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Early Decembar 1997 Post Thansgkiving Update

Page 5 of 6


Annother secret

My soakin wet, still dizzy and pummoled uncle went into the house to take a nap and also try to goto the bathroom (still no luck all week); also he complained he coudnt find his danm yellow stone that went on his fancey Secrat Society turban. The last time he saw it was when he pulled it from the goat's moulth and stuck it in his pocket for safe keeping.

Granfather shooed away Junior for a minnute to speak with me in private. The old beast narrowwed his dragonlike Monitor-Lizerd eyes and whispored; good thing he was stuck in the tub because the acoustics alowed me to hear him withuot havin to stick my ear next to his horroble gummy mouth.

"I GOT ZEKEY'S STONE," he breathhed, "ITS IN THIS HERE TUB DRAIN TRAP, RIGHT UNDER MUH WAYWARD NUT."

Granfather told me that his hiding of the stone this was one of three good reasens he was stayin stuck by choice in the tub. The othor two reassons were to put a guilt trip on my folks, who he bellieves dont care abbout him, and also so he coud slap a lawsiut onto the mannufacturor of the hot tub--which he really DID do.

"WAIT TILL THEY TRUNDLE MY POOR ENSCONCED ASS OUT THERE IN THE COURTROOM, STILL STUCK IN THIS HERE BASIN," he mused.

"THERE WON'T BE A DRY EYE IN THE WHOLE JURY BOX."

He is right abbout that. People's eyes will be watering pretty badley from how rank he smells. Granfather smells so frikkin discousting he was actually charged once about 10 years ago for Contenpt of Court merely because a whiff of him wafted in from the hall as he walked down the courthouse corridor on his way to annother case.

Me and Junoir fix him up.

First we carefulley tore apart the redwood deck with the big hole in the centor which held the fiborglass hot tub. It was alreaddy beat up and splintored bad from the tussle with my Uncle. Allot of centippedes, scorpions and othor bugs scurried out from undorneath as we pulled the slats apart.

Gross Warning Ahead, Next 40 Words:
Procead with caution

This is when the silvorfish hopped out and onto his chin. Insted of brushin it off with his hand, Granfather purposly banged his chin on the side of the tub to sqaush it flat. Awful orange colored guts came out.

"LEAVE THE BUG THERE," he bellowed. "I WANT YER DANM FOLKS TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME."

Bastord on the Halfshell

Next we laid the tubbed beast on his side. Then, with a plumbor's pipe cutting tool, Junior carefuly cut the drainpipe, (just below the trap) leaving abbout 4 inches of it still stuck to the tub beneath Granpy. I saw a glint of the yellow topaz in there. Junior (who is not too smart) remmarked that somthin shiny was in the trap, mabye a bright new 50 cent peice. Granfather said, "LEAVE IT BE JUNIOR, AN' ILL GIVE YOU A NICE FILTHY DOLLOR BILL WHEN WE GIT BACK INSIDE THE HOUSE."

...A rolling halfshell

Then granpy asked me if I was readey to pay the $80 i owed him from him whippin my ass in Nok-Hockey ovor the last month. (Yes i admit, I am adicted to Nok-Hockey, and Granfather always beats me. He insists on playing for money. Also he plays withuot a Nok-Hockey stick and JUST his horroble pinky toe.) The bastord agreed to take the office chair in my room in ecxhange for the debt. I paid $200 for it but i was not abbout to start a big fihgt the day beffore Thanskgiving.

With the hacksaw Junior cut the whole chair off the stand, leavving only that thing at the bottom shaiped like a starfish with the 5 little castor wheels atached that it rolls on across the floor.

Then we lifted the hot tub up in the air with Granfather inside it, and lowered the remaining legnth of drainpipe that was stickin out of the bottom center outside part of the tub right into the newly cut pipe of the uprihgt chairstand. It was a perfect fit.

Yes The old Bastord On castors once agian.

That night my folks arrived. My poor stepmothor had to be takken to the H.M.O. place and get treatted for shock when she found out the reason why a large seafoam colored green one-man hot tub was rollin around the trailer.

The next day was Thanskigving and we finaly started the efforrt to get into the festive mood.

My brothor arrived and me and him and my stepmom cooked the turkey and got the pies baked. Meanwhile Dad was in the livving room arbitrating some hot dispute between Granfather and Uncle Zeke. I had not counted on Granfather's howls being so much loudor from ampliffication of being inside the hot tub. But atleast he was easier to clean up after. We simpley filled the hot tub with the gardon hose and then drained it from the stopcock on the side. Also his farting was much, much louder too but easior to contain. Instead of dammage to kitchon apliances alls we lost to his gass was a few ceiling tiles which convennientley fell right on his crustey head.

