways too short. But it is true, in our phone convorsation i told her I was handsome and also i was a computer programmor who was sucessful and worked in allot of places. That was only somwhat partly true. (The olny reasen i worked allot of places is becuase i was fired allot). Mabye I shoud use a face bronzer cause i am very pale and I dont get allot of sun. I figure if her parents werent there she woud of dumped me or called off the date. Also, these people looked rich and i am poor.

Anyway, she did somthing to sort of hurt my feelings--she told me that she wasnt in the mood to go to the restuarant in her town that she had originally asked me to call and make reservations for. Insted she asked me to take her somwhere else. I coud tell imediatly what was going on: There were some people who woud be there, (perhaps an old boyfreind she wanted to make jeallous, or her girlfreinds who wanted to catch a glimps of her blind date.)--and now she was too enbarassed to go there with me.

Well to add to me feeling unconfortable was that the first thing i did when I showed up was ask to use the bathroom. It was a long ride and i had to drain the lizerd as they say. I forgot to tell her (and her mother, as Granfather had sugested), that they looked prettey.

So there I am in the bathroom and i coud hear her loud and clear talking outside, because of the acuostics. They were way in the kitchen but even still I heard it all. Like I said it was a giant brandnew house and they didnt have any rugs and almost no furnitture. She had a whiney voice and thruogh the bathroom door she told her mothor "look at his car out the window!" becuase Granfather's car was an old wreck. I heard her say that I "looked like a loser" and was very quiet and shy. The mother seemed kind of upset with her imediate judgement of me, and said that she HAD to go out with me becuase I had drove so far, and besides, she shoud of asked for a picture of me.

Then Darlene said she wanted to bail out of it: Somthing to do with "tape on the back" I had no idea what that meant until I noticed in the mirrir that there was a giant peice of electricol tape 2 feet long that is suposed to be on the car seat because it is ripped, and it was now stuck on my back and ass. The mothor said NO. you are going out with him, atleast just this once!

I was houmiliatted. Howevor, it wasnt as bad you think. A year ago this woud of made me cry. At this point i am used to it due to all the practice I get being hummiliated. I have a vast tolorance for being mortified. If they ever had a Houmiliation Olympics, you can be assured they will print up the Wheaties box with my friggin face on it even before they light the Olmypic torch.

But it got even worse when I started to pee: In the huge cavornous bathroom it soundad like Niagra Falls. Thruogh the liquidy crashing, I heard Darlene squeal with disgust. Yes, if I coud hear THEM talking from inside the bathroom, there was no doubt that THEY coud hear ME peeing from the kitchon. I treid to direct the stream to the sides of the bowl as not to make so much noise, but you know that dosent allways work. Plus when you are nervuos there is allways the 'shrinkage' factor, and this as you know affects volume and controle. Not to mention accurracy. Yes, while the Seinfeld show has providded awareness on the isseu, it did not make up the Shrinkege Factor because nervuos men have known of it for centurreis..

And it gets worse--MUTCH worse