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Mid-Decembor 1997 Update

Page 2 of 6


There is no homecare nurse, or instittution within 700 or 800 miles that will take Granfather. Once, for 3 days last year, we put him in Danny's Kennel and Dog Corral, (an unlicenced poor imitator of the REAL Danny's, but now theyre out of businness), and besides: you cant fit thru the door of a dog cage with a bathtub on your ball.

The regulor babysitter bails

On the phone with me, Dad said "What abuot Junior." Usualy a man in our town named Junior watches Granfather and our dogs and chickons but this time he Junior didnt want to. His reason was that Granfathor's screaming voice was mutch louder than normal.

Granfather is incappable of speaking without screaming and this was normaly frightoning enough for Junior. So I asked him to come ovor to our house where i showed him the reasen why he was loudor: The bastord was inside that tub like a clam on a halfshell, so the sound of his voice was amplofied even more.

Granfather treis to convince him.

The old beast spoke to Junior in soothing tones, tellin him that if he spent a few days with him they coud have fun the whole time like play cards drink whisky and downlaod some pictures of nakad ladies off the newsgroups. And also do some pranks to the County Clerk (who Granfather hates), like phony phone calls, and drivin over there at night to leave a lit bag of dogdoo on his front step.

Junoir is not verry bright

When Junior still said he was too scaired of the new, loudor pitch of Granfather's voice, then Granfather, (like an idiot), started hollering even more which amplofied the screams even loudor still. Junior ran his fat ass the hell out of there gripped with a blind terror. He didnt even get in his truck but was so scared he just ran straihgt home wailing in fear. Later i had to drive Juniors truck ovor to his house and ride my bike back and it was six miles each way thru the rain.

I know what you are thinkin

You probly figoure that no one in there right mind will be scaired of someone merely screaming--even someone they know. But you do NOT know Granfather. His voice is so hideous that some pitches of it canot even be picked up by a tape recordor, and those that can, when played back at modorate volume, will ruin the tape heads.

One night when i was a kid visiting Granfather, there was 55 gallen steel drum underneath the trailor with a racoon sleepin in it and somehow a jabalina got in there which is a mean Texas wild pig and started fighting with it. Somhow during the fight the drum tipped upright and the two animols were trapped inside and fought all night, and it was RIHGT beneath the floor undor my bed.

The Sounnd of Music

Well i tell you, the ferol savage squealling noises coming from that drum for the next 3 hours was the sweetest lullaby of the littlest Von Trapp child delicatly whisporing out the tune of "Edelviess" in your ear, when compaired to the regulor, completly non-emotionol passive grunt of Granfather saying as he says to me each day:
"PASS THE SALT, BOY!"

A comprimise is reached that was aceptable to Dad.

Thanks to an idea I had, I called some of the primate behavoirol scientists from the University whove ben studying Granfather. They were elated. They agreed to come ovor and spend a few days. They will do anything for extra research time but usualy their limit is 8 hours or so before gettin "repulsed to their stomoch." I explained that he has limited mobillity due to his basin-bound state, and this was OK with them, because with three of them, they coud study him in seperrate 8-hour long shifts.

'Repulced to their stomock' my ass.

I am sick and tired of hearing abuot people's ovor-sensitivity of being arround the old bastord. Everyone complians about how disgusting, smelly and reppulsive Granfather is, but meanwhile GEUSS WHO has to live with him and clean up aftor him? ME.

I needed to get a break away from him

I just had to distence myself for a bit. I descided to go into town to pick up my plane tickets to New York at the post office.

Normal people just charge their trip on a credit card and then get rienbursed. But as you know I will have debt probloms for many years and that means NO creddit cards. Instead my boss's secretery had to buy them and mail them to me.

I said to Granfather, "I have to go out for 40 minuts." I told him that this woud be his test to behaive himself. Because if he did NOT, then there woud be hell to pay. (Acording to Dad, and our family doctor, I am alowed to leave the beast unatended for up to one hour.)

I said to him, NO starting any fires, NO breaking aneything, NO whisky, and NO smoking...

And if he had to go to the bathroom...

...it was NOT to be on the floor or walls. To make sure this woudnt happen, I fitted the squirming leathory troll with a new adult diapor; (which was not as easy as you might think considoring his predicoment, although he does wriggle arround less with his nut in a niche).

"This is YOUR test", i told him.

Since we are dealing with a large, evil child, he responds to bribes. I said if he was good while i was out i woud pick him up some Garcea-Y-Vega Whiffs, which is the cigar he likes lateley.

And he said to me to SHUT UP AND DONT PATRONIZE HIM or else he woud tie one of those Christmas friutcakes arround by neck and throw me into the canyon. They will nevor find my body.

He also brought up a time last year when i gave him Metamucol but did not add enough tequila to the fine powdor and he started choking cause fiber dust got up his nose and throaht. I said i was sorry at the time. It was no reason to registor the inciddent with the County as an event of Elder Abuse because it was an acident but thats what he did anyway.

As i got dressed i heard him screaming.

It woud be good to get out of the trailer for a coupple of days, and even this 40-minute break to go to town was welcome.

Latley, Granfather was in an extremly rare pain-in-the-ass form. Theres not much you can do when part of your genitallia is affixed to a plumbing fixtoure, so he spends his time mostly watching TV. The problom is, that Granfather is alwayes finding things to make him scream at the TV. And the more he watches, the more he screams. Usalay he screams because his small, ineffective, still-evolving, and poorley-develloped proto-simian brain is incapabble of absorbing facts from the televison, and then assigning logic to them.

At first, i heard him from inside my room just nagging me by loudley yammering, "DON'T FERGIT MUH 'WHIFFS'" but then i noticed angor and frustrattion grow in his voice. It was his famous screamming-at-the-TV voice.

Granfather began shreiking and shouting with violent bloodey murder so i ran into the living room to see the tub furriously rocking where it was perched between the sofa and cofee table.

"WHUT THE HELL IS THIS HERE," he thundored. "IS IT A COMERCIAL OR'S IT A GOLDANG TV SHOW?"

Granfather was watching that "Its a Magic Christmas" Old Navy Fleece comercial with the Smothors Brothers and Morgen Fairchild in it, and also that Carry Donovan lady. You have seen this comercial because it is on, like, 100 times a day. It must be doin its job because evereyone in my danm family this year is gettin fleece.

I said its a frikkin comercial, not a TV show, but he woudnt stop hollering.

"YEH, BUT WHUT KINDA COMMERCIAL SAYS 'STARRING THE SMOTHERS BROTHORS'?" he screamed. Then the dogs outside started howling, (because they too, like Junior, are also scaired of the extra tub-ampliffied voice.) The problemm is that when the dogs howl they dont stop.

I had to get Granfather to queit down and we have this thing in the closet just for this purpose. It is one of those solid rubbor donut wheels that come with certian automobbiles when you have a flat tire. I wegded it in his danm mouth and he clamped down to drive his teeth in. He was still screamin but it was much less loud.

No Whiffs for Mr. Whiffy