We had to be delayed for dinnor because Granfather insisted on watchin the WHOLE danm Thanskgiving Day parade that he taped earlior in the day. On the one had he was pleasently supprized that being inside the curved shell of the fiborglass tub afforded him better acuosticks than did his cardbord animal cone. But on the othor, he threw a huge fit because each time they anounced a new baloon, the high winds in New York prevented that baloon from bein shown, so all they showed was stock footege so the whole time he was screammin at the top of his lunggs with one of those tiny Between Acts Cigars clasped tight in his teeth "DAMMIT, I DONT WANNA SEE BALLOONS ON TAPE I WANT'EM LIVE!"

Howwevor as it were, the derranged old troll was watchin the WHOLE DANM PARADE itself on tape! Sick bastord.

Imagine: A prehistorric reptile

Also he kept makin dumb coments all thruoghout. When Barney The Dinosuar came out he said, "KNOW WHUT? I DONT CARE WHUT LETTERMAN SAYS, AN' THIS'LL SUPPRIZE Y'ALL, BUT I LIKE BARNY."

There in bottom of his tub with his knees still drawn up to his chest, Granfather wagged his head and sang the dumb Imagine song along with Barny as the float moved by.

"I DO LIKES BARNY--IT'S THET LIL'-BAG-O'DRYER-LINT BABY BOP AN' THET CREEPY YELLER SIDEKICK WHICH GIVE ME THE SHIVVERIN' WILLIES."

Also all thru the parade Granfathor also kept misteaking Willord Scott for John Maddon and kept misteaking Al Roker "Al Sharpton."

"WHY THE HELL'D OL' FAT-ASS REVEREND AL CUT OFF HIS HAIRDOO? I LOVED THET DANM HAIRDOO."

Granfather is alwayes diffocult arround the holidays but this year was prety awful. Our table is normaly cramped anyway, but this time the detained monstor took up the space of 3 people even thuogh it was a one-man tub. For Thansksgiving dinner, our low-class family had to roll in two large wooden telephone companny spools that used to have cable wrapped on it and set them on end to use for tables.

His toes gripped the lip of the tub as it stood upright. Fortunatly you coud barely see his face durin dinner.

The beast insisted on openning in prayor. But it wasnt a prayer at ALL, but just a lame joke that id been hearing for a danm month:

"BLESS US O LORD...HEY: Y'HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE NEW 'MARV ALBERT COMPUTER?' ITS GOT FIFTY 'BITES' BUT NO MEMORY!"

Then he cackoled his ass off with his evil screeching bloodcourdling luagh. No one else luaghed except my brothor who said, "Good one, Granps," and mush brained old Uncle Zeke who mumbolled "Amen" thinkin it was a real prayor. Zeke's head was bowed, with the turban back on. The yellow stone was gone, but there was some chewed parts and goat spit on it. My uncle is not nearley as disgousting as Granfather but still is a prety exentric old guy.

I dont know if it was from the lame joke or from Granfather's scary bonechilling laugh aftor telling it, (probly the luagh), but my stepmothor got up and ran from the table where she got sick in the bathroom. My brothor leaned ovor to me an whispered, "Youre coming with me tomorrow, remember?" I knew he had somthing up his sleeeve because he visciously hated Granfather's guts and woudnt normoly laugh at his danm lame jokes.

Dad and my uncle yelled at Granfather for spoiling the holliday for us all. Granfather lurched fowward by pullin himself up from his toes which still gripped the egde of the tub and poked his horroble head up for all to see. He narowwed his eyes and snarled cruelly at us all, his face splattored, spattored and uttorly drenched with cranbery suace, mashed Loiusiana yams, brown gravy, dribly tobaco jiuce, snot, and at least one sqaushed bug, "Y'ALL DONT KNOW NOTHIN' 'BOUT THE TRUE MEANING OF THANKSGIVING. I TELL YUH, THE TRUE MEANIN' OF IT ALL..."

Phony, arrogent, pompous, slithory sanctamonious sonnofobich. But it is true we didnt have to look at the beast for most of the meal. He angrily barked at us to throw in some "FRIGGIN DARKMEAT" and some "GOLLDANM PUNKIN PIE," all the while grumbling how "thankful" he was to be suing the danm hot tub compeny's ass. We obbliged by tossing in scraps and schreds of food. No one actualy saw him eat, but the sound of him scramboling for it while inside the tub was just like that scraipey noise when you throw a pair of jeans with allot of rivits on it and loose change in the pockets inside the dryer.

At one point some giblets flew out and went across the room at Warp 6 bouncin off a lamp in the living room then breakin a window. Atleast i think they were gibletts. It looked as if it coud of been a scene from Flubber which ended up on the cutting room floor because Robin Williams looked at the final edit an said, "Nah, too unfunny, and too unbeleivable, even for a film like this." That's Granfather for you.

The meal ends in a fight

It ocurred right between dessert and cofee and had somthing to do with a loud acusation that bellowed from inside the tub agianst my Uncle Zeke for his alleged acidental use of Granfather's razor earlior in the week, and how now, after the deed was done and the blade dulled, somethin abbout how "THE WHISKOR NO LONGER SNAPS BACK LIKE IT GALLDANG SHOUD."

We all treid to ignore him