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Early Decembar 1997 Update-Post Thansgkiving

Page 6 of 6


Uncle Zeke finaly grunted "Shut yer rat-trap," and just when he did, Granfather startoled us all by springing upword into the air in a volcannic upspray of jellylike peccan pie filling, and right acros the table, the blanket which was wrapped arround him flyin off, and his heaving nakad, scraggly protruding-rib-cage-body flailing and leaping. I was directley behind my uncles chair carryin in the coffee tray and had the best view. It looked ecaxctly like in the game Quake when the big nasty beige troll comes aftor you at the end of the level, and no mattor how many times you paste him with the nail gun, he keeps swinging and snarrling and clawing. Just like that, of course, exept if he had a seafoam green fiborglass hot tub atached to one of his testicles.

WHUMP!

That is the sound the hot tub made as it fell lip-first, upside down on the floor, lookin like a big turtle shell, trapping Zeke in there with the beast, who we immagined was now dangling from the ceiling of the upturned basin. Screams, inhuman howls, creis for mercey and fisticuffs pounded from inside, while on top, the upsidedown wheeled base of my old ofice chair pointed upword, and twirled slowley. We coud only immagine the anguished torture that was takkin place inside that domed chambor of horrer.

Get the crowbar!

Dad screammed and I ran outside to the shed to get the tools. My mean brothor woud NOT help. We was willing to let Uncle Zeke die at the hand of the Bastord just so Granfather woud face a murder charge. I am still angrey with my brothor about this. Then when i was outsside I heard dad scream agian...

She's about to blow!

I stood in the yard and saw it all. Granfather must of farted or else made a large burp with the lit cigar still in his mouth because it was dark outside and sudenly the whole trailor lit up from where i saw it. I saw the newsreel of the Hindenburg blowing up once on PBS. It was like that. A danm ball of fire.

Evoryone was mommenterily blinded by the exploasion but the tub must of took off verticalley because when the smoke cleared and we exammined the scene aftorward we noticed five deep castor dents on the alunimum trailor ceiling.

OH THE HUMANNITY.

Uncle Zeke was rusched to the hospitol with mostley first degree burnes but it was ovor 100% of his big lank body. Dad drove him--like i said, calling 911 from our phone numbor is met with a reccorded message by a womon with a twangy voice that beggins like this:

"Attention Walter, Grampy and and Grampy's Family: We're sorry, but we are unable to provvide emergencey vehicol asistance to your loccation at this time..."
Everyone who knows us calls Granfather 'Granpy.'

After The big clean up

The reasen why my brothor wanted me to go with him Fridday--atcualy, it may be the main reasen he came to Texas for Thansgiving AT ALL --is because of somthing he wanted to do to rub Granfathers face in the mud.

"Guess what I GOT?" my brothor taunted the old bastord late Thursday night just beffore me and him trundoled the new mobile basin bath into his smelly room and layored the inside of the tub with pillows to prepaire the beast for bed.

"WHUT DO YOU GOT? LEMME GUESS WHUT YOU GOT: YOU GOT A PINYATA FER A BRAIN," he repplied.

Actualy what my brothor had was somthing he just picked up from an Army pal of his who lives in College Station that Granfather woud of killed to get: Four tickets--four REAL GOOD tickkets to the football game, Texas versus Texas A&M.

NOOOOO!!!!

Granfathor howled in agony, downrihgt painfull reppentant woefull agoney. He begged to be abble to go, knowing of cource that the olny reason my brothor even bruoght it up was to taunt him with it. Dad said that there was no way Granfather COUD go, considdering his bath-bound state. Granfathor simply repplied that he woud take two seats instead of one, (which he woud PAY for--for double the price each, too), and plus theyd bennefit from takin his car which coud get them a nice handicapped spot. But my brother said "NO, BASTORD."

Granfather beggan the waterworks. He weeped and whailed. He even bruoght up that the forecast was for heavey rain, which woud mean that he woud submit to a washing of his smelly carcass.

"PLEASE, BOY! he yowled. "THE LONGHORNS AN' AGGIES ON ONE BLESSED MUDDY FIELD. HAVE MERCY ON A PORE OLE MAN!"

I'd seen the phoney beast fake cry beffore, and for the first time in my life I waznt evon sure if this was an act. For Granfather it seems perhapps the highest Holy day is the Texas/Texas A&M game. My brothor said he shoud of thuoht of that BEFFORE he got his danm rocks coght in a bath drain. Plus kicked the tar out of poor Uncle Zeke who was now laungiushing inthe hospitol.

My brothor told me that to get to the game on time i woud have to get up at 3 AM cause it was such a long ride. But i woud not go, and neither woud Dad. I was to woried about my Uncle who was still in a coma, and i had to tak care of Granfather. Plus I missed my stepmothor cause I never get to see her anymore.

My brother was pissed at us all.

He ended up going with 3 othor peoplle who were happy to go: Junior, the Deputy Sherrif and the man Granfather hates most in our town, The County Clerk. (My brothor dosent like the county Clerk eithor but just invitted him to push Granfather's buttens.)

On Sunday nihgt Uncle Zeke came out of the coma. The way it ended up he has told us that he will press chardges agianst the bastord for Atempted Mansluoghtor.

When he gets out of the hospitol he will fly home to the East Coast and somehow we will have to get his car to him.

As the memmories of the assualt came back to him, the authorrities and lawyors obtained a tape reccorded bedside deposition from him about the seven torturrous minutes he spent trapped in the upside down fiborglass tub with Granfather dangolling above by his grapes beatin the crap out of him.

"It were like bein inside the very cavern o' Hades," said Uncle Zeke, still fearfuly trembling.

"T'were dark inside, with flashin' streaks o' fire, flame an' brimstone...Sort o'like a small version o' Space Mountain, 'cept with giant ol' Satan hisself hung up overhead -- hovering I tells yuh, by his devily nuts from the roof."

Uncle Zeke pronuonces 'roof' like this: 'ruff'.

END OF THIS UPDATE--bUT as a speciel Thanskgiving extra in honor of this awful dysfunctionol family gathoring, I wrote a Top Ten List of the worst, most horroble Thanksgivnigs, (that untill NOW), Ive ever had. It is 3 pages long, AND YOU CAN READ IT NOW RIGHT HERE or else you can:

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